I spent a week last month answering calls from OW and trying to reason with her. Thank goodness I snapped out of it and stopped letting myself get dragged into their games and shared delusion.
Yes, thank goodness.
But why do you talk to her at all? Is there more to that part of the story? How do you know her?
By now you also realize you cannot reason with somebody who is rationalizing their behavior by blaming you. Not your H nor the OW. The fact that you know about it is enough for most to stop. Since they don't, it's a safe bet they are rationalizing the behavior. You can't get through.
You can however remove yourself from that. Emotionally at the very least.
As for the boundaries, it's not likely you'll be able to enforce the boundary of him not bringing the son around OW. You can state that you don't like it nor want it, but it's not likely you'll be able to prevent it.
You might want to look for ways to minimize the impact to your son. That's in his best interest and is in yours as well.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
You've gotten some great advice. My older 2 do struggle with anxiety with their dad. They told their therapist " Dad thinks he's like one of those single dad's on TV and he's nothing like that." Made me and the therapist laugh even though it's sad.
Don't engage your h when he's being rude and definitely don't engage OW. She actually had the audacity to tell you what you are doing wrong in your m? I'll leave it at that.
Focus on you and the kids. Be pleasant and your kids know who is taking care of them. I think you are on the right track
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Georgia Belle. You would not believe some of the things that woman said to me. She said I needed to let him go that he would never go back to someone who treated him so badly blah blah blah. Quite clear she was eating up his rewrites.
AS - no I don't know her. I have known about her since the beginning. Last month I snoop we and saw texts. Around the same time ss 15 accidentally saw similar texts. Sexually explicit and lots of undying love proclamations. H said it doesn't mean anything and he talks to all his friends like that. Then he had her call me to back up his story. Right after her "I love the world" cr@ppola she turned around and said she doesn't trust or need people. Then asked if I would let her babysit my s. It was at this point I realized that she was cuckoo for coco pops.
That's the story and now I will not devote any more energy to her.
Had a great morning. S is taking well to the new behavior charts. I made a week worth of pancakes and s ate about half in one sitting! Later we will take h's MLC dog to the dog park. He is an awesome dog and I love him but hate that he was dragged into H fantasy.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
How did you meet your H? Why did he leave his first family?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I read your first few posts from years back. As you mentioned so many stories sound the same. I also got the "I have been miserable for years I just want my life back" I have a lot of reading to do to see where you are now.
As to why his first marriage ended I only have H's story. I met him a year after they split. They married young. He went into it thinking they could get a D if it didn't work out. (He always told me he married me knowing it was for ever and we would always work things out because divorce was not an option).
In the end the complaints he had about her were the same ones that he had about me. Too negative ,too controlling, she changed after she had kids and always put kids first ahead of him.
I was thinking tonight that he has never been on his own. Dated same girl all through high school. Met we shortly after and married quickly. Moved back in with his parents for a year and met me right when he moved out. Now he has moved onto OW.
Oh and we met through his brother. He thought we would hit it off but wasn't trying to set us up. We dated long distance for a year then I moved to be near him and his kids. We got married about 1 1/2 years after that.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Ughhh... S's therapist has me using behavior charts all day long. I can see it starting to make a difference. S is responding to the structure. H is not interested in any behavior modification because he says s acts fine with him so the problem is me. 3 pediatrician and the family therapist said that a child will always limit test more with 1 parent. It is usually the patent that the child feels safest with. What h took from that is that s thinks I am a push over and that he likes h better. Therefore h is the better parent. Infuriating. He doesn't even know the names of half his doctors or teachers.
Anyway. We had a great morning but s had meltdown midday. I was having a hard time getting the harness on h's MLC dog and s was anxious to go to dog park. He threw a glass of milk at tv and now tv is not working. H says all my fault. He says I owe him a tv.
Now here is the part that hurt the most. He says I shouldn't have even been putting on the harness and should stop acting like this is my dog. H brought this dog home several months ago without asking if it was OK to bring a very large puppy into the house we both share. S is very mean to dog. Our senior canine is having a hard time with new dog. The cats still hide in closet all day. But h wanted a dog for his new life of freedom. Well most days he lives for work at 6 am. 3 to 4 nights a week he goes out till after midnight. When he is here he has the dog put away in the basement. Who takes care of him? Me. And if I am in the house the dog is by my side. But I am not allowed to love him.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
Right before h moved out, the key broke off in the front door. He said it was my fault because I opened the door wrong. Mmmm. I had been opening it the same way for 6 years:)
Boundaries will be tough with your h. I know you are working hard and trying to keep the home life peaceful. However, try not to let his words affect you. It's going to be challening to have a parenting conversation with your h now, so I would advise against poking the snake unless it is an absolute necessity.
In regards to the dog, it is natural for you to care about the well being of the dog. You are a caring, compassionate person. I remember when your h brought the dog home he frequently left him alone. Try to show your S by example to be gentle with the dog. I know your S has some challenges so that may prove difficult. However, of course your love the dog and are concerned for your senior dog and the cat. This all affects the dynamic of your household.
Try to not take the bait with your h. Just accept that everything is your fault in your h's eyes. Price of gas, the Kardashians having a show, June happening only once a year....It can all be traced back to you right now. Hang in there:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thinking back, I too was worried about that for a while. I used that for my kids' best interest by manipulating an angry person into thinking she was getting at me by doing things for the kids.
I see that differently now than I did at the time.
That action helped foster a dynamic of competitiveness. That was hard to notice and hard to stop.
Your H sounds more like a teen than a parent. He won't see it that way, and I am cognizant that this is based on your perspective
When it comes to the TV etc? Ridiculousness like that should be dropped to the floor. If he really feels that way, let him take you to court. The judge will laugh too
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I know h and are are nowhere near the same place with parenting right now. H makes sure s is fed. Homework may happen occasionally on his nights. Baths even more occasionally. S does not act up or rebel with h because nothing is expected of him. (My opinion)
I on the other hand feel my job as a parent is to help my child gain responsibility and safety navigate a world that some times makes us scared and anxious. So we go out and do things even though h thinks I should just let him stay home if he wants and watch tv. He does homework and cleans up his messes and helps me walk the dogs etc. He needs 1 parent to be a parent. Yes he throws things and hits me and tantrums. We work with the doctor and the therapist and we will get there.
Georgia Belle I know you are an animal lover so rest assured "no rough touch to animals" is a big part of the plan!
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
