Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers KGirl - Movin' On and Out!

What if you just came up with a proposal-- go through room by room on your own and type up a list of how you might divide things (or what you would like to take with you). Then send him the list and offer a deadline for a counter proposal? Try to keep emotion out of it. Move on with grace and dignity-- make it like a business negotiation. You'll need to start packing by x date, so if you don't hear back by x (reasonable) date, you'll assume he is ok with what is on the list...

I could do that but he wants to go over even little things - extra boxes of tissues, salt and pepper shakers...it will have to be an inventory of literally every item in the house. But maybe it's just how it has to be to get it done without being too emotional. Part of the problem is I attach too much feeling and emotion to physical things. Thank you for the idea!

KGirl, My W and I are almost at the inventory stage also. She keeps saying she wants to negotiate or do these type things together but when I ask her what her thinking is on want she wants moneywise and furniture etc... She backs away and says my L will talk to your L in those regards.

When I tell her it will save money if we did it by ourselves which is what she has indicated that she wants. She says I don't want to talk about it.

Im not sure if she doesn't trust me or if doing it together would bring up too many memories of the good days that we had and be too emotional for the both of us.

Like you my W and I both attach feelings to little things that shouldn't matter but when it comes to dividing them it may be extremely emotional in a sad way not an angry way.

IMO my W has done a tremendous job of removing herself from emotional sitchs just before it comes to the point where it may change her position to D.

It happened last night at viewing for my Aunt who passed away.

THis Aunt and Uncle have always been favorites of my W and they love her to pieces.

My Uncle has a little knowledge of our current predicament but not any specific details.

My W politely asked if I minded if she attended to pay her respects I said I absolutely think that would be well received and that it was fine with me.

When she saw my Uncle and gave him a hug and kiss and then another and still a third then teared up. I knew she wouldn't be staying long.

She then paid her respects to my Aunt and went in the hallway. I came out to see if she was ok and she said that she had to leave. I said ok I will see you at home.

My Uncle mentioned me as her husband and a cousin introduced her as my wife all very innocent because of lack of knowledge but I know that had an effect on my W. Just not sure whether it was sadness or anger.

My family truly loves my W and she has mentioned quite few times how she wants to keep in touch with them but doesn't want to be M to me.

I am not against her talking with any of my family but I am not allowed to talk to hers. I respect that request but I do miss her family terribly.

nit - it has been extremely emotional, for sure, and we've only done small, somewhat unmeaningful things so far. Since our wedding was less than 3 years ago we remember very clearly who gave us what, so it's easy to think things like "my grandma gave me this, I can't let H have this!" I know it's just stuff and mostly replaceable, but with a lot of it being wedding gifts it symbolizes a lot more. It also makes it more real - that the S is actually happening now. I find myself thinking "now is his chance.. he could convince me not to go, or to wait." But he doesn't.

Re: family, that has been tricky, too. I figured he would have told his mom and sisters that I was moving, so I sent them an e-mail w/ my e-mail and phone # in case they didn't have it and wanted to stay in touch. One e-mailed back and said "You sound like it's done for sure? What's going on? [H] hasn't told me anything in months." That's awkward. My mom has also asked if she can keep playing Words with Friends with H. I guess for now it's fine but I don't know that I'll feel comfortable with that after we physically S. Guess I'll see how I feel. I do feel sad not being involved with his family because he has nieces and nephews on his side and I'm not going to con't to see them grow up like I always thought. He has a very large extended family compared to mine and I've been a part of it for 10+ years, so I'll miss holidays and gatherings.

It's been a very emotional day for me. I notice that tends to happen when I have off work - too much time to think, I guess. Problem is I took a lot of time off because our leave expires at the end of the fiscal year, which may not be good for me, now that I think of it. And the packing and negotiating who gets what is more serious conversation than we've had in a long time, so that's hard too - especially when he doesn't show any emotion back, or tell me he's changed his mind. It seems like it doesn't affect him (which I know is mind-reading, maybe he just doesn't show it..) Ugh. I want the magic packing fairy to just come and figure out what I can take and do it for me

If I tell myself "this could all just be temporary or short-term" then I have an easier time working on the logistics. But am I lying to myself, then? Is it better to imagine the worst case scenario ("I will likely never come back to this house") so as to accept reality, even though it makes it very difficult to do the things that need to get done? I'm not sure. I feel like those are the two extremes (optimism vs. pessimism) - what's the in-between view?

For me, the in-between view would be to avoid either thought. Just think of it as what you are doing now. Right NOW you are moving out. That doesn't mean he is going to ask you to come back, but neither does it mean it's over forever. You simply need to take it day by day, doing what is best for YOU on a step by step basis. Think of it just as another step in this journey -- i.e. it's about the journey, not the destination.

Detach! Not just from him, but the "things". In the spirit of Clare7's post, remove the emotion from it.

I hope I don't come off as abrasive... but in the grand scheme of things, are the S&P shakers and Gnomes that important?

While i am not suggesting you roll on the "Ming Vase or Picasso", let him take the tissues. Act "as if".

You've gotten very good advice ^^^

Recognize that it's uncomfortable and stirs feelings in you, some good, some bad. Feeling uncomfortable doesn't mean we have to change anything in the moment. If we wait, our feelings will most likely change.

Are there any things you really need/want. Really think about that.

