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Although there are many similarities between MLCers, of course they are not all the same, so what I say here may be incorrect for your situation, but for a long period of time my xh seemed unable to do things that he used to be able to do. His grasp of his second language was noticeably less good for example, and he claimed not to be able to use SMS, when he was perfectly capable of doing this previously.

My therapist suggested that he was running so many narratives in his head that there was no processing room left for additional 'non-essential' tasks.

I agree that they do not want to say 'your house' and things like that. I wonder if part of it is that they objectify us? I certainly felt that he had lost (and still does not have) any sense of me as a person. I am a symbol, a wicked witch. He ascribes awful motives to me at the drop of a hat e.g. recently when I was travelling I didn't respond to him immediately (he knew I was travelling) and I got a really abusive SMS message - (yes his ability to text has returned folks) about not being bothered to reply etc etc.

This thing with QB could be in part a loss of ability to do something he previously could do, and also a desire to keep us pulled in - we help them because we are nice, we are normal, and they need that reassurance.

At the same time as acting as if I am a horrible person, my xh also expects me to behave perfectly at all times. It is the multiple narratives, I suspect. They are running too many versions of the software!

Bea, I am so sorry to that you are still dealing with your XH’s nonsense. I laughed at your comparison of MLCer thinking with the software. It is so true, when multiple version clash with each other, it stops functioning and even crushes.

My H is not a mean MLCer thought, and he doesn’t blame me for everything. On the opposite, he’s been actually very nice most of the time recently. I also don’t think that he objectifies me. As far as him forgetting how to do certain things… Well, I took care of that stuff for a long time. And he is not very techi guy when it comes to the computers. This is why I’m surprised that he purchased the software upgrade on his own (it was my job before). Not bad for a guy who wants to get rid of the computer, LOL.

You are right that they need the reassurance. It feels like that. Just the fact that he told me that he will send an updated file says a lot. I didn’t ask for the file, I don’t need an update right now. I think he just wants me to still be involved in the business. I guess it is “safer” this way. I guess he hasn’t found anyone who he can rely on as much as he could rely on me, and still can. I also think that he is kind of uncomfortable, if not scarred, because with me getting a job, he no longer can expect me to keep doing things for the business. He is on his own now. I’m pretty sure he is very capable of doing everything he needs to do. Whether he would prefer not to, is a different story.

Received a file from H today. Just an empty e-mail with the attachment. Did he run out of niceness?

I downloaded the upgrade and updated the file. The QB has a completely different look. I don’t get why they do it all the time, every new version is completely different. Every time you need to get used to a new look. This brings me to another interesting thought… I haven’t heard any complaints from H about it. In the past he would be angry and upset about how different the screens look and that he cannot find where the things are anymore. I haven’t heard a beep yet. This is interesting. Is he turning into a grown up, responsible man, LOL? Not!

Oh, I think he is accepting his fate…

hey hi-

congratulations o n job - and aren't you lucky to be so desireable. if you are having trouble making decision- and they are comparable offers- why not just consider it a done deal for the first job- since you accepted it and figure you've made the commitment and you're following it t hru?

ta da- too simplistic? i can be hard put to d3ecide things sometimes - but i have trouble making final decision to get a perm job because i feel that once i accept a job- i am obliged to do it- no freedom to come and go and f around as i do in life now . it's just me carryig thru on my commitments. you can tell second place that you are obliged to give first an honest try since you comitted already- will they admire your decency?

ya think?

sooo- just my two cents.

I really appreciated B's comment about too many narratives. That hit home for me

A grown up? Really? Don't get your hopes up, but it would be nice if they did grow up and actually go away, no?

Glad things are going well, Bright!

AJ

Thanks, nero. I’s been a month since I started a new job. Yes, I was worried about the part that I would not have as much freedom, especially when it comes to some time off. As a consultant I could just take the whole week or two off. I was not paid for my time off, so I didn’t have to worry about having a permission to do that. Of course I would have to take into consideration the project timelines. There were certain phases when I could not take the time off. Well, I could, but it would not look good for the project. This is the only things that I miss about consulting so far, besides more money. Other than that I’m still doing the same job I was doing before. There are meetings and deadlines of course, but nothing different from what I used to do as a consultant. There is no micromanagement, my day is flexible (to a degree), I can take longer lunches if I want to, as long as I get my tasks done, just like it was before.

So, I would say that I’m pretty comfortable at my job and people are nice. At least for now I don’t have to worry about the paycheck. And I don’t have to pack every Sunday night, get at 4 am on Monday morning and rush to the airport. I don’t see much activity on the market for the consulting positions right now, so I think that it was the right timing for me to get a full time job.

AJM, thanks for stopping by. I don’t know what I want at the end yet, for H to completely go away or for him to come back, but only after he becomes that responsible adult again. Some days I think that nothing everything is going to be the same even if he decides to come back and I accept him. Other times I think that he is hopeless and is going to be stuck in this forever.

