Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife doesn't feel it... (Part 2)

I am so sorry that your situation is spiraling downward. However, during this time of anger, frustration and disillusionment, it is very difficult to focus on your goals for you marriage and your children. I urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach. Please call me to discuss how we can help you. 303-444-7004.

My H filed and EVERYONE knew about it. That case was dismissed. He's filed again, but it already wavering. That said, I'm not sure I will waver in pushing it through. I never wanted a divorce, I do not right now, but who is to say I won't in a month or two?

I have a LOT going for me right now. I know I'm smart, funny, attractive, in shape and have one of the coolest jobs on the planet which is a great conversation starter. It wouldn't take me any time at all to find dates, but I have zero interest in that right now. For now, I'm content to getting back to my hobbies without him controlling me and telling me that I cannot go.

Do you have any hobbies at all? You have kids. Mine takes up a TON of my time. I would imagine yours do as well. At night, do some sort of exercise program. See if someone is selling P90X or similar cheap. After doing those, and getting a shower, read a book and it's bedtime. Immerse yourself in things to where you literally have NO TIME to think about it and are exhausted from GAL-ing at the end of the day.

It's working for me.

If her family knows, does that reflect poorly on her or you? Do you think they are telling her "Good job WAW! Way to cheat on your husband! Congrats!"

Where does that come from Corbean? Whether they agree with her or not, they are not married to you.

The truth is, you haven't forgiven her....yet. That's going to take some serious time. You've been hit by a freight train.

If you truly have forgiven her, you wouldn't be so messed up right now. You WANT to forgive her but you haven't. You can talk to your pastor all you want, but I don't think it's possible for someone to forgive their spouse for infidelity after a conversation and a prayer. It's going to take some time, probably much more than you think it will.

You're racing right now.

My ExW cheated on me. It made me lose faith in the human race. I didnt know if I wanted to live anymore. The scars run deep. Eventually her A ended after we were seperated for a while. Guess who came knockin' with tears in her eyes? By that time I had already moved on with another woman.

I KNOW for a fact, my ExW regrets what she did to this day. She has gone from relationship to relationship to relationship and SHE has been cheated on. Hell, she would call ME for advice. Funny how things work like that.

She still hints with me that she misses us. My feelings died for her many, many years ago.

I would suggest that you see a grief counselor. You need to process this stuff. My first appointment is Monday, I cant wait!

What are you so afraid of ???

Perception ??

Judgement ??

I would say that you see things in Black and White. Yet, not everything in our lives is colored with just those 2 choices...

Why does it have to be one way or another for now ???

What WOULD that conversation entail ??

I would assume that it would include him asking you what your vows mean to you ???

What does loving her mean to you ???

What are you working toward ?? And what result do you want ??

And I would also assume that he would tell you that you need to lay all of this at the foot of his cross, and let it be sorted out later...

To focus on the things that you CAN control, and leave the rest to faith....


These things take time, and nothing is going to magically change just because you file, or don't file...

Your emotions will still be attached to them, regardless of your marital status....

Be still for now, work on finding your center, and move forward for yourself ( that doesn't mean to move on either)....

Ok great advice. My goal in filing isn't to speed things up so I can date, it's to finally stand up for myself in a relationship where I was controlled by fear for way too long. I guess that's the entirely wrong reason to do so.

Honestly I have a lot of growth to do right now, I repeated a lot of errors from my first marriage in this marriage and commited way more wrongs too. I know I don't want to be that guy anymore and I've never really discovered who I am as a person and that is my goal right now. Filing won't speed up that process.

My hobbies were always video games, and I have stopped playing them. I tend to have an obssessive personality and once I set my mind on it I obssess over it non-stop. To me I have finally realized that video games are not healthy or productive in my life and that I wanted to stop playing them. I have also stopped looking at porn completely. So the two things I spent most of my time doing I now do not at all lol.

So far to GAL I'm doing a few things, I got to the gym every morning and run every night, except on Sundays. I've already started counseling to work on a lot of my issues, I'm joining a men's group that meets Tues mornings, starting a group to overcome my obssessive tendancies, which actually starts tonight, I'm going to church, and every now and then I'll go see a movie, I also found a mentor in the church to help teach me what it means to be a good father and husband. (I don't have a mother, she left when I was 2 and I don't know her, and I had an absentee father who was a drunk, so not the best examples in my life) I'm not sure what else I can do right, I've always had an interest in woodworking, but don't have the money to get the tools necessary to start right now.

My current goals are this:

- Learn who I am, and be happy with myself.
- Stop being co-dependent
- Establish a healthy relationship with God
- Read the Bible
- Get back in really good shape

Perhaps I need some better goals to work towards idk. My typical day when I get home is to go running, come home shower, write in my journal, do whatever house work needs doing, maybe watch some TV, go to bed and read my Bible.

And yes Mach that's exactly what I'm afraid of, perception, judgement. How do I walk into that town and be around her family and not feel like a fool, and completely awkward? Perhaps I should see more grey. It doesn't have to be one way or the other for now, whether I'm filed or not it's still my personal growth I need to seek. My vows to me meant that I was hers til death do us part, but my pride is telling me that I'm a joke to her now and if I let her do this to me I'll never have her respect. Loving her to me means fighting for her and never giving up, but it feels like I'm fighting for someone who hates me and doesn't want it. I want a happy healthy marriage with someone who respects me, has unconditional love for me, completely accepts me for who I am, and won't quit when the going gets rough. Perhaps I do need to have a long conversation with Jesus and get a lot of it out there and ask for some clarity on the situation.

Does she define who you are, and what you are capable of ???

For the past 5 years yes she has. Being honest with you I don't know who I am anymore, and that's my #1 goal is to figure that out.

It's not going to pass her off til no end and push her away if I file for Temp custody of the kids til she gets stability?

I guess that's me being controlled by fear and not thinking of my kids well being. NM

So today I woke up in turmoil and could only envision what they must be doing together, I was taking it pretty hard, but then I met with the mentor that my pastor hooked me up with and he gave me a lot of hope that he can help me get to where I want to be as a person. I walked away very encouraged and and trying to just leave her to God. Though I've been feeling very rough lately I have maintained LRT and stayed dark except to talk about/to the kids. I just heard something that made me take a min to think too.

"Impossible is not a word, it's just a reason for people not to try."