Drew, I really appreciate your male point of view. If it was me it would drive me insane. He on the other hand like/needed it but no longer from me! On occasion when I stay silent, like today he will call me to ask things...at least I'm not calling him.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
We are all her at the County Fair and so far so good. Trying to keep my distance. H seems to be in a good mood, said he brought my new tire for lawnmower and picking up a belt for weedeater. Hope the mood can continue. I will bite my tongue and NOT mention the 20 texts to OW I'm sure..however, he said they don't so much any more. ..im sure another lie?? It's amazing after 6 mos she no longer makes me sad . Just an irritation. ..
As far as lies go. When he called last night he mentioned the work he did the day before. I said oh, XXXX went to help? He said no..I said why not. He said he didn't call in time. I guess he forgot he called me that day and said H picked him up?? Another mystery lie. A stupid one at that. Who cares? Guess it was his way of keeping me out of his business? Oh well. Funny to me.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Go to Alanon. It will help you with a lot of codependent stuff and of course, if his drinking bothers you, it'll help with that too. He'll miss your mothering him with his memory and help w/business and then again, maybe he won't
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
It was nice all of us spending the day together and watching kids show animals. I got a little emotional thinking that proba probably won't happen next year. He was very pleasant to be around. I miss that...easier to stay away or be mad...since it won't change.At least for a long, long, while if so.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
H loves to play push you pull you. I know its only been a couple of days of me not call/texting first. It was about 6 hours the first time he asked "what time" for kids. Today he asked me to send pictures of kids going to the dance. Before I would hace just sent. But didnt. Now he's asking what time do kids show their animals tomorrow? Now I know he ask D14 what time but she didn't know yet. Now he is asking me! I so want to say call the fairgrounds and find out for yourself. I will tell him but as you can see he still relies on me.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Your children are old enough to let their father know what time the events are for showing animals. It's time he started building a communication link directly with your children...after all D14 is old enough to be able to give him times, once she knew them and besides...will he continue to go through you when she's left the nest?
At some point, you'll need to send the photos to him. If you want him to have them, send them today so that he's not having to contact you...unless, of course, you enjoy hearing from him.
In order to stop some of the MLC madness, you have to change. The dynamics in your situation will stay status quo until you begin to change them. You already know he's paying the push me/pull me game, so change it up. Start doing things differently, i.e., suggesting that he contact his children directly for info about their events, etc., and I would also remind your children that they need to advise their father of the times and places of events, if they want him there.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job. I agree I need to put the responsibility on the kids. They are both 14 so they should be able to do it. I just have to leave it up to them and let go. It's the blind leading the blind but they have to learn sometime. as far as the photo I sent them right after I took them.
I am going to be working on letting go of keeping H informed by me. This will be hard for me I can see. Its a hard habit to brrak and then when he contacts I fall for it...I'll be setting that as my goal. H needs to know I won't keep him informed any longer. That's the old me he chose to give up.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Thanks Job. I agree I need to put the responsibility on the kids. They are both 14 so they should be able to do it. I just have to leave it up to them and let go. It's the blind leading the blind but they have to learn sometime.as far as the photo I sent them right after I took them. Why are they all "blind"? I mean, your d can figure out what time SHE has to show up without you telling her, right? So now she can text her dad, directly and THEY can build a r. They need to and you have to back out. I am going to be working on letting go of keeping H informed by me. This will be hard for me I can see. Its a hard habit to brrak and then when he contacts I fall for it...I'll be setting that as my goal. H needs to know I won't keep him informed any longer. That's the old me he chose to give up.
There are a few reasons for you to stop being the sole conduit of information.
For your own protection, since contact tends to suck you into his drama, you get expectations built up every time there's a semi positive interaction, etc.
Second, you enable him to abdicate his parenting responsibilities onto you. I happen to believe it made you feel useful or valuable or something, but it has to stop. You are a decade older than him, right? So stop ANYTHING that remotely looks like mothering.
Finally, your kids really do need to have a decent open R with their dad. They never will if you constantly monitor or initiate it. Neither the kids nor the father will step up to the plate if they don't need to. CHANGE THE DYNAMIC b/c it's the only thing you control...ie., YOUR BEHAVIOR.
By definition, that changes the relationship b/c a marriage is a R between 2 people, and then their children and varying roles play into it.
All you can do is change how your "role" is played. Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I agree. It's time for them all to learn to be responsible for themselves. Thansk why I said I needed to stop and I will be working on this. As far as any of them getting some where on time, we'll see.
Is there a problem being needed? I think this is the 2nd time you have commented that do things to feel needed? I guess that's supposed to be an issue? I get now I no longer should do this for my husband due to our sitch. My kids have a good relationship with their father. They usually make all the arrangements to spend time together and rides to and from sports. Theses latest events yes, I have been the keeper of the time.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