I don’t know if I completely understand this concept of too many narratives. There are definitely multiple parts of live that H is living in. One of these lives is at the vacation home where he has one set of friends and activities, another one is at the place where he works with different set of friends and activities, and maybe a third one where he is still tied to me and the city where I live. He keeps attending certain events here, like Holiday Bowl, and annual 5K run. I don’t know where reliving of his teenage years fit the most.

I’ve been having some anxiety feelings for a couple of days, and this morning was the worst. I cannot figure out where it is coming from. I have a great life. I have a job, a steady paycheck, I have my house, friends, family... The weather is beautiful! But something is bothering me and I cannot figure out what. I think I am not completely out of the woods with my depression yet.

To me Bright, the too many narratives statement resonated in the sense that it was (is?) like my ex was playing out scenarios in her head. Many at a time. The manifestation of that was confusion, forgetting things that were said, etc. It feels like it's too many story lines going on her head at the same time. Kind of like a short-circuit if you will. I've referred to at as her having an emotional stroke and trying to recover from it. My IC mentioned it was like an IED going off and I was too close.

All fairly apt descriptions in many ways. The emotional stroke is one that I used to describe things many times as she was no longer able to construct sentences very well. Others might look at it and say it was like hearing from a teenager. She's highly educated, so it's been odd regardless. Lately, she'll try to start drama, include her H (OM) and my daughter in the emails. The pattern is that she'll follow it up with a well constructed sentence structure where she's being nice and asking for something or relaying some information as if nothing ever happened. It's a controlling mechanism to be sure, but it's odd.

I don't think that's out of the norm for MLCr's to be honest. I've read about it countless times on these boards. To me it's like she's been trying to put herself together for years now, and only recently are there "changes" of some sort. I don't pay much attention, but I do notice patterns and changes in them.

Those changes used to throw me for a loop when I was less detached from it all. I noticed it would affect me when I had to communicate with her. It's been years that I do not start conversations with her. It's been years since I've had those feelings, but I can still sense when somebody is trying to drag me into drama

Some of the anxiety.. I used to feel some of that as the communication would change. Why? I think it's because I was so used to the attacks, that when it was something different I was still too close and needed to readjust. During that time to readjust, I would feel some anxiety. It may be the same for her for all I know. That dynamic would feed off itself if left to itself.

That was years ago that I noticed that, and it took a while to free myself from it. It may be similar for you and contributing to your anxiety. Changes are a pain sometimes

AJ

The narrative idea resonated with me too.

Bright, I think it's like they are working through a whole bunch of old shid and unable to stay in the present.

Like, say, they were repeatedly rejected for having feelings about something when they were a child. They were told they were being dumb for feeling the way they did. Or, they have some really deep emotional memories of something. It could be something that even they can't remember the details, but the shadow has left an imprint on their mind. Now, the mind is trying to reconcile these memories/scars.

I did a sleep study once. When they looked at my results, they noticed that I had "scars" (these blips on my sleep patterns) that were a result of the night terrors I had as a kid.

The mind records everything. And, at some point, the mind (IMO) demands the checkbook be reconciled. I think this is MLC. The mind is trying to make peace/wrap around unfinished/painful business of the past.

Imagine struggling to remain in the present, while your mind is working through a lifetime of emotional scars.

Something inside is forcing them to work through all this stuff they had pushed down for, literally, decades. And, now it's all running through their synapses at lightening speed. I know from my years of depression that, when it's at its worst, it feels like your brain may explode because your mind sorta goes into hyperdrive trying to find it's explanation of what your feeling.

Sadly, there may be NO explanation. It's just your brain resolving whatever is tripping you up. Kinda like a daytime nightmare.

And, it makes remembering stuff that previously gave you no problem...nearly impossible.

Then, on top of that...When they hear you, they hear you with the ears of a child who is reliving past, painful memories. They don't hear you as an adult. They use all your words and interactions and more fodder for these emotional battles going on inside.

If it wasn't so painful to be around, it would be kinda interesting from a psychological point of view. Freud would love this stuff.

I think this may be exactly like it is for many MLCers. It certainly chimes with my experience of dealing with my xh, and what I have read here of others.

However they do not see that anything is the matter, or rather they cannot admit it to themselves. Those that do tend to seek help. Others work through it slowly, and sadly, some stay stuck. Part of being stuck, I believe, is intermittent awareness of how much hurt and damage they have inflicted on others, while seeing themselves throughout as the victim in all of this. And in one sense they are the victim, when they were much younger stuff happened to them.

The thing that stands out for me is how angry my xh is, still is, nine years on, he feels short changed by life. He is so angry and doesn't recognise it at all.

Oh dear, how some of this reasonates with me and my sitch. At bd he was having 2 conversations one with out loud u could hear and the internal one. That voice of every one who said I'm the nasty one!