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He stayed at the house last night to watch the kiddo since I had to work late. I stayed downstairs while he watched TV upstairs. This morning, I spoke a little about bills and when he was going to move his things. He doesn't have an apartment until the beginning of next month. I said he could stay at the house but needed to pay half of the bills while there. Good idea or bad?

I need to turn the dimmer almost off though...I added a bunch of events (counseling appts, divorce support group meetings) in the evenijgs. He wanted to know what I was going to. The divorce coach I spoke with last time said because he is that insecure, it is probably best to tell him as not telling him makes him angry and push towards D more.

That said, I am really over being controlled and worried about him getting upset that I am going out and getting a life. As I mentioned in a previous post - I am also emotionally drained. Hes great at the guilt trip thing. And has crushed my self esteem when he's mad before, to the point I just stopped trying to make new friends. That is very wrong.

So dilemma...do I tell him what I am doing straight up, vaguely mention I am going to do things with "friends" or tell him the day he filed was the day I stopped telling him what I am doing?

Long Road,

I'm sorry you are here. Having a baby can be stressful in itself so congratulations on your little one. I have not read your previous threads.

I feel very stringy about this. When we make decisions, we have to own all that goes along with them. I'm sure we've all made some we didn't like ( I know I have)the all that goes along with them piece. Nevertheless, actions have consequences. This situation is no different. If your h lives at home, he has to pay bills. End of story.

You owe him no discussion of what you are doing. I understand you are afraid to make him mad but you cannot control how he reacts or how he feels. And besides, is he "happy" right now? No. He will probably be angry regardless of what you do. And you cannot control him. Only you.

So start GALing. Forget what he says about meet ups being single groups. That's his opinion and he's moving out. Enjoy your baby. Be pleasant and cordial and DO NOT contact him unless it's necessity. Live your life and focus on being happy. I know it's difficult and you can do it.

Oops. I feel strongly. Not Stringy:)

And Long Road, you do realize you can't make your h feel secure, right? That's his deal.

You are right. He has to deal.

He's also telling me I cannot "move on" and meet other people until the D is final. My L laughed and said while it's probably not a good idea, he can pound sand as this is a no fault state, and adultery doesn't mean I am a bad mom. I wouldn't do it, but the fact he is still trying to control my life after filing for a D is more than mildly infuriating me.

He wanted to ride the jointly owned motorcycle tomorrow. The last time he filed he took it and hid it. So now I have the title and keys. I told him if he was willing to put a GPS tracking box of some sort on it and take out full coverage - he was more than welcome to ride it until it was sold. If not then I wasn't comfortable with him taking it. He didn't like my answer and tried to guilt me by saying "this is why we are getting a D" but I didn't bite. I just said ok and walked away. If he hadn't filed, he could ride it any time he wanted and there would still be full coverage on it. As it stands, he filed and I am afraid he will take it. Fair as far as what I did? I dont know. But I know I have to protect myself as well.

Kinda feels good to stand up for myself for once.

Typing now as I just put the kidlet back to bed but have a full day.

Initially, I had told him I was going out of town for mother's day with my little one. Hes always been the type to do what I do, if nothing other than to make himself look like he has plans, friends etc. NPD coming out on that one. Anyhow, I just said "ok." I didnt ask where he was going, with who, nada. I just made plans to go stay in a swanky condo (it belong to my L who happens to be a good friend of mine and is out of town this weekend.) Place we are going has a pool, its right across the street from a big popular lake with a walking trail, its in a fun city where I am sure kidlet and I can find something to do; and its where my grandmother lives, ao we will definitely visit her.

That said I had wanted to go to the store this morning and asked H if he could watch kidlet for an hour before I went just to make it easier. He had said "maybe" as he was leaving town as well. I had also told H a friend of mine (50+ year old military member who is like a dad to me and grandfather to my kid) was coming over to check on me. He knows what was going on so came over with beer and we ordered chinese food. H drove by, saw vehicles here and chickened out. My friend isnt the type to stir the pot - he thinks H is an idiot but wouldn't say it to his face. However, H just said he wanted to "give me privacy in my own home." I wanted to ask why he still lives here if that were the case but I did not. All I replied with was "ok, thanks."

My friend left, and H was texting me about a guy who brought in a very young kid to the movie. I didnt reply. He had also sent me a text about a legally blind pole vaulter earlier since th at was my sport in high school and college. Friend came over so I didnt reply right away and then forgot. I went to bed and woke up with the baby to 2 texts from him asking if I was still awake and then saying he would watch the kiddo in the morning. I had already made arrangements to bring her with me part of the time, then have a girl who I am also in the military with come sit with her while I do a couple of things before the two of us left for said condo. I told him thanks, but I had secured child care.

H is now mad, but its sh** or get off the pot with babysitting. I asked him first, he didnt reply until 11PM, so I made my own arrangements.

He did pay me support today as agreed without a fight. I was expecting him to blow up at me as he had when previously talking about it.

Yesterday took kidlet and went out to GAL. He had said he was "going out of town" and never ended up going.

Kidlet took a nap, and as soon as she was up we were off. I had decided I was finally going to get house stuff done. It's going to be my house if we D, and he never wanted to do anything. So I went and got a tree for the backyard (plus the city gives us a credit for drought tolerant trees!) and ordered stone to be delivered to go around the flower beds. Got home, and told my H a friend from the military was going to come help me plant said tree.

He made his escape at that point. Any time my friends are over, he finds excuses to leave. This time, he said he was going to go put a deposit down on his apartment. Ok, sure. He said he had no way of getting money out of his new account as the card had not come in yet. I told him to transfer it to the joint account and take it out, then went about my business. He went off to do that, and I ran off on errands.

