Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Newbie - bf suddenly left after 9 years

Hi Ital, sorry you found yourself here.

KML is offering you some good advice. She is a wise lady.

I had a sampling of what was to come also. My H had a bit of a freakout when we had our first child, married for about 10 years, and it continued for some years. We separated, almost divorced and, then, had a few more good years together before he went all apeshid into MLC.

This stuff isn't for the faint-hearted. It's brutal, gut-wrenching stuff. I would no more expose my children to who my H has become, in hindsight, than I would put them in a room full of black mambas.

Their world has been turned upside down. My youngest daughter in on the Autism Spectrum and has, now, to deal with her MIA dad in addition to her disability.

My guy was a great guy too. Everyone loved him and those closest to him can't believe the things he has done. Those who don't know the details wouldn't believe it. He was the guy everyone loved.

This same man almost drove us into foreclosure when he stopped paying me support. At this same time, he took the OW on vacation.

Read the threads, educate yourself about MLC.Just think this through carefully.

Take Care,

Heather

Kml - you are AWESOME ! What kind of music do you play? I'm a sucker for classic rock myself...

Kml and Lois - Thank you so much for your input. I have been thinking about it this way more and more these days. Althought I seem to be cycling every day through a new emotion, or fixating on a different point... it's kind of draining. My rational brain says one thing, but my subconscious keeps throwing poop at me and messing me up...

Musings...

I have been reading a little on another forum about what they call GIGS - the Grass is Greener Syndrome. It seems to have many of the same hallmarks of MLC, except it's just about the relationship and not the rest of one's life, I guess.

Anyway I have found a couple of interesting quotes to mull over.



HA. Look at that. Sounds familiar... if it wasn't for the fact that my BF is most definitely not advancing with his life, but rather has been sinking in the same swamp for the past 15 years. Somehow he seems to now believe I was the weight holding him down, which strikes me as very unfair - and I mentioned as much to him.

I have been thinking lately about how I always seemed to behave like a mother of sorts in the relationship. Maybe because I was always more experienced in handling life, travelling, etc, ever since the beginning of our relationship I was always the one who arranged vacations, made the bookings, sorted out the trips, guided him around once we were there, etc. He was more the kind to say 'I want to go on vacation, we never do anything fun' and then completely fail to come up with a destination or a plan until I took charge and handled everything... or until it was too late and we ended up doing nothing. Then of course he whined about how we were doing nothing and kinda blamed me for it.

Same goes for handling the house - bills, papers, housework, food. I arranged everything, took care of everything, then told him what share of the bills to pay. He just showed up after work, asked what was for dinner, spent an hour in the bathroom, two hours playing videogames, and then we always ended up having dinner at 11 pm because he just kept procrastinating.

He just wanted to be alone and do his own childish things in the house, and meet up on his own terms I suppose. He could have just told me he wanted to live alone for longer - I would have understood. After all I did live on my own for years, so I got it out of my system and was ready to settle down.

Lol. My mother made me notice this. Doesn't sound like a good BF, does he? In fact I am wondering now how I could be happy in that situation. I even tried to tell him a few times that I felt neglected, that we spoke more when I was abroad - at least for that hour on skype I had his undivided attention: now he wasn't even taking a few minutes to tell me about his day.

Eventually his games and tv were replaced by being constantly on the phone, which is when I assume he met another woman who he did care to talk to. It burns, because if he'd put half of that effort into me, we would have both been much happier. I don't understand, and it's very hurtful.

Punk music

Journaling...

I'm not sure how many people are active or reading, but it does help me to write down this stuff...

I was thinking about the affair, and getting crushes on people during a relationship. I always thought that was possible; the longer a relationship, the higher the possibility that someday you might get a crush on someone. That's no one's fault. During our 5 years of long distance relationship, the one thing me and Ex always said was that the one thing we had control over was how to handle it. We promised each other that if it happened, we would be honest with each other, and respectful. You can't control love, but you can control how you treat someone.

