Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis 2nd time around part 2

TL72,

Thank you. I went to my IC Appointment and what hot mess I am.lol she did give me some input into me! Will be continuing.
H called. Of course because I've only xontacted him via text re kids. H called about kids then went into chit chat about his work etc. Tug a war I keep falling for it. I did end the conversation first but I should have a lot sooner. Now hes back to Mr. Nice guy.
Intersting note..my H has rarely been able to recover after an fight. I have most always had to approach him and start it. He doesnt seem to know how. Then he'll apologize take accountability if need but just cant start it.
So when I texted about kids I was really nice and he followed and could open that door???
More counseling for me!

well a lot has changed in the past few weeks. Found out my husband I've been seeing is EA now his girlfriend 4 the past 5 months. He meets her on a regular basis where she lives in the town I grew up in. And has met his family there well.
I have read things his family has said about me how miserable I am and he has been. He's aka the alcoholic which they are in denial about because they all are as well. And how much they like his new girlfriend. So much for being in a family for 20 years.
I also have found out how much my husband I hate me. Even this ringtone for me says something like I hate you I hate you I hate you. So now it's time to move on don't forget anything reconciling. Which I am becoming okay with.

It's been a while since I have been here. H and I don't communicate about much accept for the children. If anything else is talked about the nasty fight begins. He loves to still tell me how much he hates me and wants a divorce.
No divorce proceedings have happened. We started an online one and he didn't show up to go over it so I said forget it. It is always up to me to do it. He hasn't done anything on own just says he is going to when he gets money??
He has taken a few items outside with my insisting and the rest of his clothes. All the rest of his stuff is here and doesn't care to get it out??
He admitted he loved OW, but still says you don't know what could happen. We don't live in the same city (3 hrs away) and neither of us will move. You don't know that I might not date someone else. Nothing is forever, like our marriage!! (that's me talking).
H has been VERY angry at me because I sent an email to hi OW regarding us and that he was lying about our contact. H convinced her it was BS and told me it was none of her business.
OW soon to be ex husband contacted me from a message I send in October. H was furious that I told him everything. As he had no idea, just thought she wanted a divorce...
Anyway, this has made him "hate" me and communication has been pretty bad and I keep it at a minimum.
We had a party for out kid14th bday this weekend and it went well. We were together about 6 hours. Until, H ow was brought up, by me, . I just asked if she was okay with him being here. H blew up at me.....ugh. The topic of her is off limits!! That's fine with me and best I know.
I do wonder why they are so sensitive when it comes to talking to about OW...
When he though I was seeing someone he asked 100 questions.
He no longer asks anything I do and I can see he really has disconnected from anything me! He has a very short fuse.
H did mention he doesn't talk/test 50 times a day anymore..not sure I believe but is has been about 6 mos. And how long can a long distance relations really last as well as an affair on both sides??

I have been GAL, counseling, and doing my best not to think about him. I am about 85% disconnected but I still have that 15% of hope to try and reconcile. There is just so much to have to overcome.
I have started going out with my friend and working on dating.....

It's been a while since I have been here. H and I don't communicate about much accept for the children. If anything else is talked about the nasty fight begins. He loves to still tell me how much he hates me and wants a divorce.
No divorce proceedings have happened. We started an online one and he didn't show up to go over it so I said forget it. It is always up to me to do it. He hasn't done anything on own just says he is going to when he gets money??
He has taken a few items outside with my insisting and the rest of his clothes. All the rest of his stuff is here and doesn't care to get it out??
He admitted he loved OW, but still says you don't know what could happen. We don't live in the same city (3 hrs away) and neither of us will move. You don't know that I might not date someone else. Nothing is forever, like our marriage!! (that's me talking).
H has been VERY angry at me because I sent an email to hi OW regarding us and that he was lying about our contact. H convinced her it was BS and told me it was none of her business.
OW soon to be ex husband contacted me from a message I send in October. H was furious that I told him everything. As he had no idea, just thought she wanted a divorce...
Anyway, this has made him "hate" me and communication has been pretty bad and I keep it at a minimum.
We had a party for out kid14th bday this weekend and it went well. We were together about 6 hours. Until, H ow was brought up, by me, . I just asked if she was okay with him being here. H blew up at me.....ugh. The topic of her is off limits!! That's fine with me and best I know.
I do wonder why they are so sensitive when it comes to talking to about OW...
When he though I was seeing someone he asked 100 questions.
He no longer asks anything I do and I can see he really has disconnected from anything me! He has a very short fuse.
H did mention he doesn't talk/test 50 times a day anymore..not sure I believe but is has been about 6 mos. And how long can a long distance relations really last as well as an affair on both sides??
HE no longer wants to be friends. Just try to be civil....
I have been GAL, counseling, and doing my best not to think about him. I am about 85% disconnected but I still have that 15% of hope to try and reconcile. There is just so much to have to overcome.
I have started going out with my friend and working on dating.....
Any suggestions or advice is appreciated.

