Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Marching forward with deal breakers in hand

I also finally reached out to my stepdaughter. She is home from college, normally she would have stayed with us but she's with her mom now. I sent her a note that she should of course still feel welcome at the house anytime. That I'd love to see her and the kids would too and that I love her and am proud of her for doing so well her first year of college. I was procrastinating on reaching out to her for some reason, glad I finally did it.

Good for you. It's difficult to talk with the D19. She's got a difficult role in family and may feel stuck in between. I would be kind, thoughtful, etc. but keep conversations around what she's doing and her relationship with her sister and brother. No R & M talk with her unless she asks and even then I would make the response in a loving way, "We have our M situations and are working on resolving our differences..." Something positive and brief. Notice I didn't use "I". You don't want to pit yourself against H so that she's feel like she has to take sides, even though she feels she must be there for her dad.

Thanks owl777, great advice!

Spoke to DBing coach and she recommended chilling out and working on myself for a while. Specifically working on my anger and inpatience and recognizing I can't control him, several things that we discussed in this thread :-) We also talked about strategies to get through this weekend without worrying abou him potentially with her, i.e., keeping the focus on me and my kids and just having a good time together. So I am going to try to just hang for a bit as she recommends.

I am reminded of a friend of mine, who kept searching and searching and searching for a church, until he finally found one that told him what he wanted to hear, and didn't challenge him to change any.

I'm bowing out.


Starsky

Sorry to hear you feel that way Starsky. I have appreciated your time and input.

To be honest, I don't see you doing anything wrong. Establish your boundaries, and be sure there are consequences to them if he crosses them. And in the meantime, continue to grow into a better person.

That's kind of what I thinking too MrBond. :-)

I love that piece by Jayne. I hadn't thought of it like that. It's brilliant.

As for detachment, it takes time mdu. It's taken me six months to mostly detach from my wife and even then I've still got more work to do. Remind yourself that it is his life and he will do what he sees fit, whether or not you agree with or like it. Eventually, what he does will affect you less and less and over time, things will start to not affect you at all.

I like your list of plans for the weekend. Remember not to mindread. What your husband does is his business. If he does anything that crosses your boundaries and you find out about it, as MrBond said, there are consequences. Other than that, he's just another person outside of your circle and you're living your own life (and enjoying it!).

Hmmm...so had a rather interesting convo with H tonite.

The fact is, although he's expressing *some* interest in reconciling he has yet to actually fully COMMIT to reconciling. Tonight, he described basically just letting things 'naturally' progress one way or the other (to D or toward reconciliation). Basically that at *some* point one (or both) of us would reach a point of knowing definitively what we want.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I ended up telling him that I really needed to think about things and speak to him again another time. This approach could obviously leave us in limbo land forever and can inpatient me really live like this for ANY length of time?? So, my natural inclination is to try to force a decision. To say 'You need to decide if you are in or out NOW and these are the conditions!' But that's what we did during our first separation, he picked me when forced and then we ended up separated again just a few weeks later. In other words, I'm wondering if trying to force a decision really is the right thing?

I do want him to pick me but I want him to pick me because HE chooses not because he's forced. But is that realistic, given the whole addictive nature of affairs?

Hmmm....much to think about, I'm glad I got off the phone and didn't say much in reply to what he described.