I was induced with the first 2 pregnancies so I know exactly what I am getting myself into. My Dr is fully aware of the situation and knows I don't have many choices (family help is not an option) I would never asked to be induced before 39 weeks so it's not like I am putting the baby at risk. Even with the twins I went into labor and then it stopped and they had to give me pitocin so my body doesn't do the whole labor thing naturally.
We were supposed to discuss the birth on Sunday but I decided I couldn't do it in person (I am glad I made that decision because I was a hysterical mess) The text was more informing him but he needs to sign the birth certificate if his name is on there so he would have to show up at the hospital at least once.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I cannot imagine the stress you have been under while pregnant. Ultimately, you must decide what makes you most comfortable regarding the birthing process. Please try to relax and enjoy the last part of your pregnancy.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I read your threads. Wow. Do you have a support system? Mother, sister, etc.? You need a healthy support system for you and your children. I can tell you're tough. However, keep the toughness with the "tough love" attached. You have every reason to be angry and need to express this in a healthy way. If you can afford a DBing coach, call now. Read Sandi's list and try your best to follow. I will continue to listen and try to help. I relate.
Owl777, thank you. I used a DB coach in the beginning and didn't get very far. It was actually a huge waste of $$ because as long as H is in fairy tale land with OW it doesn't matter how great I am.
I am an only child and no my mom is really not a part of my life. I have a great group of friends but they have their husbands/kids/jobs too.
I honestly don't even know how I feel about H right now. I do know that I want this relationship with OW to fall apart even if we don't eventually work things out. Unfortunately that's the only thing I am completely sure of right now.
Anyone have any advice for what to say when H asks me "what's wrong?" When I sound sad/quiet on the phone...... I want to reach through the phone and do the V-8 smack to his head and say wtf do you think is wrong you a$&
Last week or so he asked in a text and I told him to stop asking me what was wrong like he actually gave a fu$@ about me, to which he replied "sorry" but he asked again yesterday on the phone. It drives me CRAZY!
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Owl777, thank you. I used a DB coach in the beginning and didn't get very far. It was actually a huge waste of $$ because as long as H is in fairy tale land with OW it doesn't matter how great I am. I'm really sorry you feel that way. My DB coach was a Godsend. I found the single best thing I did during my DB ordeal, was to have a DB coach. She helped me create a new better life for myself and my kids and I had an internal timeline she helped me set, for h to make his mind up. I operated under the assumption he would NOT come back. But I had a d1 in high school and figured when she graduated, I'd be done. (Bills were for the most part, still being paid so my financial pressures were a bit distant but I knew they were there. I did have some breathing room, however).
My DB coach helped me find my best self, and I became a happier person for it. Turns out that helped me engage in more attractive behaviors b/c frankly, I was happier and it was NOT all about getting my h back. More like getting myself back. I released my h to his "mission" and hoped, but did not "expect" him to return or wake up.
But he did, and after several months and our d1 graduating and going off to college, we began to piece. Just saying that DB coaches do more than help you "get a spouse back" b/c really this is about saving ourselves and maybe, hopefully, saving a marriage and family.
I am an only child and no my mom is really not a part of my life. I have a great group of friends but they have their husbands/kids/jobs too. \
I know you are pregnant and it's hard to GAL. But you will need to, at some point. It's the only way to detach. And that is for your protection.
I honestly don't even know how I feel about H right now. I do know that I want this relationship with OW to fall apart even if we don't eventually work things out. Unfortunately that's the only thing I am completely sure of right now.
It's also something you have NO CONTROL over and the more energy you spend on issues over which you lack control, the more time you are wasting.
Anyone have any advice for what to say when H asks me "what's wrong?" When I sound sad/quiet on the phone...... I want to reach through the phone and do the V-8 smack to his head and say wtf do you think is wrong you a$&
Last week or so he asked in a text and I told him to stop asking me what was wrong like he actually gave a fu$@ about me, to which he replied "sorry" but he asked again yesterday on the phone. It drives me CRAZY!
