Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy New therapist and moving on......

may I suggest you allow someone who offers, repeatedly, the chance to help you?

I'm not sure exactly why you are so resistant (but you are), but your MIL wants to help. She probably feels VERY badly and you can let her in, some...

It's her grandchild too, and she's concerned and possibly wracked with many emotions. Don't shut her out. And since you have an IC, I'd ask them to help you figure out why you are shutting out all the offers of help and why you'd INSIST on driving yourself to the hospital, giving birth...alone? With whom? No friends b/c you are "private" but you also do or do not want your h there, or what?

I'm confused. Letting others help you (not necessarily your h, b/c I can see why you'd resist some of that) is NOT weak. It's freaking healthy.

Just...think about it...and yeah, I KNOW it's hard not to show the anger.

I just don't want you to take as long as I did, to let go of it. A KID told me something I play over in my head a lot.

"Holding onto anger to hurt someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire,

to get smoke in their eyes."

That is when I realized that showing my h my anger, never once helped ME.

It always, ALWAYS resulted in him leaving sooner, or worse, berating ME for "abusing" him or "constantly carping"...and though it shocked me, I had to admit that I would not want to be around ME if I were him, when I'm angry.

Even if I was RIGHT...the bottom line was that

showing him the anger did NOT HELP ME. If anything, it merely confirmed his worst thoughts of me and helped fuel his reasons for leaving, and "seeking his gold rush", etc.

I was most affected by my anger, and or, my kids were. I KNOW I was not fully present for them then, and I'll always regret that. My son, now 27, recalls the "Summer that mom was always crying" which I swear, I THOUGHT I only did, a few times.

Maybe my recall is more accurate than his, but it is his recall that matters, to him.

Know what I mean?

Again, know that we are all rooting for you. Big time.
IF you get a chance, seek out 'Due In May's thread b/c she was pregnant with their first child when her h flipped out, and maybe had an EA/PA, and they separated.

But they did reconcile, and have since had a 2nd child.

Also, a question I asked of her I'll also ask of you....

How was forgiveness shown to you growing up? And, what about your h?

Has he ever seen it? Have you? (I had not seen it growing up...it's a learned skill)

I go out of my way to include H's family especially mil. We text on a regular basis, I invite her (and all his family) to any holiday/cook outs/etc. I even took mil for a massage and out to brunch for mothers day. I constantly text her pics of the kids and have even offered for her to stay here if she ever left H's dad (alcohol problem)

I don't remember much about forgiveness growing up, I only remember being told to rely on yourself and no one else. I was raised by my grandparents mostly who grew up during the depression. My grandmother pounded into my brain the story of the little red hen, and asking for help was seen as a weakness.

Mil always says H never did anything wrong growing up, it's the family joke he is the perfect child. His mom has even purchased ornaments that say "favorite child" and "perfect son". He "forgives" his brothers and his mom/dad when they make mistakes by complaining about it to another sibling and then just not thinking/dealing with it. He practices the "out of sight, out of mind" philosophy with pretty much everything in life.

H purchased a patio table for me for mothers day and took it to Lowe's on Wednesday to have them put it together. They said it would only take a day and they would call but they didn't. So this morning H called them, it was ready so he came over after work and picked up the van went to pick it up and then set it up with the umbrella in the backyard.
My backyard is really awesome and quickly becoming my favorite place to be.

I am trying to show less anger so I sent H a text tonight saying thanks for taking care of the table, I really appreciate it. The backyard is my favorite place.
He responded back, no problem the backyard was the selling point for him. That it is perfect.

I would lOVE for my H to be there when Lilly is born but I am too scared that I will have expectations that he may not be willing to meet and then I will not be able to handle it.
I couldn't handle him texting/calling her while I am in the room. I couldn't handle him leaving at night to go home to her. I couldn't handle him not physically touching me (not sexually but pressure/massaging my back, holding my hand and other support type touching)

can you tell him what is written here^^?

I think it's pretty darn valid to introduce it by saying, as CALMLY as possible (and I mean, like you just took a sedative first)

"I would want you at the birth of our child. But I'm afraid that in the midst of my labor, and in context of what is happening between us, I could get hurt more, again...so if you can't refrain from doing the above^^ while I'm giving birth to your child, then maybe it's best you just don't..."


At least you'd know in advance.

Also, you mentioned the story your grandmother used a lot. But in the story "The Little Red Hen", if I recall right, the Little Red Hen DID ask for help, repeatedly. But no one ever agreed to help her. THEN She did it herself and then she also kept it all to herself, correct?

You have been mistreated by your h, certainly. But how many times have you asked him or others for support and had them say "no"? And may I submit that while going to a dry well for water is not healthy, refusing to check the new wells for water, OR assuming that one "no" answer is permanent, might not be fair to yourself or your kids.

Anyhow, again, (((( HUGS )))) and we are ALL here, rooting for you & Lilly.

Your right, I don't ask for help. If I ask H for something he does it, but I guess I am fearful of looking needy/not projecting the "I will be fine without you"
I have had to call him once to come help me get up (couldn't move and had to pee so badly!) But most of the time I just wait it out.

I don't think H has ever told me no when I have asked him to do something except when I asked him to end relationship with OW and work on our marriage. LOL, he is EXTREMELY EXTREMELY conflict avoident in a relationship so I worry he says yes but is resentful that I asked.

Maybe I will get the courage in the next few weeks to send him an email about being there when Lilly is born.

Mines said nothing but no since I asked him to end it and choose me.

In fact he seems to project your making me the victim, each time he refuses. That was when I went completely dark and he's not even the least bit intrigued. No initiating at all. Unless its for work and strictly business a paying job.

I can only imagine how hard/depressing that must be. H doesn't show any interest in wanting to be a part of my life, just the kids. I think he does things like take out the garbage/cut the grass out/ask me how I am feeling out of guilt because I am pregnant.

He shows no signs of ending things or even any "cracks" in relationship with OW. And definitely hasn't shown any signs of wanting to return to the marriage, even though the 2 things he said were wrong with our marriage I have done 180's (and he even said I changed)

At least he's invested with kids. I could never ever see mine again. There is nothing like kids to maintain any connection.

I can understand you not feeling comfortable with having him present at your most vulnerable moment. Also looking soooooooo good on the delivery table rolls eyes. That's something to want to share with someone.

Just a quick reply as we are just leaving the zoo (will post that ordeal later)

180's are being "non judgemental" aka "accepting" of his family even they do stupid crap. I have actually formed a MUCH closer bond with mil since separation.
Having my older boys be more responsible around the house (I always thought I should do everything as I am a sahm) they now have posted chores and reward chart and there is visible evidence of them helping around the house.
Staying calm when disciplining my older boys (I am a VERY strict parent) the zoloft and ativan don't hurt when doing this, lol!!!