So I was away from the age of 20 to 25. I had lots of guys flirting with me, even though I never liked any of them because I'm very picky and very much starry-eyed about Ex. But I did have a crush on the one guy.

He was a classmate of mine, and there was just... the spark, you know? When we hang out all together at the pub afterward, playing pool, everyone could tell he liked me. I don't deny the attention felt nice, but I never considered doing anything about it. Over the years, we were just friends, and not even very close at that, because we got along really well.

A few years later, the crush hit full force, I don't know why. I remember this one afternoon - we went for a few pints, chatted, and even though he wasn't nearly as attractive now nor did we see each other very often, my head was just spinning. I remember sitting on the bus going home afterward and my body was just BURNING UP with desire. I was shocked, breathless, I didn't know what was going on or why. I don't remember ever feeling that way before, and the thing is, there was no rational reason for it. Just chemistry, or whatever.

But the thing is - I'm a rational person. And I loved and respected my Ex. And I abhor cheating. So I swallowed it all back down, got on that bus, ranted about it to my flatmate - who by the way suggested I get it out of my system since I was abroad and no one would ever know - stopped calling him and seeing him and I determined to squash it down until it passed.

I knew all along there was no future with him, there was no rhyme or reason for my crush, it was just a momentary thing. I knew that what I had built with my Ex was much too important to throw it away for an irrational surge of passion. And I could never have looked at myself in the mirror if I had cheated. I respected my Ex way too much.

Don't get me wrong, the guy had good qualities, or we wouldn't be friends. In many ways, we had more in common than with my Ex. We were both into arts and literature, both mature, both dealing with fatherless families, both responsible. He chatted a lot about interesting things while with my Ex I often had the impression I was talking by myself because he doesn't talk much, and he's not that much into cultural stuff. He was so thoughtful - once he surprised me out of nowhere with a present: he knew I knitted, so he went to a yarn store, involved all the ladies there and got me some excellent yarn, plus a book I had been wanting to read for years.

My Ex has never done anything like this for me. He's never been so thoughtful. I was absolutely floored.

Anyway, I squashed everything down, and pass it did. Eventually, the next time we met up, I looked at him and saw him for what he was - a good friend, someone I got along with, but wasn't attracted to in the slightest. The tension was gone. It had built up to the breaking point, until the point where I would either have an affair or walk away, and I made the right choice. Now we are just friends, barely talk, he's finally got a girlfriend - we've moved on.

And nowadays, I find myself wondering why I went through all that trouble when my Ex didn't bother doing the same for me - and ran off on an affair with someone he's known for a few weeks and who certainly isn't as 'strong' a competitor as my friend was. I find myself wondering why I chose to stay with someone who wasn't as well matched with me as my friend was, or as thoughtful, or as mature and responsible. I loved him, and I thought he was honest, mature and respectful... which he's just shown me he isn't.

I wonder if I shouldn't have called it quits when I had my moment of weakness, because I made a great effort to stay faithful and got feck all in return. I might as well have scratched that itch, lived those emotions, since Ex clearly didn't care enough to do the same for me. And now he's off enjoying the ride, while I don't know when I'll ever feel those emotions again for anyone.

...I say that, but I know I couldn't have lived with myself if I'd done it. I didn't do it as a favour to my Ex, I did it for my own integrity and principles. Something I thought my Ex shared.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I understand what went through his head... up to a point. But what I don't understand is how he could actually go through with it, and with me right there, not miles away abroad. I couldn't have done it, and I didn't.

It's easy to be faithful when there's no one you like, the point is if you can be faithful when you do get a crush on someone else. For me it was worth it - I understood that a crush didn't mean I didn't love my Ex anymore, so I rode it out. As for him, he probably thinks that being attracted to someone else means it must all be over with me.

Ahh, here's the crux of the matter, the problem YOU need to solve - why DID you settle?

You mentioned being from a fatherless family. In my case, my father died abruptly when I was 14. He had been a loving father, not distant, but that sudden unintentional "abandonment" left me with what I now see as abandonment issues. I developed a pattern of dating unavailable or difficult men, as if succeeding in wooing them would be a way of healing or succeeding over that previous abandonment (all unconscious, of course).

