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Allll weekend I was busy, but not all interactions with H went well. I told him we should start the "your weekend my weekend" schedule for our 11 month old kidlet. This weekend, was "his" weekend, but he is still at the house so just kept her there.

I laid about 1.5 TONS of rock around flowerbeds, filled them with compost, went to see friends of mine (where I got compost.) After the tiff on the 17th about moving, I woke up the next day to him asking about sex. He said he was offering as he thought it would "make our relationship better" because it would put me in a better mood (I have a high drive.) I saw this as more cake eating, so declined; but it upset me and made me mad.

H stayed his distance Saturday, we hung out a little but both went to bed fairly early. Sunday was more of the same for me. I made cinnamon rolls for breakfast and shared with H. We were a little distant, but over the course of the day, he came outside a lot with our daughter, complimented the flower beds etc. It wasn't until I was about to leave to go pick up more flagstone that he went off.

I said something about going out to meet someone (picking up flagstone,) and didn't clarify who it was. He asked if it was a date. I told him it didn't matter what it was, and he said "it does until the D is final." I asked why he cared, and if we weren't together any longer and wouldn't be, why it mattered who I went to see and what I did with them. He admitted there are still feelings there, and that it would hurt him if I did that while we were still married.

I'm lost here. We could have the D final by end of June if he'd get the paperwork drawn up. What's the difference between now and then?

He then started bringing up the past, and how I "treated him horribly" for years, and I can't expect to do that and him to stay around, I'm an evil, horrible person for wanting him to hurt since I was, and on and on and on. I tried validating some of his concerns, but I also started getting really defensive. I told him this twice before I got up and walked out saying this wasn't a constructive talk. I was trying to use "I feel..." and saying "I understand..." He would say things like "your feelings make no sense. you are too sensitive and uptight." and "you DONT understand what YOU have done to me" along with a lot of "you this" and "you did" that

Later that day, I said I was sorry if I ever hurt him, because I have a problem dealing with being hurt. I want the other person to feel my pain, versus just learning that they probably didn't mean to hurt me, and letting it go. I'm working on this in anger management, as I hold grudges for long periods of time, and also push buttons on those who tick me off.

He suggested sex again. I obliged at this point. I am in a much better mood, but now I'm extremely confused. He said it was great, and was chatty again this morning, but he still keeps telling me we are "OVER, DONE. This is a good thing" yet asks me if I still want to be married to him.

I know, none of what you hear, half of what you see. I'm just lost. I want to take sex off the table, I know it won't bring him back, but 1.) I enjoy it 2.) it's not with someone I don't know. I'm just afraid that as far as detaching, I'm going to eventually set myself back.

I told myself I'd see something positive in every situation no matter what. The positive in this is - he has told me he cannot sleep with someone that he doesn't have feelings for. The other positive is - he's not running to move out of the house, or file paperwork for the D.

<sigh.>

I keep forgetting things until I post. I need to write them in Word, and once I'm done with writing, save it and hang on to it for the day.

I had told H that if I was going to sleep with other people, (after asking why he cared) he had no say in it but that any men, of course, were not going to be around our daughter.

That is my button pushing. I have to stop it. It's not helping. Laurie, my DB coach, said to think about what I'm about to say before I say it. However, when he hurts me, I forget everything in my hurt an anger. This is why I have a DB coach, and anger management counselor and am going to divorce care. I need tools to deal with it versus lashing out. He does as well, but I can only change me and hope he sees the positive changes.

Long Road,

It sounds like you had a nice weekend and got a great deal accomplished. In regards to your h saying he can't sleep with someone unless he cares about them, I'm not sure what to say to that. My h says that same thing and slept with someone he met on snap chat 3 weeks after moving out. Did they have a deep bond? I have no clue, although 2 months later they say they are in love. I can't do anything about it.

In regards to sex, that's your call. My m was SS so for me I wanted to show h that I was committed to changing that and saving the m. I knew it wouldn't change anything so I didn't feel bad or used. I felt like I could say I tried. Do what feels most comfortable for you.

