Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife doesn't feel it... (Part 2)

Well, right now she doesn't have a job, a car, or a place to stay besides her parents. All of her energy is going into her relationship with the OM. I'm meeting with a L on Monday to discuss my rights etc. And to go ahead and file for a temporary custody agreement that says I will have custody of the children until she has all of the above taken care of and stability. I'm sure it will piss her off and she'll think I'm being vindictive, but it's making sure my kids are well taken care of. My daughter is special needs and need her therapy and care. I will tell her that my goal isn't to make her mad, but to help her get stabalized before she has to take care of the kids also.

I am torn on whether I should tell her I'm doing this before I do it, or just do it. However, after that is taken care of I plan to file for D soon after that. It's not to get a reaction or anything, I just genuinely feel that the M is over.

I'm not giving up complete hope, because God can work miracles and I am going to very seriously focus on me and becoming the best me I can and maybe she'll see that changes and peace that I'm finding and want it for herself one day, but as it stands to me our M is over.

What's the rush in filing? If you still love her and can forgive her, why not wait to see how this thing plays out?

As I'm sure you've read here, most A's fizzle out. Do you want to be there when it does?

Whether you are divorced or not, it won't fix the way you feel at the moment.

I don't know Thorton. I just feel like how she handled this whole thing is incredibly disrespectful. In this entire marriage I've always been the doormat and let her do whatever she wanted because I was always afraid of losing her. However, now that she's gone and she has no issues doing something like that I just feel that emotionally I'm done with this marriage. I just want to be a better person and grow myself. I'm tired of being a doormat honestly. I'm not saying I would actually go through the process of taking it all the way to divorce just yet, but filing so that we are legally seperated would let her know that I find it incredibly disrepectful what she's doing and that I am going to stand up for myself. I didn't react with anger yesterday and today was very pleasent with her when I called to talk to my son, but to be publicly walking around with this guy, posting it on facebook, and her whole family knew what she has been doing the whole time and aren't saying a word to her is so insulting to me and I feel like I have to stick up for myself.

Like I said I'm not opposed to making a new marriage with her, but it would literally take her coming to me and giving a heart felt apology, asking what it would take to make the marriage work, and when I tell her that the only way I would ever rekindle a relationship with her would be if God were the foundation. I honestly can never see her doing that, I feel like she has dug her hole way too deep. And I feel like every time I step foot around her family or her hometown I'm the laughing stock and the fool.

Give it to me raw and honest. What would you do in the situation, and what do you think I should do?

First off, I agree with you about protecting your kids. Talk to the lawyer about for sure.

Second, you are an emotional time bomb right (I am too). All of the advice I've seen and read about mentions staying calm and not REACTING. Wait until you start to feel balanced, really balanced.

You may feel balanced right now but I also notice your mood changes like the wind every day. Be aware of that.

Yes, your wife is being very disrespectful. But you often talk about forgiveness and your belief in God. What would God say to you if you were to have a conversation with him?

Would he say "Quick! Divorce her Corbean! She's cheating!"?

Would he say "Corbean, be still"?

Corbean,

I think it's always a good idea to consult a L. It never hurts to know your rights and find out what various scenarios may be. It may help you feel better about any decisions you make.


Only you can decide what you think of your w and how you want to proceed. Wil filing heal you? Will it make you feel better? Probably not. What is does done look like to you? You do have kids. Much to even my own chagrin, none of us have a crystal ball. It sounds like you need to work on being more assertive-for you. Think about what you what.

In regards to what other peeps think, I'm so guilty of feeling like I look like an idiot. I could relay stories here but what I realized is that while I'm a work in progress, I'm okay with working on me. Yes, some scenarios made me *think* I looked foolish to h's coworkers, I am a good person. What *they* think based on what someone else told them doesn't really matter. Just stings a bit or hurts the ego.

I know it's difficult but take the focus off your w. She's not the same w you married. Focus on you and your kids. You cannot change or fix her.

Honestly in this situation, I would do exactly what I'm doing now. Relying on the the people that have experienced this before and come out stronger.

Personally, I know my mind if completely haywire right now. I acknowledge it, accept it.

Do I struggle? OMG you have no idea!

But I keep coming back here and do my absolute best to LISTEN to what I'm being told.

Mach has smacked me with some 2x4's recently because of the way I'm thinking. He knows exactly what I'm feeling and he is guiding me, probably to help me avoid making some of the mistakes he made at some time in his early DB days.

His and everyone else's advice is priceless to me. I know if I do this my way, I WILL lose my WAW. But if I can adopt the DB way of thinking (it is freaking hard!), I might have a chance.

Lastly, I do not want to be haunted by regrets. If things don't work out with WAW, I will be able to have move forward knowing that I gave it everything I got.

That's a good question and I really wish I could ask him lol.

You make me think for real and he already laid it heavy on my heart that I need make peace with it and forgive her in my heart. So I did, it's my brain that is telling me to divorce her (and friends of course). I mean do you see a way back from this? Her ENTIRE network knows, her friends, family, some of my family I mean what can I do?

Only because you are absolutely right and I am reacting on emotion right now, I will hold off on filing for a while. I believe in miracles, but hearing her take accountability for her actions, and asking to genuinly work on the marriage, then agreeing to put God first would be the biggest miracle I've ever seen in my life, and God saved my daughter's life when the Dr gave her a 60% chance to live.

Man, you really opened something up inside me, when I was focused on filing for divorce and standing up for myself I had a peace that made me feel like I was finally in control of my life, and now I have an uneasiness inside me like God is telling me that I need to slow down and let him work.

Thank you Thorton, but I hate feeling like I have no clue what to do.

I guess if I'm being honest with myself and you, then what scares me the most is that her entire family knows about it and all of her friends. There is no voice of reason in her life right now. If they are all ok with her doing this, then what chance is there really of us ever being able to work things out?

Please I would love for a vet to weigh in on this situation too. I really need some honest to goodness 2x4's to my face right now to help me think clearly.