I got lots of "HAPPY talk" from h when he'd call from Alaska...I recall once he mentioned that he'd been "so inactive" that he realized maybe he was "clinically depressed" what with being all alone up there and noticing we had NOT followed him...it's hard to hear and weird, too. So, per my DB coach's advice,
Be too busy to talk on the phone when he asks idiot questions like that. You are radiating your pain and as justified as it is to feel pain (and it is), it is also not going to help. Of course if the talk is going well, do the hardest thing ever and
a) LOSE the anger in front of him b/c it simply does NOT HELP YOU...it only fuels his rationalizing for his departure. "See? She's so nasty/whiny/critical/always mad" and b) listen like a lover. That means you Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does, and you stay upbeat. I found that exceedingly difficult, like Mother Teresa hard...
However, You need to keep the road home, paved & smooth. If he is sure you can never forgive him, what's the point of him ever trying?
OTOH, you have to operate under the assumption he's not coming back, but that you will be happy anyhow.
An author once told me that when men feel guilty, they attack. I think she's right. You have to somehow project the serene pregnant mom and be happy about the kids and essentially let him know two things: 1) the kids are growing fast and happily (i.e. HE is missing out, but you never say that outright) and 2) you have had a huge awakening, and you now see that you are going to be just fine with or without him.
Make sense? He won't ask what is wrong b/c you will be upbeat when he calls ---but too busy to talk long, so you'll end the conversation on a positive (like something you and the kids "and a friend" (a friend HE doesn't know) will be doing, like the zoo or a park nearby). If he still somehow asks you what is wrong, anyhow, you can say "nothing is wrong here, I just have places to go. Talk to you later!" and be warm but, you know, too busy to reassure HIM...
Also, just as women who cheat on men in combat get a special hatred from society, a certain disapproval, men who cheat on pregnant wives get it too. it's awfully hard to explain that away... don't assume he's guilt free. But when he asks YOU to reassure him that you are fine,
as counter intuitive as it seems to be, complaining that you are not fine at all, won't help you.
You don't have to lie, per se. But you do have to give him something to miss, and he won't miss a miserable pregnant wife.
Get some support going too, you'll need it. Who can you go to or what resources are in your area?
You don't have a lot of time before the baby comes...what can you plan for, now?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Oh, tell him to have some CHEESE with that whine!!!
Starsky
possibly my new fav line for now...Cheers!
PS I am going to spend some energy on coming up with a medical "antidote' to EXTREME NERVE...sheesh
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks, my GAl is pretty good. Always had been, actually when the twins were first born H would get almost jealous that I had such a huge group of amazing friends. They threw me a huge baby shower, constantly came over/called/met up with me when I was on bed rest and after when I was adjusting to 4 kids and twins. He eventually realized that my friends are like my sisters and we are very close. H has one or two friends, knows a lot of people but usually only hangs out with his brothers.
H made the comment that this pregnancy is EASY (physically) for me. Actually it's the hardest, but he isn't here to see it or help me and I don't tell him about the issues.
I just don't feel comfortable doing the whole labor/delivery thing with friends..... I have always been a very private person when it comes to that. And I am way too independent to ask for help with things like driving me home from the hospital. I am very capable of doing that and would never bother anyone with that.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Originally Posted By: twinmom
Owl777, thank you. I used a DB coach in the beginning and didn't get very far. It was actually a huge waste of $$ because as long as H is in fairy tale land with OW it doesn't matter how great I am. I'm really sorry you feel that way. My DB coach was a Godsend. I found the single best thing I did during my DB ordeal, was to have a DB coach. She helped me create a new better life for myself and my kids and I had an internal timeline she helped me set, for h to make his mind up. I operated under the assumption he would NOT come back. But I had a d1 in high school and figured when she graduated, I'd be done. (Bills were for the most part, still being paid so my financial pressures were a bit distant but I knew they were there. I did have some breathing room, however).
My DB coach helped me find my best self, and I became a happier person for it. Turns out that helped me engage in more attractive behaviors b/c frankly, I was happier and it was NOT all about getting my h back. More like getting myself back. I released my h to his "mission" and hoped, but did not "expect" him to return or wake up.
But he did, and after several months and our d1 graduating and going off to college, we began to piece. Just saying that DB coaches do more than help you "get a spouse back" b/c really this is about saving ourselves and maybe, hopefully, saving a marriage and family.
