Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Marching forward with deal breakers in hand

^This is how it works!



^This is not. Counterintuitive, I know. Your husband sounds confused. Your job is to make that decision easy for him by being someone he respects and can't be without. You can't pressure him into it or he'll run away.

(Ps. F*** it's hard to edit on a phone! )

But what about my boundaries? I am ok with being separated for a while, thinking about things, etc. But Im not ok with OW still being on the scene during this time. He says she's not but I cant help but be suspicious, esp given his confusion. How do I manage that? I doubt I would b very successful at requesting a transparency plan at this point

As MrBond said, you set your boundaries for yourself and there are consequences to crossing them. When your husband is ready to earn your trust again, you let him know what you need for that to happen (transparency). Until then, what he does is out of your control, including OW's presence in his life. In the meantime, you're getting on with your own life and he can't get back in your circle until your conditions have been met. You can't force it upon him though. He has to own it himself.

Thanks again Barrybarn. Not sure when H & I will discuss the R again. Im trying to just relax & ground myself for now. This morning we were together at S's baseball game, sat next to each other, smiled & laughed together, lots of eye contact. He even patted me on the shoulder at one point. Kids & I left to go away for the night. He offered to come to the house to do some yard work while we r gone. Then he sent txt saying 'drive safely'. He's definitely been warming to me quite a bit. What that means is anyone guess, just sharing to keep the posts up to speed

Sounds like a good interaction. Keep the expectations down, wait for him to bring up the relationship and keep interactions light and positive.

Journaling..

H txted me while kids and I were away 'How is the trip?'
I probably should have lied but I didn't, I replied 'Ok, kids are a little sad u r not here but I'm keeping it upbeat. I think they are having some fun'
H replied 'I am sorry' then txted that he took S's bike and had his Dad fix it and would return it before we got home. Then we txt chated a bit. I ended it that we were getting ready to drive home. He txtd 'Drive Safely'

So again, I'd say he's warming....

My gut feel is H is split 50/50 on what he wants. 50% he really wants to work it out bc he loves his kids and does not want to be away from them. I know he does not want to put them through a divorce and make them move from our house and really wants an intact family. I think the other 50% does NOT want to work it out bc he's so unsure about ME and if he can really get what he needs from me. Which certainly speaks to my need to somehow show him that I can be the woman he wants. I definitely was long ago!! And I'm sure even in recent times he's seen snippets of it. Part of my challenge is our separation, how do I show him when I barely speak to him. I think I am going to have to experiment a bit with reaching out to him and see how he reacts. I know this is pursuing according to DBing but I feel most importantly I've got to see what works for my particular sitch. One good thing about H is he's quite easy to read, i.e., when he is NOT into it his tone and demeanor pretty clearly show it so I can quickly retreat if needed..

I'm going to keep journaling my progress to see what works. I keep feeling there's some right balance between pursuing on my end because he had felt so rejected in our M and NOT pursuing so he doesn't feel too much pressure.

So, beginning my experimentation plan. H txted me asking 'Did you and the kids get home ok?' Since a big thing he felt was missing in our M was talking (and it seemed he and OW used to chat quite a bit) I decided rather than txt back 'yes' I would call him and have an actual conversation. We ended up chatting for ~45 minutes. Just really light, told him all about my trip with the kids. Laughed a bit about his father and step-mother (he's staying with them). All very positive and warm. As I mentioned in a previous post, H is quite easy to read and he definitely seemed very receptive to the conversation. I think this particular experiment worked!

Good job! I wish my H was easy to read! I never even knew he was unhappy in our marriage! He is VERY VERY VERY unemotional/stone faced.

It seems like your making good progress, keep up the changes and the positive attitude.

Thanks twinmom!

Thinking more about my plan over the next week or so.

I think that the right balance of pursuing/distancing in my case is to reach out to H for idle chitchat (as he was missing that and wanting it in the M) but to not get into anything heavy (i.e., R talks, talks about the future or reconciling) right now because that will push him away. Of course if I call him constantly just to chat I'm sure that would be too much so I'm sure there's some line even with that. I'm thinking maybe every few days.

I am definitely encouraged by H's positive, warm attitude to me of late. However, in my case, I think that the real proof H is coming around will be not just friendly warmth but if I start to see him take a more romantic interest in me, e.g., touching, flirting. Perhaps in some ways H is more like a W in an A. Let's just say that he did NOT do two relationships well and the hard (no pun intended) evidence was in the romantic aspect of our relationship. Interestingly, I was all paranoid that H would take this long kid-free weekend as an opportunity to see OW (she lives 2 hours away) but now I'm not so sure. I can't imagine he would speak to me for 45 mins if he were actually with her. And I know for certain he spent a bunch of time at the house doing things around the yard. Of course he still may have some contact, I know I need to not get my hopes up, shocking things happen here all the time. But at least it seems my WORST fear (i.e., that they had a 3 day long love fest) does not seem to have materialized.

For those wondering about my 'dealbreakers', I'm definitely still planning to put those on the table eventually, when the time is right. My plan is to continue to show H that I can be the woman he really wants, hopefully he will be enticed to FULLY commit to wanting back in the M and that is when I will lay out the conditions. I didn't think I could hold out and do this path but now I think maybe I can.