I just read your threads and I will say, you have tenacity. You just keep journaling with very little feedback.
I'm not sure you need alot of feedback as it seems things are moving in a positive direction.
You're impatient for her to change, but we all have that initially. You're actually in a very good position, so try to be patient.
I'm curious about the issue around friends coming to the house and you going places. You write in very general terms about your W's complaints and then drop in suggestions that you didn't like people coming to the house and you don't like to go out. Is that true and if so why? Can you change that and make it stick?
You haven't been at this very long and you both apparently backslid to bring you to this place so bandaid 180s wouldn't be a good thing.
What's up with that?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You said you talked in a constructive manner, what happened? What did you solve? What was put in place?
Well, prior to DBing, we had been arguing about how often she went out and late she was getting back and, even more to the point, that she had started getting pretty bad about letting me know when she would back ([censored] when kids ask when mom is going to be home and all you can say is "I don't know").
Post-DBing, I stopped getting into it with her. Figured even though what I was asking for was fair in a mutually respectful relationship, now wasn't the time to be going over it.
But, as you said, DBing doesn't mean "no boundaries" and I really do feel like she was taking advantage of the fact that I'm a 9-to-5er and she works nights, so when she gets off work it's easy for to go out with her girlfriends while I'm already pretty much settled in for the night.
So, she came home pretty late for the 2nd night in a row, and I could tell she was expecting me to say something and when I didn't she came out and asked me why. So I took it as an opportunity to tell her very calmly, without any anger or attacking or anything, how I felt about the situation. That divorce or not we were still living together and taking care of two kids together, and while I didn't expect her to change her behavior based on my feelings, I still owed it to myself to honor those feelings and express them.
I think the clincher was that I asked her to imagine our roles reversed, and that I was behaving the way she was, and what she thought her girlfriends would say if she complained to them about it. I could almost see the gears turning in her head and the lightbulb go on, and she said "Wow...I never thought about it like that" and then agreed that when I spelled things out the way I did it totally made sense and made her realize that she had been being way unfair.
So, the upshot was she was going to continue to reign things in, and would go back to being good about communicating with me about her plans, etc.
So, that's the waaaaaaay condensed version. Doesn't really give a full picture of the convo, but I don't want to write a novel here (although sometimes I feel like I already have!)
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
I just read your threads and I will say, you have tenacity. You just keep journaling with very little feedback.
LOL, yeah... figured the writing was therapeutic whether I got feedback or not...
Originally Posted By: labug
I'm curious about the issue around friends coming to the house and you going places. You write in very general terms about your W's complaints and then drop in suggestions that you didn't like people coming to the house and you don't like to go out. Is that true and if so why? Can you change that and make it stick?
You haven't been at this very long and you both apparently backslid to bring you to this place so bandaid 180s wouldn't be a good thing.
What's up with that?
More to come regarding this, but I think the short answer is we both had some unaddressed issues (her, codependency; me, self-esteem/depression...maybe some passive-aggressive tendencies in there too). We both decided to start IC to deal with that stuff.
I don't want to be over-confident...or jinx myself, but speaking for myself I've made huge strides regarding going out/having people over, and have really been enjoying both. I don't know...somewhere along the line I forgot how much I enjoy other people's company...and perhaps just as--if not more--important, how much they enjoy mine.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Kind of strange... Heard from an old girlfriend today who is living out of state now. She invited me to come visit her and made it clear her intentions weren't just platonic.
Caused a lot of mixed feelings within me. If I were to go, it would probably mean the end of my marriage for sure. But it sure felt nice to have a woman express those types of feelings toward me. I can't think of any time in my marriage when I've been tempted... But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't now. Part of me feels like W keeps insisting she's done with me, so why not go live a little. The bigger part of me wants to do whatever it takes to save my marriage.
I don't know. Living the way I have been the past couple of months is taking it's toll, that's for sure. All the GAL in the world doesn't change the fact that every night I sleep next to a woman that seems to have no interest in me. That's a hard adjustment.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
Lol, mrcas! You are so right on that. I work in retail and some of our male customers come in thinking friendly and light = open invite.
The thing I find funny, is. My h always accused me of an affair. Um no never in fact it shows how little interest I had in other men, that a police man came in I thought he was new in town, but no been there inxcess of 6-12 months.
Last edited by Ggrass; 05/17/1407:02 AM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I had to laugh when I heard my W say... "I wasn't looking for XXXXX... It just happened..."
Oh? Really? It just happened that he came over to house how many times? You just happened to stop by his place? You know, the place 12 miles away from the house...
No. These are all decisions that the two of them made. Stumps made some decisions here or otherwise the offer never would have came. This offer didn't just happen.
You know what good comes from looking up old love interests on any social media sites? NONE. Especially for people that are in emotionally charged situations like the ones we face. Why add the distractions? We have enough stuff to do...
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
Mine accidentally went on a drive packed the car with camping gear and camped not 10min from her house! Over 200km and 2 1/4 hours one way, completely random.
yeah, completely Radom. Sure right.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
yeah, completely Radom. Sure right.