I am an only child and no my mom is really not a part of my life. I have a great group of friends but they have their husbands/kids/jobs too. \
I know you are pregnant and it's hard to GAL. But you will need to, at some point. It's the only way to detach. And that is for your protection.
I honestly don't even know how I feel about H right now. I do know that I want this relationship with OW to fall apart even if we don't eventually work things out. Unfortunately that's the only thing I am completely sure of right now.
It's also something you have NO CONTROL over and the more energy you spend on issues over which you lack control, the more time you are wasting.
Anyone have any advice for what to say when H asks me "what's wrong?" When I sound sad/quiet on the phone...... I want to reach through the phone and do the V-8 smack to his head and say wtf do you think is wrong you a$&
Last week or so he asked in a text and I told him to stop asking me what was wrong like he actually gave a fu$@ about me, to which he replied "sorry" but he asked again yesterday on the phone. It drives me CRAZY!
I got lots of "HAPPY talk" from h when he'd call from Alaska...I recall once he mentioned that he'd been "so inactive" that he realized maybe he was "clinically depressed" what with being all alone up there and noticing we had NOT followed him...it's hard to hear and weird, too. So, per my DB coach's advice,
Be too busy to talk on the phone when he asks idiot questions like that. You are radiating your pain and as justified as it is to feel pain (and it is), it is also not going to help. Of course if the talk is going well, do the hardest thing ever and
a) LOSE the anger in front of him b/c it simply does NOT HELP YOU...it only fuels his rationalizing for his departure. "See? She's so nasty/whiny/critical/always mad" and b) listen like a lover. That means you Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does, and you stay upbeat. I found that exceedingly difficult, like Mother Teresa hard...
However, You need to keep the road home, paved & smooth. If he is sure you can never forgive him, what's the point of him ever trying?
OTOH, you have to operate under the assumption he's not coming back, but that you will be happy anyhow.
An author once told me that when men feel guilty, they attack. I think she's right. You have to somehow project the serene pregnant mom and be happy about the kids and essentially let him know two things: 1) the kids are growing fast and happily (i.e. HE is missing out, but you never say that outright) and 2) you have had a huge awakening, and you now see that you are going to be just fine with or without him.
Make sense? He won't ask what is wrong b/c you will be upbeat when he calls ---but too busy to talk long, so you'll end the conversation on a positive (like something you and the kids "and a friend" (a friend HE doesn't know) will be doing, like the zoo or a park nearby). If he still somehow asks you what is wrong, anyhow, you can say "nothing is wrong here, I just have places to go. Talk to you later!" and be warm but, you know, too busy to reassure HIM...
Also, just as women who cheat on men in combat get a special hatred from society, a certain disapproval, men who cheat on pregnant wives get it too. it's awfully hard to explain that away... don't assume he's guilt free. But when he asks YOU to reassure him that you are fine,
as counter intuitive as it seems to be, complaining that you are not fine at all, won't help you.
You don't have to lie, per se. But you do have to give him something to miss, and he won't miss a miserable pregnant wife.
Get some support going too, you'll need it. Who can you go to or what resources are in your area?
You don't have a lot of time before the baby comes...what can you plan for, now?
Last edited by twinmom; 05/24/1412:42 AM.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Drs don't usually induce for convenience sake...at least no dr I know of...
and kml is right....
I think you are very hurt (and rightfully so) and you are punishing him or trying to get him to respond to you by becoming someone who looks like a martyr (not that you are being one...but your statements and actions are suggesting it)
If you want to be seen as self-sufficient, BE self-sufficient, don't tell someone else that you will do it all...
I understand you are angry and hurt and you have every cottoning picking right to be
I just think you are trying to get a reaction from him...
You won't get the one you are looking for
remember...0 expectations
I agree with ALL of this and KML's commentsPlease, take a breath and consider what we are saying.
I've had two inductions, once for post term and the other for macrosomia (too big). The last pregnancy went fine, normal delivery time.... Weren't your TWINS induced? So, Why is this one being induced?
Though the last baby came on time, I did have a retained placenta, only discovered after giving birth of course. This was with my last child and it's the single complication I never read up on, (which really sukked. Took a lot out of me and really hurt and I mean, a tad more than natural birth). But I could not have made it without major help at home, the first week after b/c that really threw me for a loop.