Most of this is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. It still brings up some very angry and sad emotions though. It's more about what's behind it than the particular things themselves. I know I can get new things, but why should I have to do more work for this S that I don't want? My thoughts go something like "It's not fair. I'm the one that has to move and be inconvenienced by the process. He just gets to stay in the house, that I spent all the time setting up showings and realtor appointments for. He gets to keep the cat because I know it's what's best for her because she likes him more, the cat that I convinced him we should get because he thought pets were a waste of money and time. And NOW, he's the one that wants a D, and yet I'm supposed to split half this stuff with him, stuff the vast majority of which I spent time picking out and watching for good deals?" I feel angry that I put most of the work into these aspects of our life together and now he'll reap the rewards of it without having to do anything. As I type this out, this is probably codependency at its finest, huh? Doing things that I wasn't asked to do and am now resentful that I'm not getting out of it what I put in. He's so hung up on wanting things to be EXACTLY how they were before I leave compared to after I leave (like, replacing bookcases that we agreed I will take with the exact same ones so it will look the same in that room, even though he owns about 5 books). I'm angry that he's spending more time thinking about that then why we are even in this position in the first place. Maybe I need to think of ways to ask for help - he had already offered to help me move, but I don't want him there that day. Maybe asking him to help me with packing some boxes, or moving things around, would help me feel less like I have to do all the work. So far I haven't asked him for help so it's not really fair to be so angry at him for not being involved.

I started making a list of things that were really important to me (my dresser, the vaccum, the kitchenaid mixer) and things that would be nice but are more negotiable. Based on things H has said we are going to have a lot of the same things on the "really important to have" list. It's all replaceable but again, I'm stuck on all those thoughts above.

On the other hand, the more I can let go, the faster this will go and easier it will be to get it done with. I just don't want to feel like I got walked all over/taken advantage of and be resentful in the future. I worry that this process will not making reconciling, if that's even in the picture, any easier.

This, of course, is all mixed in with the realization that this is actually happening, which doesn't help. I haven't been to IC in about a month because I thought I was doing OK.. realized I am not and made an appointment for later in the week. I had lunch with a friend today and she asked if any of this is changing my mind at all about wanting things to work. I don't really know right now, but that's OK. She is in the process of getting divorced as well and said that there came a final straw where she just knew she'd never want to try to make things work again w/ her H no matter what he did, and that's when she pulled the trigger. I'm certainly not there yet.

On another note, for any newer people reading this - it's SO TRUE that you can't believe a lot of what they say, and that they won't remember saying it later. I had a few instances in the past few days where I said something to H about something he said or agreed to over the past 6 months and he responded with "I don't remember saying that... are you sure I said that?" or "That's not what I said, you must have misheard me." Which I suppose could be true, but I don't think I'd misunderstand something so simple as him telling me to pay for the newspaper out of my own account going forward because I'm the only one who reads it. I have very clear pictures in my mind of where we were each standing or sitting when certain things were discussed... he has no recollection of them happening! So bizarre.

I totally believe that.

My W told me a few weeks ago that she hasn't been treating me any different pre-BD vs post-BD... I pointed out a few very specific examples of how that was obviously not the case, but realized it was a losing battle and shut up.

We had agreed to start going through who gets what today, and despite telling myself I was not going to lose it... I lost it. As soon as he said "I will be keeping the mattress because I bought that with my own money" I called him selfish, told him it wasn't fair that I didn't want this but am the one moving and losing the cat and that I think it's cr*p that I have to split half of our things with him, etc. I sobbed for a while. He just sat there and said "I'm not being selfish. It's what's fair." Nothing he says makes any sense. He says this separation is needed for him to clear his head and figure out what he wants...
Me: but you're 99% sure you want a D. That doesn't leave much room to figure anything out.
H: Well, it will help me with that 1% - either confirm it, or swing it the other way.
Me: 1% doesn't seem like it will be enough to swing it the other way.
H: Yeah, that's true.
Nothing he says makes any sense to me and seems very contradictory. He says this will be relatively easy for him because things stay the same, just I'm not there. But, that he likes having me around to talk to and joke with and whatnot. Re: things staying the same, I said "well your financial situation is going to change pretty drastically." He says "how?" Umm... you're paying double of what you were paying for housing. I said I still don't understand why this is happening.. he says he's explained it to me over and over. I say all I'm hearing is that you're just not in love with me anymore. He says yes. So that's all there is to it? I just don't understand how you can just be "not in love" with someone like you have no control over it. He said it's not about me, it's about him... but then says that things I said and did in the past didn't help. I have lots of theories, like maybe he's so ashamed of his EA that he can't face a relationship with me... but who knows. I don't think he knows. And I know I shouldn't waste time trying to find answers to questions that don't have answers, instead of focusing on me. But how do you move on when there's no closure and no explanation? He said it's not like this just came out of nowhere, he's been thinking about it for a long time. Why didn't he say anything to me when he was first thinking about it?

I know I'm supposed to wish him the best and that he finds his happiness or whatever. But I honestly don't right now. I hope that all he has is the cat and fantasy sports and is lonely and depressed and can't find a GF. How do you get to a place where you can genuinely wish someone well that has been so hurtful?

It's a good thing I have IC tomorrow... probably will just be lots of venting and anger. I'm angry at H for being such a cr*ppy person. I'm angry at myself for choosing poorly and having poor judgment. I doubt my ability to pick a better H in the future - I mean, I dated this one for 6 years before we got engaged, I would have hoped I knew enough about him to make a good choice. How would I ever be able to trust someone else after only a couple of years? My brain is being pretty good at the "I hate my life, it s*cks" story this week.