Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Still trying to save my family - part 11

Not necessary, any atempt of talking with her now will be seeing in her eyes as you dont believing in your decission of filling but trying to manipulate her.

If she changes her mind about D she will let you know, now just be proud of what you did because the way things are, this was a necessary step to recover yourself and recover your kids.

No.

What exactly would you be trying to accomplish?

I'd thought that maybe we could try to come to an agreement on our own. I'm sure she wouldn't be willing to talk at this point. If she wants to, she can come to me.

If she wants fish, she will get her ass wet

Dont worry about it.

Also, Scorp, you don't want to show weakness so early in the litigation. As far as you're concerned, you believe that you are going to win in court and get appropriate custody of your children. You have no NEED to talk to her about these issues as you are now in the driver's seat. If she wants to talk, she can come to you. You can be cordial and friendly if you ever see her though.

Scorp,

This is the 7th time (or pretty close to that number) you've brought up the question if you should talk to your W. It seems to me that you are anxious about the possibility of having W viewing you in a negative light after being served and wanting to "talk" sense into her on the D path. Trying to reason with her and hoping she'll see the "light" on her choices.

Am I pretty close in reading you here?

Advice?

Sit on that discomfort sofa in our St. Elmo's Fire bar and work through your feelings on this. Bets aka Underdog and I have plenty of sofas to choose from. Just to let you know...the yellow one is Bets...so might want to avoid upsetting her.

You need to really leave no stone unturned while sitting on the discomfort sofa and examine why you feel this periodical (or constant) urge to talk with W. Dig deep. The answers are all within you.

Posted by AKHope

Hi Scorp-

Nice post!

You are starting to have the perspective shift that makes you stronger. The emotional shock (and depression) is wearing off and you are beginning to see clearly.

I found that when you have detached from the emotional bond and seeing everything she does or says as pointed at you; looking for a hidden meaning; mind reading; etc, your life shifts from ACTING rather than REACTING. And this is also when the GAL'ing starts to feel normal and deserved.

For example, and I've said this out loud to my daughter when she was as young as 3, (because she has also lamented the fact she goes back and forth weekly)"Yes, it would be nice if we all lived together but this way you have two houses; two sets of toys; two groups of friends, two birthday parties, two Christmas mornings. And that's pretty cool, eh?"

Only when you are looking after YOUR best interests (hobbies, friendships, work, YOUR LIFE!!) can you be fully present and happy when you have your kids with you. And you and I both know that when you were married, you didn't focus on your kids like you do now. Right?

I've never thought of this analogy before but consider this experience as your "first heart attack". Consider yourself lucky in that some people don't get a 'warning shot' and that you now have the opportunity and the perspective to prioritize what IS important (and that starts with taking care of YOU) and that now is the time to learn how NOT to have another heart attack.

Make sense?



Bumping this up ^^^^

Mods...once again...

PLEASE re-evaluate AK's posting status ???????

Wonka, I think I want to talk to her because I don't want to lose her without ever having even talked to her. I've changed profoundly and I'd like for her to know who she's leaving behind now, the person I've become, rather than the guy I was.

Thanks Mach, AK. I have started to see this whole thing as a chance to finally be the person I was always meant to be. I carried around a lot of baggage my whole life and only now through this situation have I let it go. I don't think I'd be the person I am not without the 'warning shot'.

Now, back to what Wonka was saying, I don't want to read too much into it, last night on my call with my kids my wife actually talked to me! She sounded like her old self. It started with me talking about the old Mickey Mouse cartoon that my wife and the kids were watching and the next thing I know my wife and I are reminiscing about when our oldest first watched the cartoon and loved it so much. This went on for at least 25 minutes. It was almost like old times again and my kids LOVED that my wife and I were talking with them. Also, I mentioned that it was my Dad's birthday yesterday and my wife suggested that she's have the kids call him which we both agreed would make his day. Very nice of her to do and it did make my Dad's day. I stuck with the DB principle of ending the contact first so I said I should let them all get back to their night together and ended the call, even though I wanted to stay talking with her for the rest of the night.

Anyway, I know it was only one call but not only did she talk to me for the first time in 6 months, she sounded and acted like the woman I've always known and loved. It felt so good to talk to her again like that.

Gabby, I agree, I couldn't TELL her how I've changed. I was more meaning that if we talked, hung out, she would start to know the new me without me ever actually saying I'd changed.

You might be right about her reasons for finally talking to me like she did. Our kids LOVED it so I would hope that she wouldn't be playing games with them. At this point I would be very happy if she and I could just be friendly for the sake of our kids. As good as it felt I'm not letting my guard down or getting my hopes up.