Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Don't know what to think

To continue my grocery store encounter with my H, after we said our good byes near the eggs, we both went on to finish our shopping. When I got to the check out area, there he was in line so I waved - he waved back. But I recognized the woman with her young child behind him in line. This woman is also going through a rather rough divorce, so I went over and spoke with her for a minute. H could probably hear every word, so it was rather awkward when she says to me, "Boy, we've both had a rather rough year, huh." I kind of rolled my eyes and said, "Oh ya." Funny thing, I think she had been talking to my H while in line but didn't connect the two of us when I came up to talk with her. She has seen us together on several occasions in the past. Anyway, I got in the line next to them, got my stuff paid for and out I went. Didn't even turn to wave goodbye to H. Was that rude?

Talked with a friend tonight (she actually performed our marriage ceremony and knows my H very well)and she was expressing concern that H is hurting me and disrespecting me by not getting the divorce proceedings started. She thinks I should talk to him and tell him to either ___ or get off the pot since he's the one who wants this.

It is a little puzzling why he hasn't made the move yet. I think one of four things is behind this: 1. He doesn't want to start this over the holidays 2. He's waiting until he feels settled 3. He's hoping I will start it so he doesn't have to 4. He's not sure about it

I told my friend that while it is painful at times (I had a bad morning), he is giving me the gift of time to work on myself and that no matter which way it goes I will be fine. Besides I am not going to do his dirty work for him. I still love him, darn it, but if he wants a D, he'll have to start it.

I'm not totally conviniced this is really what he wants. I don't think he even knows what he wants. I could be totally off base, but such is the situation. I'm just staying quiet (dim/dark?), giving him time and space. Time will tell.

Journaling:

Had a rather down week last week. Have cried every day since about Tuesday. I feel very low, hurt, confused, lonely and unable to rally.

On my drive home from work on Friday I was listening to a book on tape, Daring Greatly by Brene' Brown, and she was talking about how having a spouse cheat on you is easier to deal with than the emotional detachment that happens when your spouse leaves you. I was sobbing - I had to pull over so I didn't get in an accident.

I know a lot of this stems from feeling like I've lost so much in this whole thing - since I didn't have a choice in all this. How can he just walk away like this? Is he feeling any pain to this degree? He'll never see or know what I've been going through although at times I wish he could. But I also know I can't make him love me if he can't. I'm starting to cry writing this so I guess I better quit.

Feelin' pretty down tonight. Like I have no more fight or hope in me. IC told me a couple of weeks ago that in some situations one of the two spouses crosses over that line where there is no turning back. They are done and gone.

I feel like that's where my H is and it hurts so bad. His comment a few weeks ago about how he would like to be able to do things together as friends just cuts me to the bone. At this point in time the thought of that being our future together is seemingly impossible.

I almost feel as bad as the day he left.

Better look at Sandi's list tomorow.

Well, I have been posting since September and I'm still not off moderation. Is it something I said??? Seems I see others who have only been on here for a month and they appear to be off moderation.

Gettin' a little frustrated ....

I'm done posting. I will continue to read at times, but I just have to go,.

Seems like you should be off moderation now.

Looks like this post shjowed right up

Sorry that is happening, yhe only thing about moderation is to keep posting until you get off,

On a bright side all 21 of your posts are now on the site.

Yea I agree that the moderators dropped the ball on your posts, so I can understand if you want to leave the site to try to find someplace that can give you more support.

I would suggest you keep posting and you will start having more people respond to your thread.

Post to others too.

Thank you, Cadet. I apologize for getting impatient - I'm just feeling a little out of sorts right now and was beginning to feel like a voice in the wilderness.

I haven't seen or spoken to my H in two weeks, not that he would have any reason to call me. Also I think with the impending holidays I, and I'm sure I speak for many others, am feeling very anxious. Used to have great fun with his family - they are/were about the only family I have. Not looking forward to any of this especially knowing he will be up there with everyone having a great time.

Sorry - having a little pity party.

Again, thank you for answering and I appreciate your guidance. BTW, I have been posting a little to others in the form of support, but I don't feel comfortable giving advice since I'm not doing so well on my end.

This limbo the MLCer/WAS puts their spouses in is just cruel.

Hey T

Just wanted to let you now that i'm reading your thread.

You are right, this does feel like cruelty... but in my more philosophical/evolved moments, I can see that mlcers aren't doing this to hurt us. They can't possibly help what they are doing - I know, like you, that my H ( the man I married and had kids with) would not have done these things to his family.

However, he is not that man any more - and may never be again.

It's our choice to stand for our marriages, but we have to do it in the knowledge that this crisis takes a very long time to come out of - we are talking years.

My experience is that you can eventually feel better on a day-to-day basis. The pain is still there, but life can be good again.

The more you can push yourself to get out and meet new people/try new things, the better you will feel - at least in the longer term.

Please believe that you will feel better - and that the terrible downs you are experiencing are something that we have all been through in this life-changing process.

Best, NLW