Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Marching forward with deal breakers in hand

Thanks MrBond! Really appreciate the feedback, very much thinking about it.

Thanks Barrybran... and Starsky!

Can't say enough how much appreciate everyone's feedback. This is an extremely helpful thread for me.

Ok...so while I do love the feedback I will admit it is confusing me a bit as to my next steps. So if I were to do a 180 around patience and work on not being controlling (and I agree, both very valid and appropriate goals for me) should I NOT tell him my boundaries regarding reconciliation right now (assuming he initiates a convo about the R)? Would that fly in the face of those goals?

Your boundaries are based on what you are willing to tolerate. But you leave how he respects and his actions of how he honors those boundaries up to him. You don't dictate what the actions he needs to take. Let him come up with his own ideas.

Hmmm...so forgive me for being thick but based on this feedback does this mean the 'deal breakers' I stated in my first post in this thread are off and need to modified? And if yes, how specifically?

it is not controlling to have boundaries...it is healthy (as long as your boundaries are healthy)

so...for instance...

I can NOT deal with lies...I need the truth, even if it isn't pretty.

it is a dealbreaker for me

telling my partner that that is a dealbreaker isn't being controlling...it's being honest. I can NOT deal with this so I thought you should know...

if they lie, then they know that maybe I am not the right person for them...I can't FORCE them to tell the truth...I can just be honest

requiring transparency isn't controlling...it is saying, hey...this is what I will deal with and this is what I won't...

It's about YOU...not them

Journaling...

So I tend to have epiphanies in the morning and today I woke up and realized how much I need to detach from H (you all already knew this..I know, I'm slow). My moods are unfortunately still SO dependent on him. Ugh! I am really worried about this weekend as it's a long weekend, I have the kids and I keep wondering if he'll be using it as an opportunity to visit OW (she lives 2 hours away). I'm also wondering whether he's going to reach out and request an R discussion as we had discussed previously or just drop it. I'm sure I'll be obsessing a bit about that as well and start getting depressed if he does NOT. I'm sure that will further feed into worry about him visiting OW. I know I need to let go and just try to focus on myself/my kids.

Currently the kids and I have very few plans this weekend. I really need to get on top of that! I'm going to work on getting that organized today and post again in a little while with my list of weekend activities/distractions. I'm sure I'll be posting a lot over the weekend to hopefully help keep me on track!

There was a poster here and on another forum named Jayne, and she phrased this whole "boundaries" thing better and clearer than I've ever seen it explained, thusly:


Jayne, on “boundaries”:

Think about boundaries like this:

Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.

Your WxH can do whatever he wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling him what to do.

But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.

He's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because he'll be outside your circle. He's free to go on and draw his own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.

He can do WHATEVER he wants. He's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices he wants.

BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.

That's all. Not about trying to control him at all. Tell him he's totally free. He has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever he wants.

If he's saying you have to let him into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HIM controlling YOU.

Thanks Starsky and Figgeroni!

Here are my GAL plans for the long weekend:

*S has b-day party to go to this evening, D and I will do a little shopping for S's b-day party next week
*After kids go to bed setup mapmyrun; haven't been consistent about running, neeed to get back into it!
*Tomorrow am get up early and go running
*Tomorrow am take S to baseball game
*Go food shopping, run errands.
*Booked a hotel for 1 night at a destination I've been meaning to take the kids for a while. Pack and head out after lunch for our get away adventure!
*Enjoy time away Saturday afternoon to Sunday night. Swimming at hotel pool, visit local museum (main reason we will be there), enjoy exploring the town
*Monday morning, get up early and run, mow the lawn (been procrastinating bc I'm a little scared of the riding lawn mower!). Get veggies for garden. Friends coming over for BBQ at 2pm.