That led to me being in a long marriage with a man that I was always trying to win over or live up to his expectations.

My advice to you would be VERY different if this were a marriage (I know it felt like one, perhaps, but my dear friend, it wasn't.) And there are no children, so my advice completely aligns with KML's, and btw, I reconciled with my h.

If we were to have another "episode" or crisis or whatever the heck it was, I would NOT endure it again. It's a one time deal for me b/c it harms the children far more than you realize...and while forgiveness is mandatory in any successful m, a "repeat offense" is a pattern...

I see no indication that your bf wants to change in any realistic healthy way.

So what you see is what you get. With YOUR situation, I'd never want to have a child with your bf. He's not nearly mature or strong enough to help raise a child.
If having a child is on your "to do" list in life, he's not the one.

I apologize for what I'm about to say but from where I sit, (& I'm in a 30+ year m, and a functioning marriage--work in progress, etc.---)

I say cut your losses. I actually think you may someday believe this guy did you a huge favor, but right now your heart & ego are too wounded to see that. I understand this.

My sister and her xh had a wonderful marriage for awhile, he had some great traits...but he was essentially self centered and mercurial as well. When depressed, it was rarely admitted and always seen as caused by an external factor/person.

He cheated on my sister and she took him back and they went to counseling (the kind that actually helped.) They had a 3rd child and a good few more years, but he cheated again...& wanted a D.

it scarred the kids and broke my sister's heart. But deep down even THEN, I knew he had done her a favor. I just didn't know how long it would take before my sister realized it. Took about 2 years...

And she really didn't realize how lucky she was (though she liked the Decrease in home tension right when he left...) UNTIL she met OM.

She married OM, and her "new" h (11 years now) really gets her. He Loves her personality, her idiosyncrasies, he does not think she is "too heavy", which I think her ex always believed no matter what she weighed...

She told me that "now that [she] knows what it's like to be THE priority, [she'd] "never go back" to what she and her x had...Wow...

It hurt the kids but SHE is way better off than if she'd remained with him. As much as divorce horrifies me, I was just hoping he'd either change (NOT going to happen) or she'd meet someone else, which would Not have happened if he had stayed. She's just not the cheating type so yeah, he did her a favor.

She's happier now than if he'd stayed...and imo, you will be as well. I rarely say this,but that's how I see your situation.

You don't have kids with him. You have no commitment and he's not so "promising" a catch.

Don't bother ruminating too much about WHY he did this. There are no GOOD answers that will satisfy you...trust me on that, it's a huge waste of time and time asking, and life are SHORT.
In short,

Decide what role you played in the demise of the r, IF ANY, and learn from it. Then let that go and move forward...

Make the best of yours and move on...and come here to vent or to "figure out" that, which is not really "figurable..."

Hope this helps. I know it's very painful at the moment...but it does get better.

(( ))

Hopping in for a quick update before I answer your thoughtful comments...

So my mother called him today to arrange for changing the locks at the house. He seemed to have mysteriously forgotten that we've spoken about stuff like furniture etc and said he'd call me to ask. My mother told him not to. Again he was very cold and detached, didn't even ask how I was doing.

What a selfish ass*ole. Selfish, selfish, SELFISH. I know I need to detach, and I've read that this level of self-involvement is normal, but the thought that he doesn't give two craps about me after nine years and promising me forever... it pisses me off SO much. I hope he finds the decency to at least feel guilty and apologize in the future. But I need to not care.

I,

I agree with 25.

You'll notice that you're getting some strong suggestions to walk away from women who have had some seriously long experience with MLC.

Think about what sorta man you want as a father to your children. He sounds like more risk than investment after what I've been through. Don't be the lady who says, "Wow, I wish I had listened and saved my kids this grief."

He's giving you fair warning with some very red flags.


You won't Ital. You really won't. It hurts now, but once you have your life settled and you are with a man who doesn't have these issues, you will only feel gratitude that you didn't settle.