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And: I am thankful that my H paid me a compliment. That is a positive. And I am thankful he spent some time with the kids. Him making supper was nice, too. I am glad that he offers some maintenance support with the house.

Question: Any thoughts/theories why he wants me to involve him in caring for the home/rentals/etc so much? He always tells me to call/text him if we need anything and when he gets to the house and things have been left broken he approaches me with disbelief/frustration that I didn't tell him.

I feel like he wants to help out to settle his feelings of guilt. As long as he fixes stuff by day, he can do whatever he wants guilt free by night. Is this just total pessimism?

Hi BG,

Dinner and compliments are awesome indeed! Is your husband's LL acts of service? I don't know if I fully agree that it is guilt. It may help your h knowing that he is helping you, and I do understand the pessimism. Regardless of what he has said or done, he does care deep down inside what happens to you. And the reality is he can really do whatever he wants no matter what time of the time of day, right? Can't net him and make him stay. My h does nothing so that would insinuate he has no guilt. My kids have asked him to hook up a tv for 3 weeks now and it is still in a box. Openly discusses that he "quit his responsibilities." Yet, he breaks down daily and says he is in a bad place. (note to self-stop hijacking! I'm sorry:)
I say let him do it. Just view it as a nicety with not expectations attached. Actually, I say enjoy the help.

This is total mind reading. Why does it matter why he is asking for help? Why not just respond to his requests for help and just see what happens?

GB-I am totally ok with the hijacking-I love to compare notes. And you're right, I'm sure deep down, he does care.

Unbidden-Um, yea. I'm totally mindreading. I like the direction to just see what happens.

Thanks!

Blues,

I can get how frustrating this must be for you in watching the paint dry at MLC Museum!

Question: Any thoughts/theories why he wants me to involve him in caring for the home/rentals/etc so much? He always tells me to call/text him if we need anything and when he gets to the house and things have been left broken he approaches me with disbelief/frustration that I didn't tell him.

I feel like he wants to help out to settle his feelings of guilt. As long as he fixes stuff by day, he can do whatever he wants guilt free by night. Is this just total pessimism?

I do not think it has to do with guilt feelings per se. It is more to do with non-pressure from you. The biggest thing for MLCer is feeling pressure and they need to get the f*ck outta there. Your H sees you as the lighthouse and a source of comfort to you. Those feelings are buried deep inside him. The MLCer likes to have this feeling that you're "still there" which is why we often look up and look in your direction just to make sure you're still around.

A better approach would be to treat him as a housemate. Back when I was in college, I shared a townhouse with 3 to 4 other housemates. They all came and went in all sorts of hours. I didn't worry about them. I lived my life. When we were all together on the very rare occasion on a Sunday, we'd all sit down and chat with each other. Does this example help a bit, Blues, in the detachment part for you?

If you would remember from Raine's threads, she went on with her life and did not apply pressure on to her H. Sure, she slipped up from time to time. But now look at her! Very nice reconciliation and piecing now.

Wonka's housemate story is a nice analogy:)

(Hanging my head) Yeees. It makes sense. And I know this. It's just hard to practice. Because when he's nice, it feels like old H that I loved. So, if I'm going to entertain his help and see where it goes and keep my PMA and GAL and blah blah, I have to find a new level of detachment so that I don't feel so sad and heartbroken when he doesn't profess his love to me

I am not sure what your H's motivation is, but I figured I should share what my H told me regarding his offers to help around the house. My H does the same thing. He has directly told me that he knows that I am the primary caregiver and have full responsibility for the house. He said that it makes him feel better to be able to help me out with things that he can actually help with and fix considering our sitch (i.e. not the pain that he continues to cause with his A). So there is some level of guilt, at least with my H.

I have chosen to not ask my H for help. I don't call him and ask. However, I also don't stop him from fixing something if he is already at the house. I make sure to thank him if he does do something.

When my H does things around the house, I try to view him as a handyman that I have hired for help (without having to pay). It helps to keep me detached

BG,

I just caught up on your entire thread. Yeesh. We do have similarities. My h suffers from clinical depression and anxiety and has been on meds for 6 years. However, he is still extremely depressed, anxious, angry, and behaving like a teenager. Meeting new friends under the age of 26 on Snapchat and Twitter. Says he is empty, broken, always loved me more than him, I was never committed (as he left), and all will be well if someone just loved him. Darn! I hijacked again. Actually, I was just comparing notes:)

I think it is great that your h offers to do anything. Seriously, my his in la la land. The only thing he is finally able to do is work and I believe he is able to compartmentalize that. I only point some of this out as the medication I believe helps them function. However, it doesn't make them address their issues. As I have been told so many times, I just have to let h walk his own journey. As a matter of fact, h even said that once too. He just "had" to do this and didn't know why. He wants to hook up with chicks and not feel guilty-that's why.

Seriously, I'm jealous that you guys have hs that help out. I think that is awesome. Anyway, I just wanted to say you are doing really well and enjoy the pleasantries.

GB- If it makes you feel any better, my H completely checked out for over a year. He literally did nothing around the house - did not do the lawn, change a light bulb, nothing. Forget out cooking or cleaning.

A few months after my H moved out (and going on two years of him being MIA), we were doing something as a family and then I went out with the kids for the evening. H was supposed to head out separately that night as well but evidentially he stuck around the house for bit. When I came home, the entire house was cleaned. I actually thought to myself, did someone break in and clean instead of steal everything? He made the kids beds, but away laundry. In 15 years, he never did that. I was shocked.

There is still hope for your H!

Blues - Sorry to hijack!