Also, of course the father's name goes on the birth certificate and YES It effects child support. You want him to do a DNA test or what?? I'm a L, and I'm positive it can complicate things. WHY?? Hey, You are rightfully furious and hurt.
WE GET THAT. I promise you, we get that. No one here is denying you that...but do you want to be happy, or "rightfully mad"?
Your kids are watching you and while you may seem strong, you are also coming off as dismissive and filled with righteous fury which may be right, but it's also hard to be around. It's draining....and sending out that message does not help you.
I think your h believes you'd never forgive him now, so there's no point in him trying to return...
MAYBE that's alright with you, really. But I think you are sending out anger signals to the world and as justified as it is, it simply does not help you. It took me way too long to realize this radically simple reality. I had to STOP my anger b/c it was costuming ME...NOT my h. ME!!
was FUMING at my h for the first year of our 2 year ordeal and though we reconciled, he is now facing the wrath of a 16 y/o d who is bitter that he was gone 8 years ago!! The Walk away parents do pay a price.
You may not see it, but it happens...and for ME, it's painful to see b/c I know my h has a lot of remorse. Yes I predicted it, but no matter....I could not reach him at the time.
But if all your h sees of you is pain and fury and "in your face independence", then you may as well shove him into the arms of OW.
As hard as it is, give him something to miss. Yeah, I know, it's very hard to do when you are so hurt.
Okay on a positive note, btw, your mil sounds pretty cool. Kudos to her b/c if MY SON ever does sh1t like this to a wife, and she's pregnant, I can only hope to have the courage to face her and offer help, b/c I would feel shame. (And yes, I'd have a LONG TALK with my son about it, but to tell you the truth, I KNOW my son won't do that. I'd make him get an MRI for a brain tumor if he did...)
However, my oldest brother left his wife, (not while pregnant) but she was a great woman and he was never a great h. Having HIM be the one to leave was so surprising to me. Anyhow, ALL my siblings and I urged him to snap out of it and get his head out of is a$$, etc, but he would NOT HEAR us.
He avoided us too. So I embraced my soon to be ex sil and vacationed with her and knew, internally, that my brother was a fool. But you know what else? I came to realize he'd done her a favor.
She remarried someone who is MUCH BETTER SUITED to her. I can honestly say she is happier with her "new h" (15 years now) than she'd ever be with my brother. That's the truth. So, there you go.
Point being, it's hard to be the family member of someone who goes thru a big jerk phase. I just did my best to support her. In contrast, another brother with whom I'm very close, also got divorced (different story). When I'd reach out to that sil, she'd bad mouth my brother AND in front of the kids...after 3 visits in which she told me she "hated" my brother, I decided to see my nieces when they were with my brother. I could not handle that level of rage and it was not good for the girls to witness and I wasn't going to fight my sil but I did not see their divorce the way she did.
Back to your inlaws...When my h was away from home for 2 YEARS, his mother and brother called me and our daughters exactly zero times.
Yeah, that hurt. Deeply. Then again, it's their loss. I'm fun and our kids are great.
When my mil passed away, my older d spoke at her funeral and mentioned that she "did not know [her] grandmother well", BUT that she "could still learn about her" now...
and my h and bil literally asked me why I didn't think d knew her grandma well.
I was taken aback. I said "I guess b/c of how little contact they had..." and left it at that. They seemed shocked and saddened and for ME that was not just Karma but also amazing. Like we were not on the same planet. Go figure.
My son had said once, "geez, if it's this hard to lose dad's mom, it'll be a nightmare to lose yours" and though it's NOT a competition,
I knew in that moment, that the efforts and time I and my family put into just Showing up,
DOES MATTER.
Keep us posted. WE are all rooting for you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks, I am really taking this to heart. My mil doesn't drive often at all (no car) but today when I sent a text saying I couldn't move (happens almost every day now) she said she would drive me to the chiropractor if no one else was available. I found someone and mil offered to come sit with me till they got here but I said it was ok.
Yea, H "new" residence is 3 blocks away on the same street so when mil is baby sitting she is walking distance. Her house is 30 min away. I wish she was closer.
I will really try and not project anger. It's hard, very very hard.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
