Unfortunately, people think what they think. This is a tough pill to swallow-just accept that your h lies. Don't believe a word he says. If you are pleasantly surprised with the truth consider it an anomaly. My h was the most honest man I had ever met. Now? My kids are afraid that I don't know he is lying so they try to protect me. I tell them that's not their job to protect me. I got it.
Hang on there. You can do this
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I've been thinking about you and your sitch. I know how hurtful the affair is.
The ow in my case was a good friend of mine. She used everything she knew about him, me, and our marriage against me. It hurt so much to be betrayed by two people I trusted.
We also all work for the same employer. So, there were times their A was flaunted in my face. Not fun.
A few things...
The whole "friends" line is total script, and you better believe your h is going to stick to it. They become very protective of their "friend" when the affair is shiny and new. The blinders are on, and your h isn't going to see any of OW's faults anytime soon.
From my own personal sitch and everything I have read here and other places, ow tend to be very messed up individuals. I recommend you do a internet search for "affairing down" / there is a lot of good info out there.
While my xf used her knowledge of me against me, she didn't think about it going both ways. I know how she really is (insecure, needy, miserable, terrible at making decisions, negative, judgemental, and a drama queen to name a few - lol!) I felt that if I gave it enough time, her fake facade of being so wonderful would crumble.
And it is. But it took YEARS, and h is still wrapped up in her drama.
You said you feel like you are chasing around in circles. Time to make yourself stop.
Don't be too hard on yourself about detaching, it does take time. Think of it this way - you can still care about your h, but remove yourself from his craziness. Don't be waiting for this sudden feeling of not caring about him anymore to take hold of you, and think that you are detached. He is your h, and even though his behavior is less than lovable now, you still love him and care for him. It's okay.
If he's truly MLC, he's not himself right now. Keep remembering that...
That's not to say he is excused for his hurtful behavior. He's not. He's choosing to act the way he is, and believe me, there will be short and long term consequences from it. Not your problem though.
What are your plans for the weekend?
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Thanks for the response. H is now lying 90% of the time, even about dumb things. I don't know if he is so caught up or thinks I am stupid, but the lies are bad. Even my young child has caught him in some, and called him on it.
Take - holy crap, talk about a double whammy. I am so sorry. Your H is an idiot! Looking up "affairing down" sounds interesting just from the name of it. I will have to look it up. How long has your H been with OW? I am stronger than I was 6 months ago, but it is hard with him in the house. Not sure if that is better or to have him out. At least this way things are still somewhat normal for the kids.
I am not sure of the plans for the weekend, it is weather pending, If it is nice we will ride bikes and maybe go to a park. I am sure that I will get to plan my whole Mother's day as I doubt H has done one single thing for me. I will probably take the kids all day and go play - and he can go f**k himself for the day. ha ha!
Read as much as you can, it does help. Also search "why affairs end", very enlightening. But again, it takes a long time to come full circle.
As far as I know, h has been involved with ow in one way or another for about 2 1/2 years.
Accept that he is going to lie - thus, the believe nothing that they say. They are immature, selfish teenagers right now. You aren't going to be able to reason with him.
Hope you are doing well
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Sorry that I have not been on in awhile. Mothers day was just like previous holidays. H took kids to buy me things, but nothing from him. It was not bad as that was what I was expecting. Kids made the day wonderful. I planned things for me and kids coarse H invited himself along. UGH!
I have been working hard on detaching and GAL (been hanging out with shaggy, velma, fred, daphne..LOL.) Today I feel like I could see to H "I love you, but am not in love with you and I still care." This does not mean that I will feel that later or tomorrow or next week. It is just how I feel now. I am also getting more rest and have better medications.
H has been awful with monstering. H does not monster in front of friends, family or kids. So I have someone here when we are together without kids. I am thinking seriously about divorcing H. If you would have told me that a month ago, I would have said you are freaking nuts. I can't have my kids watching his coldness towards me and the occasional remarks are rude. I think he has always verbally abused me to some extent. I am still standing though. H might beat me to the punch. He keeps threatening he is going to take sole custody - my lawyer said impossible.