We all know actions speak louder than words. It's impossible to explain the inexplainable so keep going to anger management and divorce care. I went to divorce care and will go again when it restarts in August. Keep focusing on you and your child. Sounds like you are doing some nice work on yourself.

I really really don't think he's sleeping with anyone else. That said, I told him I cannot detach from him emotionally, and while the D is progressing, no sex.

Thanks for the pep talk. Feeling sorry for myself today.

Wanted to ask - maybe a vet or someone else who has dealt with this can chime in.

When I validate by saying "I understand..." H gets FURIOUS and says "NO YOU DONT OR WE WOULDNT BE IN THIS POSITION."

What should I say to that?

Long Road,

Sometimes a simple "I'm sorry you feel that way" or a " that must have bern difficult for you" are sufficient. Of course, you can validate without saying anything (difficult I know !). Nodding, looking directly at him and really listening works too.

I know it can be difficult to relax when you see them getting agitated.

As always, thanks for your input GB

I called around today to get quotes for laying the flagstone for my patio. After laying all that limestone, there was no way in hell I was going to do the flagstone. That's 4 TONS of stone...

That said, the quotes I got today ranged up to $2500...YIKES! I may endup having a BBQ and inviting military buddies over. That's $1000 over what I had initially budgeted for everything!

More of the same yesterday. He was "supposed" to move out yesterday (just things he needs, not all his stuff) but he shows up at 5PM because he "forgot" some stuff. He started in on how the kiddo is a drug, and he can't stay away, and he's sorry. Then I ask him about the filing and when he's planning on doing more paperwork. His reply: I don't know, I've just been really really busy at work. I'll work on it tomorrow. Today, he has been out of the office all day, so didn't work on it. I'm not going to push any more to get a straight answer as long as he keeps telling me this is "for the best" and then saying "do you really still want to be married to me?" It's the same I hate you don't leave me he's been doing our entire relationship. I'm emotionally exhausted from it.

He went to poker but stayed here last night. He got back, and was chatty with me again. Sent me a funny email, came into the room to tell me about a story from high school that had to do with the email he sent. This morning, was chatty again, wanted to take a shower in "our" room, wanted to talk, wanted to make me coffee. Told me to have a good day. Called me when I sent a text asking him to pick up dog food since I picked it up last time. Wanted to tell me about his day. Told me he would call me when I got off work.

I need a beer after typing all of that up.

Tonight: I have to work from 7PM until 1AM at my other job. He will be at the house with the baby. Tomorrow: anger management counseling. DB coach immediately after work on the way to anger management counseling. May go see some friends afterwards. Thursday: divorce care and yoga. Friday - have a contractor coming to bid on my patio project. Will probably go ahead and have him install the next weekend. Saturday - cleaning house, mow yard, possibly go pick up half of the rest of the flagstone I purchased. Sunday - friend is coming by to go get the last of the flagstone and throwing it in the garage. I'm headed to see friends at their lakehouse after that with the kiddo as he's leaving town Friday. Staying overnight and coming back later on Monday.

Next week - collapse from exhaustion from GALing.

Today - I am exhausted. I got home at 2AM, took a shower, had to be up at 5AM. I am a zombie.

Got home yesterday and H was in a good mood. He and I played together with the kiddo, and then I had to leave. Sent him one text when I got to work to tell him the schedule was updated and I'd be back even later, so not to lock the "top" of the door (it's not working on the outside) so I could get back in.

He said ok, and I went on about my day. This morning, the kiddo waking up woke me up a few minutes before my alarm went off. I got up and went to see her. Fussed over her for a minute, then asked if he would watch her while I got dressed, and then I'd take her. He did, and after I got dressed and got her ready/was feeding her, he chatted me up about my night last night. He asked a bunch of questions, I answered and we chatted a little bit before I took her to the neighbor. I got back, and he asked if I was still going out of town this weekend. I said yes, and he volunteered where he was going and who he was hanging out with. I don't believe him, as he likes to fib as I think his other friends are wastes of human air, but whatever. I acted as if I didn't care.

