Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis 2nd time around part 2

Yes!!

H sent a text yesterday about the kids 8th grade promotion. He said he's only heard from his dad and stepmom. I said then I'm going to give the extra tickets to family that needs them. He said hold on let me ask again. This is from his mother and sister who liked my H cannot make a decision to save their you know what.
I said I will give you until 5 o'clock tonight give them a deadline or I'm giving them away. ( please don't tell me that I should have given him the four tickets and let him decide what to do with them. We only get 4 tickets per child and there are other families who need them so I was trying to make sure he was going to use them all.) He text back later and said he will take them. He then said he wanted to see if you could have the kids Saturday night he was going to plan something for then. This means he's going to have barbecue with his family and the kids. I told him that I was going to take the kids after promotion to eat, my mom from Seattle will be here. If he and his dad and stepmom wanted to join us I'm sure the kids would like that. But I did not feel comfortable having a sister and his mom since they talk so much crap about me. He said that's why he was going to have something after for them on sat. I said does that mean you're not coming on Friday?(this was planned last week) H said no I will still come.
I'm not invited to his function but that is because I don't want to be around his sister and mother. I get that, this day is for the kids not for us.
However, at 2 o'clock in the morning last night I sent him a text saying I will spend Friday with the kids and you can spend Saturday with the kids and we'll do our own thing. He sent back in the morning sounds good to me.
I just have to make the break....I know I'm a slow learner..I'm trying...H knows I'll let him come. H would let me come too but I don't want to. But we would continue on like this and never get anywhere. This is how we ended up getting back together last time and nothing solved. We can't do it again without serious changes on both our parts.
No, we don't have a set schedule for the kids. Do to my H job he takes shifts that he can and he never knows when they are. I'm okay with that because he is trying to make money. It works for us.
Just journaling to get it off my chest.

What did you decide about the tickets? I'm sure everything will work out okay.

I think it's a great idea to have two different celebrations so that you and your h both can have people at them that you both feel comfortable with. After all it is your child's special day and celebration and you do not anyone to feel uncomfortable or take away from the special celebration.

I agree Job. Most of us would have no problem, just the other 2. So 2 celebrations it is What kid wouldn't want 2 any way!
His sister and mom finally made a decision to come. this is been an issue with me for 20 years. They could never make plans and commit to anything. They live 3 hours away and didn't think they needed to let us know whenever coming up. Drove me nuts but no longer have to worry about that!!

I find I'm in a little strange position with H's OW's H. We have been communicating quit a bit. Kind of interesting getting his position. He really wants to get his wife back. For months he didn't know about my H or why his wife wanted out.
I told him to no longer ask about my H, act like he doesn't exist. Stop acting like we care....I'm sure they're sneaking around will not be as exciting. Specially when there's a long distance between them.
I directed him here to read. Not mine

My mom is coming Thursday. Time to get ready. I'm also having a garage sale in two weeks. I need to start purging. Kids are outfor the summer Friday. .they will be thrilled to help..not!.I'm going to thinning out a lot. This is one of my H major complaints. Too much stuff. That and I need to lose weight. .oh cant forget about fighting about drinking!
Baby steps.

I think that my H ow must be on the outs? Somethings up and he is in the, I hate everything about me stage. Beyond short fuse. Nothing I say is good. So glad we have an event this weekend. I'm staying as far away as I can.
If they're is trouble in paradise, in my H mind, I'm definitely to blame. He hates everything about me at this time. I'm always the reason anything that goes wrong in H life now!

Your h and the ow may not be on the outs. They do go through stages of hating us for everything because they do think we are the problem. Just like a teenager growing up. One day they decide we are horrible and hate us for being authority figures, but eventually they discover what we have done is for their own good. Your h is a teenager phase right now.

How are the plans coming for the celebrations? I do hope the weather is nice for both of them.

Hi Job.

I guess I should have started with my husband, like I did with my kids when they were little. Saying when you become a teenager you're going to hate me. They would always say we will never hate you mommy. Lol
You're right about maybe might not being any trouble but things he has said lead me to believe make me think. He made a comment that he doesn't give a sh★t what she does down there. We're not married. It was all I could do and my tongue is half gone, to say what does being married have anything to do with it? It meant nothing to you! Shows how confused their brain is!
Also, OW H has been talking to his W and that is something she would not ever do..idk could be nothing. At this point it doesn't really matter. I just found it od.
I try to be happy and polite when I talk to him. Doesn't seem to matter. He did tell me he isn't mad at me. It's all me thinking that. I said okay that's good but your actions and tone show different. I tell him if hes going to raise his voice or get nasty I'm hanging up. H fuse is just sooo short.
Plans are coming along. I pick my mom up at the airport this afternoon. There promotion is tomorrow and we are going out to dinner. My husband is planning a celebration Saturday evening with his family. The weather, last week at the county fair it was so hot you couldn't breathe. Today it's windy in about 20 degrees cooler. :-)
Thanks for asking!

Hey NAP,

I'm going to repost the "rules" b/c I think you are overlooking a few really important ones. Like about the OW, (she is a symptom, not a cause) and all your h's baggage and what HE FEELS and not arguing about it.

Also, Who cares if he is mad at you? That's got nothing to do with you...for instance. If I were you, I'd never ask him how he feels about you. If he has something positive or constructive to share, I'm pretty darn sure he'd outright tell you.


DB Rules, assembled by Sandi, based on DB principles, (slightly edited by...me)


1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17. *****You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse***.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on your behalf.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). Sometimes the right thing to say is nothing.

27. ***Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.***

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

38. Know that in time, you really will be happy again, regardless of your spouse’s choices. Know this, believe it, and let it show.

39. Do not believe that showing your spouse your pain and misery proves your love for them. It just makes it harder to be around you.

40. Don’t worry about how the past is viewed. What matters is this day and “from this day forward.” Learn to let go of the past and what you cannot control. It’s a lot to let go of, & it's Not easy, but it is SO freeing.

Thank you!