You are right MrCas many of the same anger issues and the treating everyone as insignificant compared to my perfection (never wrong).
The really hard and crappy stuff is about to start.
I do see where I started behind where you were at the time. Running away from myself also stuck out. I never moved states or jobs but did find reasons to stay away from home.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
[quote=JFun51 I am angry because___many reasons at the time. none valid__
I lose my temper because__it was my coping mechanism. father the same. uncle the same. learned? IDK___
I was unhappy with my life because_I felt cheated. Not by life. Looking through my journal certain things stand out that look like I felt cheated that I couldn't make everyone happy. Mostly that I wanted to love, wanted to make W happy, wanted to be a good person, and failed miserably__
My mother and father treated me this way_father-bad temper, the world never was enough. stepfather-way younger than my mother and he was still growing up so more of a buddy than father figure to learn from. mother-did the best she could under circumstances, tried to protect her kids from problems so maybe missed out on how to deal with life?__
quote]
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
1. What kind of person would you say your Mom is? Mom a little overprotective. Kind and warm lady that loves W dearly. My W always like my mother as well.
2. How did/does your Dad treat your Mom? Biological father yelled, demeaned, and demoralized my mother. Then after divorce changed into respectable man that makes my stepmom wonder why my mom left. Obviously he doesn't treat her the same.
3. How does your Dad treat your step-Mom? Dad treats my stemom very well. She is a strong woman that speaks her mind and he respects her.
4. How does your step-Dad treat your Mom? Stepdad has good/bad moments. Overall probably not the best. Does say negative demeaning things when he is in a mood. Other days he can spoil her.
5. I saw your posted that you believe your W to be really intelligent, yet, she reported different behavior and words...I would like to hear your side. I'm not sure why my W would say she isn't intelligent. That's boggling. I've always respected her intellect even when I was mean. I am proud and blessed to have such a woman in my life. She can accomplish anything she wants.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
"Ooofdah" is a Minnesotan slang term. It basically means "what the heck".
Thanks, I learned something really interesting
Someone once me a question during my journey that really made me think...
"Do you want to really save your marriage or do you just want to win?"
I want to win, but not the way i'm portrayed and yes I've acted before like and treated W as though I have to win and be in control. Yes, save my marriage but not as a competition. I want to win me back. Win at being a God fearing man that is proud of who he is. Win at being someone W can proudly acknowledge as H.
If my W had kept telling me to "quit DBing me" I would have taken that as a hint. It isn't funny, brother. She is telling you something and you are not listening.
The "quit DBing" comment has become a reflex anytime I do anything that is a 180 for me. Saying sorry, not losing temper, etc. Granted I do see your point so thanks for bringing it to light. I was not seeing it.
You have labeled your W as a WAW... Let me ask... Who walked away first? Who was the one that ignored everything she was doing to try and save the M? Yeah, buddy... That was you
Yes sir I own that. WAW is probably not the best label. I remember somebody mentioning they dislike labels but don't remember if it was uRworthy or Labug. I guess to make it easier I decided to work on M and she filed. I caused it and know that it may be doubly hard since W has no inclination to work on us. Like y'all say I gotta work on me. Will have to rethink how I want to do that and show love without pushing further away.
So, when your W decided to give you what you sought when did it become unacceptable? Was it because you no longer had control of the situation? Because you lost your say? Your way no longer mattered?
Actually if you read W posts in January she saw the signs I was trying. Granted I was lost, hadn't read at that point, hadn't sought help. The thought of losing control before was unacceptable to my mentality. I see in my notes that I saw that it was moving to a wanting to be better man mantra and knew control had to be given to God and to let him lead me. That came from out in left field as I was not searching for religion, but when my kids asked to go to church, I found something that I now know was missing. Several members of my family are very strong Christians but I had left that path long ago.
Dude, I was there in a lot of the same ways. I understand frustration. I understand anger.
The frustration and anger you describe in your threads are good for me to read. I have a MrCas file on my computer where I copied so I can reread easily. I've also read up on MLC, depression, verbally abusive spouses, and the suffering everyone around incurs do to that type of person.
You need to give your W space. You need to fix you. Like I have told you before... the three months you have been working on this is not going to make up for fifteen years you beat your M into the ground. Fifteen months of continued improvement might.
I have to keep reminding myself. I do remember the good times during those 15 years and I'm gunna guess that the last 5-6 are really the "mad at the world" attitude I had. W kept telling me my job loss and foreclosure, and bankruptcy were what drove me into depression and then MLC. Is she right? Probably. But we did have good times and very happy memories. Yes those are now lost to her and where to me the whole time I was being a complete jerk.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
Yesterday and today lots of baseball. S15 & S13 I took to game 1-1/2hr away Friday and enjoyed the drive there and back with them. I can see such a difference in how they open up and talk about sports, school, just anything now where before they wouldn't. This matters to me. I want to be the man they are proud of. I want to show them the love and affection that I have to give. I want to spend every day with them and as of comment yesterday, they feel the same. It brought tears to my eyes and warmth that I have been without for so many years.
Today I had youngest S and W to daughter to out of town game. He is such a funny little boy with very random actions. You can't help but laugh at kid. Now home and all he wants to do is watch a movie together and chit chat. Oh if only I could explain how much of a difference this is. It strengthens my determination to be a good father! To learn more, to give more, and to love more.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
No, that would be was. I was an angry man. I was a score keeping angry man who relished the role of victim. I didn't start out that way.
I see something in you that reminds me of some of what I went through.
Someone here told... It might be too late to save your marriage but it is never too late to save yourself or something to that effect.
Here is something I learned...
When my W said she wanted a D, I didn't put up any roadblocks. I didn't contest the D. I gave the attorneys every piece of information they requested.
I didn't discuss any of it with anyone except for a very select few... (read that three people... four if you count my attorney) because it was none of their business. I didn't try to sway the opinions of the people around me. I didn't play one side against the middle. I didn't involve any family to use against her.
I had a co-worker tell me... "If I hadn't seen you getting served, I would have no idea that you were going through a divorce. You never discuss it... you don't trash her... or him... WTF, dude, it is as if you doesn't bother you..."
Yeah, it bothered me. I was watching a woman I loved for twelve years walking away. I lost my marriage. I found me. I am more important than the broken marriage.
Like MWD says... your old marriage is dead. It is gone. It died an unceremonious death at BD. Can you start a new one? My crystal ball is still on the fritz so I can't tell you a definitive answer.
Until you fix you... you can not fix anything.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