Told him I hoped he had a good day when I got back and then left. Was driving along to work when he called. Asked me if I saw his text message. I didn't, and looked really quickly. It was a funny reply of a screen shot of his text that he sent to his coworker that is the biggest male drama queen I've ever seen. Anyhow, he starts a conversation with me over it. I was about to exit, so told him I needed to leave, but reminded him he needed to pick up the kiddo today as I had plans after work (anger management counseling.) He affirmed he would, and I continued on to work.

I had forgot to tell him that I couldn't watch his dog this weekend, so told him as much. He said he would take her, but asked what I was doing with mine. I said she was coming with me, because we'd be on a lake and she'd probably love being able to swim.

I had sent him something about a dedication for our daughter at the church we've been to a couple of times. They are having a "group" dedication on fathers day. He also replied that he'd like to go to that.

Other than that, continuing to DB. I have no idea when he's leaving for the weekend, or his plans. I don't plan on asking him. I don't plan on texting him anything or calling him at all when I am out of town. If he wants to talk, he can initiate.

He did not get anything done on the D yesterday as he said he would. I didn't ask about it, he didn't offer anything. He was just telling me in his chat that he wasn't at the office and was on the road all day.

Either way, I'm slowly starting to look forward to what I'm doing day to day. I know it hasn't been long, and this is a roller coaster, but yesterday and today have been 'fun' for me.

Goals:

• keep opening up myself to provide a "safe path" for him to reconnect with me. He has not mentioned moving out again. I guess I will know for sure on June 6th.
• DO NOT TALK ABOUT D, HIS MOVING OUT, ANY R TALK. I have slipped some, but yesterday did not slip at all.
• no zero days. Friday night might be a zero night, but not a zero day.
• Continue to DB and let him be on his own as far as paying bills and not "rescuing" him by constantly reminding him he had to pay them. I told him twice. Once in an e-mail, listing logins, account numbers, due dates and amounts; and once last week when I got an e-mail that they were two weeks behind. In a few days, they will start reporting 30 days late to the credit bureaus. I did a lot of legwork cleaning up his credit since the day we were married. It [censored] to see all that hard work go down the drain, but this is a huge 180 for me. He got a letter in the mail last week as well saying they were past due. He makes more than enough to pay them - he just has not made it a priority.
• continue to GAL. This week - anger management and DB coach today. Tomorrow - divorce care and yoga. Friday - relax, clean house. Last quote for flagstone patio coming to look at what I want to do. Saturday AM - move last load of flagstone for patio. Saturday PM - head out of town with kidlet. Sunday - drive with kidlet to see friends at lake house. Monday - return home.
• Learn and try a new recipe by month end.
• I haven't run in two weeks. Get back into running with kiddo or alone on weekends and Mondays.

Talked with Laurie yesterday. She thinks H wanting to hang out and talk is a good thing, and that he's making an effort. He's helping around the house, watching the baby, washing bottles...Things I was begging him to do a a few months ago. She also thinks that him opening up to me is a good thing, as he never really has before. She thinks he's making an effort in both areas. That said, the skeptic in me is still wondering about the next blow.

Last night, he went down the road to watch a coworkers band. He was texting me the entire time. He's been waking me up the past couple of mornings, as with working late I have overslept a few minutes.

He wants to hang out tonight. Tomorrow, he leaves for the weekend. I wish I were going with him, but I need to stop thinking about it. At least he told me where he was going, right?

I hate being confused. I want a crystal ball to see where this is going. He's supposed to move out in about 2 weeks, but he has the baby that weekend because I have to work. He also had mentioned he has friends coming in from Florida, but cannot go see them as he has the baby. Not sure how he can move if he was planning on going out of town, or when he has the kiddo.

For any vets out there - when are you able to trust what they say and do? He's telling me a lot of things, but I'm not sure how I can get back to the point that I believe what he's saying and doing. Even his actions - he wants to hang out with me and does, but what's his angle? What's his motive for hanging out with me if he wants a D, when he can go and hang out with his friends instead?

See, one of my other complaints was he never spent time with me...now, he is. But what if it's just to placate me until he moves out?

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