Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife doesn't feel it... (Part 2)

I know that. It's just hard because I still love her and want my marriage to work.

Corbean, I understand how this feels. I've been bouncing back and forth for weeks now on whether to file or not. But its not about your W changing her mind and you can't focus on that. If you are at risk of loosing rights to your kids or you have concerns over what kind of conditions your kids are being exposed to, you have to consider that first. She will likely be mad, but you can't mind read or predict the future. You make decisions for yourself and kids now and leave her to deal with her own sh*t.

I myself have finally come to the conclusion that paperwork will have to be drawn up for boundaries at this point for me. It doesn't mean I've given up. I hear you say quite often that you realize that the current M is dead and you have to accept it. I know its harder done than said, but if you can admit it then you tell me what is honestly the best decision here for you not thinking about future of your M?

Well...

I want it to work too, as long as it is emotionally healthy for you AND the kids to be in....

DO NOT sell yourself, just to say that you are still married...

No one interaction will either make your marriage, or break your marriage at this point...

Although...IF, one day she happens to look back at this and wonder what kind of Man that you are, and Father that you are....

What would YOU want to think if you were in her shoes ????

Be the person today, that you want your kids' memory to be about....


If I were you, I would check in your state, to see if you can file a temporary custody order in the juvenile court system, without having to file for a Divorce...

THAT would be my first step.....

Leaving the schidt-storm that is called your marriage right now....out of it....

Hmm good call I'll check

Lawyer said all this could take a year anyway. Wife hung up on me when I tried to talk to her about it. I've got to make the right call for my kids whether she likes it or not.

I have no advice at this time Corbean. But I wanted you to know we're all here for you.

I know how awful this is, and I wouldn't wish this on anybody.

One day at a time.

Thanks guys, I've decided I'm pressing forward on it. After she hung up on me to hang out with the OM and has my kids with her. I can't let my children be seeing me so easily replaced as their dad. She's going to hate me, but I can't focus on that. I have to give my kids what they deserve and I'll let God handle her.

When I did that during my first D, my ex-wife changed into a fire breathing dragon. Expect your W to do the same and never ever, ever let her suck you into a fight.

If she can get you to fight, it will justify her A.

Corbean,

First I want to say that my career and passion is working with the special needs population and I do believe that the proper therapies at the right time can make a huge difference in their quality of life.

So I can understand and support your wanting that for your D.

That being said, I would like you to make sure that you are acting in the correct way for the right reasons.

What happened to looking into a temporary custody order?

In just a few posts and one conversation that did not go the way that you wanted it to, you suddenly flipped back to filing for D...

Explore all of the options. That would be the best course of action.

I also want to say that I have read all of your posts. I see some things that are huge red flags for me.

I believe the real reason you want to file is because you are angry with your W for having an A (that I am not even sure is really happening, unless you left out some details.)

I see you standing on a soapbox and talking about how immoral and disrespectful towards you she is being.

I also see you saying you want to be a different and better man in one post and then in the next post you show your old self clearly.

Your porn issue...any particular reason that it took your W leaving to get you to stop?

While I don't necessarily have a problem with pornography (it can actually be a nice addition to a healthy relationship), it can be very problematic to a relationship when abused.

To many women, it shows a lack of respect for them. It can also make them feel inadequate and undesirable. And like they are being cheated on, with someone who only exists in pictures, which can actually be worse than if it were a real person.

If a woman asks a man to stop or not look at it, I believe it is important for that man to stop. If he doesn't, it shows a complete disregard for her feelings.

So for me, the moral soapbox of pornography isn't about the actual looking, it is about the effects of that activity.

I would like you to think about that before you decide to hold her feet to the fire for what you believe she is doing right now, because it isn't any different than what you did.

Leave the judgement to God. He is the only one qualified to hand that down.

Hello 2x4.

Well I'm actually not filing for divorce. The lawyer said that they don't do temporary custody agreements in Illinois, and that it has to be a part of filing. However, after doing some research I learned I can file instead for legal seperation and still get the kids.

I've decided to do this because my daughter absolutely needs her care, if my wife isn't going to step up to the plate and ensure she gets that care then I am going to take responsibility for my family and ensure they get it. Right now they are sleeping in pack and plays and my wife is making no moves to give them a steady living enviroment. Despite whatever my wife is doing I believe I am doing what's in the best interest of my children.

I know for a fact she is having an actual full blown relationship with this guy because she has confessed it to me and goes as far as throwing in my face by telling me that she loves him more than she ever loved me. It hurts, but it did provide me the kick in the butt I needed to stop thinking about how I was going to make her mad and ruin a chance of rekindling our marriage into thinking about what is best for my children. I belive that is having a parent that is focused on them and making their life stable and not worried about pursuing an A.

As for quitting the porn it's the same reason I decided to quit playing video games. I decided enough was enough and I'm ready to grow into a man. I used those two things as a means to escape from responsibility and dealing with issues. I made a firm decision that I want to change my life for the better and learn how to handle things right and stop being the old me. Honestly, I hate the guy I was and I completely understand why my wife would have wanted to leave. While I understand how she feels and why she would seek validation from another man I don't believe in doing it after we were only seperated for 2 weeks, having him around my children 80% of the time, and throwing it in my face.

I do realize that I shouldn't judge her, and that is why I am honestly open to working on the M if she ever decides she wants to. I know that I wasn't the best husband, and I needed to change a lot and that is what I'm doing. I just get frustrated when she acts like she does about it, and this is probably something I need to work on. Growth is a slow process after all.

However, I am doing this for the best interest of my children fully knowing that she will probably hate me for it.