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Help me out here folks. I'm starting to chicken out on 'the talk' with Gabe after the cruise. Why? Well....graduation is coming in May and Marc leaves for boot camp in August so his graduation from that will be in October. It's all of these things I don't want to ruin by making him run for the hills.

Scaredy cat is back!

You are a woman that deserves to know where she stands in this relationship. You have great advice and kind words for everyone but yourself. You are a catch and deserve to be treated as such.

This has been a thorn in your side for two years! You will be having this discussion. You need to have some closure here one way or another. This is a new chapter regardless and you need to get it started out right!

Have faith! Love ya, kat

(((((mishka)))))
If he "runs for the hills" (which I doubt)....

Would you have MADE him? I don't think so. He would have chosen to.

Would YOU have ruined anything? NO! If anything was ruined, and I rather expect that would not be the result in any case) it would be totally wrong to come to the conclusion that you ruined it.

EXACTLY what the others said. Because I've been thinking this for a long, long time. There will never be a good time. There is always a reason to postpone this discussion. You are afraid of your future. But the future will happen just the same.

I know many people who are terrifed of "Empty Nest" syndrome. Afraid that they have to really take a serious look at their lives, their partners and take those rose coloured glasses off.

I lived like that for years. Afraid of confrontation when things were going wrong with my ex. Eggshell walking. What if I did this? What if I said that? I avoided it all to "Keep the Peace". Do what did it get? it fell apart anyway.

You deserve the life you really want and it's time to get that. It would be wonderful if Gabe stepped up to the plate and made a commitment to you. But even if he doesn't - it doesn't mean he's leaving - unless that's what you decide you want. But you DO need to talk. You need to both know where you stand. Maybe he can't commit. Maybe that's good enough. Or not. Only you know that.

But this is 2014. Make this YOUR year. Marc will love you both. He certainly has known what has been going on (for the most part) so it won't come as a great shock if there are changes.

DO what's best for you and know that we are here for you.

Barb

What is "the talk"?

Try not to "get'' anything out of him or interrogate him.

Just state your feelings, your needs, and your requests...

Gabe, I feel insecure in our relationship and I need a loving partnership in which I feel safe. I would like that to be with you. Are you willing to work on having a stronger relationship?

That's exactly it OT. I just want to state my needs. I don't expect anything from him other than an agreement to work toward a more committed, stronger relationship. Whatever comes of that comes of that.

The fear comes from where stating my needs has gone to in the past. Even though I make sure to only make statements and not place any pressures on him he takes it somehow as 'you aren't doing enough for me and I need more' and shuts down or runs. I haven't had any kind of discussion with him about this in 3 years because of it. This March will be 4 years since he came back and I feel very stuck.

Sorry, I meant to hit preview, not submit....

The other fear in my heart is that I will tell him that I need some input from him rather than just following along with whatever I want and that is going to lead to him asking me more questions. I know he will want to know specifically what I want. Am I supposed to tell him? What am I supposed to tell him? What can I tell him without scaring him??????

Honestly, I have thought a long time about this. I want to fully put our marriage back together. I know, I know.....why would I want to legally attach myself again? Why risk that? It's not the legality of it that is important to me, it's they symbolic attachment. My beliefs make that an integral part of my spirit. Having the relationship we have without the spiritual blessing actually is beginning to hurt my soul.

There, I said it. Good Lord, I said it.

Go ahead....let me have for being stupid.

Then tell him just that Mish. There is no point in living in constant fear. You are at the point where you can't ignore yourself anymore. You are not stupid, just afraid.. We all have fears hon, but it shouldn't prevent you from living the life you have ever right to have.

kat

I CAN'T!!!! Maybe liquid courage is required.......I have a couple of months before my self-imposed deadline.....

Writing a note, email, and texting work. You could even journal to each other.

There is no reason that you need to be armed with answers. What you want is a committed partnership. The first step is to identify and hear each other's needs.

Focus on being authentic to yourself.

Did you ever call into a co-dep group?