I wanted to add that as much as he is mean, angry with me, he still always call/texts back or calls...
H is out right now getting a new tire for the riding lawn mower.
He originally said he would still do all the work in the yard and anything I needed around the house to "I am doing nothing for you"!
Well, that lasted about a month and he was helping the kids with yardwork before the party Saturday and took it upon himself to get a new tire!

I really would like to know how to proceed with him if or if not I want to give up hope??

You now know what buttons you've pushed that brings the angry monster out to play, so...don't ask about the ow, relationship, etc. Keep your conversations light and airy, in other words talk about the children, the weather, sky or finances, but leave any relationship talks out of the equation.

If he should flip out on you and go from Mr. Nice to Mr. Monster during a conversation, change the subject to the children or the weather...he may very well calm himself down and go back to being Mr. Nice.

For now, leave him alone and if you can do things around your home yourself or have family/friends that you can rely on, then by all means do so. Your h hasn't completely detached and just as long as you don't rock his boat w/questions, etc., he just might be the type to hang around and do things. Time will tell on that.

There is always hope in any situation, but you will know when you've had enough...but for now, leave him alone, keep the focus on you and your children and one last thing...always thank him when he does something around the house. He needs to know that you recognize and are wiling to acknowledge his efforts there.

Thanks Job,


As always great advise! You are right I know what buttons to push.
I have been trying to do things myself around the house. He came over to help the kids. Last week my son and I needed to go to the dump. I mentioned I think my transition in Tahoe was not right. He had said a few days before he would not do anything for me. I said I was worried about hauling the trailer.
The next day his truck was in the driveway and $. That was very nice of him. However, I didn't go so well. He thought kids had half day like all week. He saw us leaving @3:30 and was mad we left so late. I explained he got out @ 3.

Gets worse, we go to the dump and his truck won't start! He was mad now. He came out with friend. I had taken keys out since we had to leave it and wait at the gate because they were closing.
They we're in such a hurry when I got there I forgot to give them the keys.. Which added fuel to the fire. When we got the truck started and when we got in I'm really sorry that all this. he looks right at me and said don't F-ing talk to me. He just said terrible things to me like I did it on purpose. My son was in the car....
This is how angry hes been lately since ive talked to ow ex husband and ow as well.
I've been trying my hardest and now know we can't talk at all! About ow and us.

As fast as he gets angry he then calms down in a few days as long as I keep the "nice" going.

I often wonder why when h/w leave and they are in another, they almost all get very defensive talking about ow/om? Guilt maybe?? It was funny that it was ok to ask about me but he was/is off limits!

Oh, and yes, I do thank him for everything. He even thanks me and said how much he appreciated me giving him the kids schedule.

Guilt and shame play a huge role in MLC, as well as depression. He is very much aware that what he's doing isn't right and he doesn't want to be reminded of it. Keep in mind, he's about 16-18 yrs. old and doesn't want to talk about the ow to you (mom figure). In his mind, what he's doing is his own personal business and doesn't need to share it w/you or anyone else. They like to keep the op a secret for as long as possible. Now that you know, the fantasy and the thrill of keeping the secret are gone.

As for the OW's husband being aware of the situation, well, both of them aren't too happy to know that it's out and your h is angry that you told the husband. Again, that's what happens when affairs are exposed.

As for the truck issue, that's not your fault. It's something that just happened and him getting bent out of shape is very typical of MLCers. They have a very, very short fuse and don't like to have anything ruffle their feathers. I can still remember my xh getting angry at a woman making a left turn in a parking lot on a very hot day and him calling me to tell me about it. He was furious. In their minds, life has to be simple w/no issues arising.

MLCers are very nosy when it comes to us, i.e., what we are doing, where we are, etc. It's part of the "control" package and when they sense that we are moving forward/on, they tend to try to reel us back in. They want us to be right where they left us when the crisis began. Unfortunately, life doesn't happen that way.

So, for today, keep the focus on you and your family. Always remember, it's all about him and his emotional state. You didn't break him.

^^^^^ omg job, you have described my h to a t. Absolutely.

He's now thinking he can make the ow legit, he said I'm moving on and she's leading me.
Small things did make him angry, mishaps you had no control over he would flip out.
If he couldn't control you he would punish, by saying it you don't behave correctly we will pack up and go home. 2 days into an os trip for my nans funeral.

He also threatened if I didn't learn to behave at bomb drop he would punish my by banning me from his home.

Heeeeelllllloooooo mate, you've left me we are separated i dont live there and you dont want me to call you, who cares if I can come over. Like a give a toss!