While I was at the stone place, I got a call from him. Didn't answer, and let it go to VM. He had just wanted to know what I was doing, and to tell me he was going back to the house. I got done at the stone place, went back to the house. Get there, and mention that said friend still hasn't come to help me plant the tree. It's at this point he decides he is going swimming. He also tells me that "the 2 bedroom I wanted is now not going to be ready until July, so I didn't put a deposit down. I thought about just getting a 1 bedroom for now, but I don't know."

I just said "ok, that's your call."

He left as my grandfather like friend was coming over to help plant the tree and hang the fan that has been waiting to be hung on the porch for almost a year. Said friend stayed a little while, and then kidlet and I packed up to head off to go swimming.

He texted me asking me to take pictures of her swimming. I didn't reply, and was just thinking about how I'd get pictures of her swimming if I were in the pool with her...but I digress. We get to my friends condo, and down to the pool. Another girl friend of mine shows up, and we proceed to attempt swimming. Water is a little cool, and the second the kiddo gets her feet wet she starts screeching. This is a nice, swanky pool in the middle of a big downtown area, so the patrons were giving us some looks. I just laughed, took her out and let her crawl around the flower beds eating dirt.

We were going to stay the night up there, but in my rush to get out before it was too late to go swimming, I left the pack and play at the sitters house next door (where kidlet goes during the week.) Get home, and he asks "what happened?" I just mention the issue about the pack and play, and then tell him she needs a bath. On his way to take her upstairs for a bath, he says he is watching a movie he bought on cable and asks if I want to watch it with him. Jaw drops, but ok.

He takes her and gives her a bath while I make a bottle. I get up, and help him with her bath. He helps me put lotion on her and get her PJ's on (always a struggle) and I put her to bed.

Afterwards, we start watching the movie. He's already 30 mins in to it, but pauses it and explains the entire backstory while it's going. Then, a little while later, he pauses to explain another situation that is occurring in the movie. He HATES explaining stuff in the middle of movies. I was never bad about asking, but if other people are watching a movie with us and start asking questions, it irritates him.

I got tired after the movie was up, and told him I was going to bed. I was surprised about the outcome of yesterday. The apartment one was pretty big. I figured he already paid for a place, signed etc. as he acted so sure that he had one. That was mind reading on my end.

OH, a late addition - he bought me something for mother's day. He got me a photography session for me and the little one. He said "I don't know why I never wanted to pay for it before, but I got you a photography session for mother's day."

Backstory on that - he's a cheapskate. Never wanted to get professional pictures of the kiddo done because of cost. I really really wanted some.

Anyhow, nothing today. If the kiddo wakes up soon, we will go to the zoo for mother's day. At the very least, I will take her to breakfast with me at a really cool little local cafe, then maybe hit up the artisans market to see what they have going on. I'm worn out from tree planting and running around yesterday. I also COULD finish the backsplash...all it needs is grout. That just requires me moving everything off of the counters.

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there!!!

And, then talking about bills today and what he would need to pay if he stays here...it blew up.

I said he's more than welcome to stay, but needs to pay 1/2 the bills. He agreed. I mentioned what he owed me for 1/2 since the day he filed today...he exploded. Said I was stealing money from him and nickel and diming him to death. Then started in on the personal attacks.

I stopped him, told him either he pays the bills and doesn't start in on me, or he can move out. He says his apartment won't be ready until the first of June. I told him he should look into staying with a friend. I said it was not good for him to stay here for ME because he was toxic to me when he spoke to me that way. He then told me too bad, it was his house, too. I agreed, but then said we needed to setup a temp orders hearing again, and involve attorneys as this was just not working. Well, he knows if he does that, then he has to refill his retainer. He doesn't want to do that. I gave him a week to find another place to stay.

He went out to see a friend who was in town today. After he did, I went ahead and called the apartments he's moving to in order to ask if they had anything available NOW in a smaller size for a month, and was then going to ask if someone wanted a larger size but it wasn't ready for a month, if they could rent a smaller apartment for 30 days and then move.

Turns out, they have PLENTY of availability. I'm not going to bring this up, but it just reinforces that he's still more than willing to lie to me, whatever the cost and whatever his reasoning might be.

Either way, he's not going to speak to me that way any longer. Then he's mad because I will not let him take out jointly owned furniture to move. If he cannot sell his motorcycle (jointly owned) and pay off part of the joint credit card, then we would need to sell jointly owned assets in order to pay it off.

He admits he didn't think about what he would do AFTER filing, but now that he's realizing he has to buy furniture, crib, pay deposits and first month on top of paying support...he's really getting irritated.

It's not my problem, and I am not trying to punish him - but these are things he's going to have to face and deal with.

I also told him since he wants the D so bad, he now can either re-hire is L to file paperwork (he won't; doesn't want to pay another $4k in a retainer on top of all of what I listed above) or he can do it himself and work through my attorney.

Of all days to do this...my first Mothers Day. I just wanted a nice day with my kiddo. So much for that.

Adding: any thoughts on him lying about the availability of the apartments? I'm thinking it's more because he's a cheapskate and wants to save some more, but do I need to tell him I called and they have availability or just leave it alone?

Well you need to stop focussing so much on him and controlling his life, you do things to protect yourself but you dont have to do things to control him, there is no point on you calling the apartments, unless of course you want him to grow resentment towards you, if you dont want him in the house its as simple as telling him to leave, whatever he does with that its his decission and you cant and should not control that outcome.
If he wants to move he will, if you force him to move by following his steps and calling his lies, he may turn around and say he is not moving anywhere because its also his house and then this might turn nastier.
Stop controlling and treating him like a child, you are hurt so you are gonna be better by GAL and dbing than forcing things to avoid your pain.