H tells me multiple times a day "Once my situation is done, I am divorcing you." Ummmmm - I did not hear you the first million times! Jerk! H still lives in the house and says "I am not moving, and I know my rights you can't kick me out of the house." What a joy to live with this. H has finally moved toothbrush to other bedroom, and is doing his own laundry.
H is very deep into OW. OW has been married FIVE times and is in her own MLC - and has a lot of guys standing for her. Wonder why she is so special? I am thinking H is serious enough to dump me and marry her. He would be in trouble at work for dating her, espicially since he has made a big stink and denied it.
At this point I have not made my final decision. I need to get some things in place before I file, if I file. I could stay married and stand for a million years. But my kids are too young and learning bad habits. The youngest even tells H when he is lying - his face is priceless, but yet he says nothing and does not stop they lying. I am sure H is up to something today - probably filing. H called my FIL - which means something is big up. my FIL called looking for H. FIL is starting to get what is going on - that H is messed up. He does not understand Hs decisions. I did not tell FIL I am thinking of filing, but made it clear this was not right, and I don't know how much more I have in me. FIL told me to file 5 months ago.
Sorry for the late response. I will check more often the site. Hope everyone is well.
Do whatever is in YOUR best interests. It may be better to file now while he still has a job. Or it may be better to start stockpiling some secret stash of money. At least see an attorney and find out what your options are.
If you are close to ten years of marriage, drag things out to ten years so you can collect social security later on his earnings if need be.
I can't help but think that sitting around waiting on HIM to decide to file puts you at a disadvantage. Taking the bull by the horns and showing him you won't tolerate this disrespect will probably cause him to whine but also puts him on notice that he can't have it both ways.
I have seen a lawyer. I may be losing my job too, another company is taking over and picking people off left and right. The lawyer said that if I was not working, I could get more custody. I also am waiting until family moves here to take care of the kids. There are a few hours I will need help with before school.
I have finally gotten to the stage where I am mad at H. The disrespect is nonsense. H has said kids are in his life, but I am not....RIGHT!! Who is your sitter when you are out in the middle of the night with OW (oh no - you claim you are only friends.)
I finally feel stronger. H keeps asking me if I mad. I don't respond bc there is no winning answer. I figure by him asking that he just wants to fight.
FIL has multiple marriages bc of it H does not know how to be married and happy. I am shocked though that FIL was noticing issues with H. FIL is usually in denial when it comes to his family.
I am done with the I am going to divorce you several times a day. It has said so much I have no response - it is like blah blah blah. I wonder if he thinks I did not hear him first million times?
I don't care anymore if he gets in trouble at work or loses his job. At some point he has to get in trouble for the awful things he has done at work. Right now he thinks he is not at fault, and they are just picking on him. I have realized that I cannot rely on him anymore. I have family that is willing to help me through the hump.
Glad I am feeling better. But I am sad for my kids. They have no idea about us. They have noticed that H has changed though.
Scooby, I've been following you here and on the other forum and your h sounds like a real MLC winner. He's not going to play the monster role around others, but he will do so when he's alone w/you. Why? Because they always hurt the ones that are the closest to them because they feel "safe" in doing so. When the monster comes out to play and he's spewing, walk away, go to another room or take the children for a walk. You do not need to be his punching bag on any level.
Now, about the comments he continues to make about divorcing you. That is his mantra. He needs to say this many times over because he's got to convince you, himself and anyone else that may be listening. Many of them are like tape recorders and continue to hit play, rewind, and play again. Try to ignore his mantra. Eventually when he sees it's not getting to you, he just might stop it.
Your family will be there to help and support you. Don't be afraid to lean on them when you need help. You have friends who are willing to help in any way they can...all you have to do is ask.
It's a long, hard journey, but I think more so when they are living under the same roof w/the spouse. You don't have the opportunity to truly get away from their acting out as much as those who are gone. Hang in there. You've been getting great advice/support from both forums.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
