Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Mondays for days ...

Sorry. I don't mean to be a buzz-kill, and of course I COULD be entirely WRONG, but my instincts are usually pretty good, and regardless I think your over-analysis of HIM is getting you off where your focus needs to be right now, Train.

Considering my marriage essentially became a joke in God's eyes in 2005 ... and again when H dipped his you-know-what in OW a couple months ago ... I'm not sure I'll find a big problem with it from a moral standpoint. But I'd be afraid it would introduce MORE problems if H and I ever decide to work on our M. But if he completely moves on in the next year, I don't know that I'd be willing to sit and wait.



The part that is appealing about that idea is that if they come back open to conditions, then maybe ... just maybe ...

No apologies necessary. You're spot-on. Again.

I'm just LOOKING for ANY signs he's still invested ... or any HOPE that maybe this isn't a "done deal" in his mind.

Maybe this will explain the dynamic better, Train:


great movie scene that explains "push/pull"

Mmmmhmmm. That's depressing.

So by the time your W came back to you, Starsky, had you "forgotten" about her though?

I've gone back and read through some of your sitch. But that's A LOT of posts!

Anddddddd I just heard from L. He's speaking with H at 2 today.

I had decided we were DONE before I agreed for us to date others. She had pushed for that throughout our separation, and it had always been a dealbreaker for me, just morally. But once I had to file for divorce, and it looked like she wasn't going to end her affair and come back and try to work on the marriage, we separated into two homes and I decided to see someone socially from work. That was all it took to begin the re-attraction -- BAMMO! -- and we began slogging our way back thru several fits and starts.

Everyone has their own personal beliefs on this, and it's probably NOT DB'ing. I was only open to it because:

1. I had filed for divorce;

2. We had separated;

3. I TOLD her I was going to do it; and

4. She AGREED.


Had all four of those not been present, I doubt I personally would have done it.

And yeah . . . I did post a lot. And that was just as PUPPY DOG TAILS. I have another whole archive as Chocolateeyes, too, lol.

The key dates in my sitch are May - Aug 2007, if that helps you narrow it down. That was when my wife had her affair, and I filed for D, and all that awful rot.


Starsky

Train,

To answer your question, I think it's because cheaters are the ultimate in selfish. Everything becomes about them. It's THEIR happiness that they're concerned about, no one else's. They revel in the attention! The OW wants them desperately, the STBX wants them- everyone wants THEM! They feel empowered, in control. If you suddenly pull away, then a big part of what's feeding their ego gets pulled back with you. That's why sometimes a wayward will pursue a bit, to make sure they get you chasing again.

Additionally, you are a backup plan if things don't work with the OW. If you are acting like you won't be there, it's uncomfortable for him. He's left thinking that he might find himself stranded with nobody in his life.

My 2 cents
HS

Starsky, I feel like everything is happening so stinking fast. I was celebrating my 10th wedding anniversary with a man I called my best friend 2 months ago. Now, we're finalizing a S agreement. I mean, once all that's complete, then I guess I'll have nothing BUT time to sort through the rest of this muck. But when will I feel confident enough to say, "I'm done"? I suppose only time will tell.

But both you guys - you and HS - continue to give me reasons to keep pulling away from him. H makes that easy most days. I mean, I haven't chased him much. But he knows I'm here. If that makes sense.

And I guess it would be pointless for me to ask him how he feels about dating during our S ... considering he was ALREADY dating WHILE we were married ... sheesh.

A friend called me a little while ago; a girl we went to high school with works at the grocery store with OW. Apparently OW is now outwardly telling people that "H left Train for me." Our high school friend called my friend to confirm. She said OW's issues are "disrupting work."

***sigh***

At the end of the day, nothing I do - or don't do - is going to hurry this process as quickly as I wish it would move. Time is the ultimate healer. And I've just got to brace myself for a lot of changes, challenges and lonely nights as I slug my way through. There's no magic bullet. No time machine.

Ok, guys. H is LASHING OUT.

I haven't even heard from L. H just texted me: "GD!!!! I thought L was going to help us both out ... not the case ... thanks a lot." He has sent 2 texts since, going ape-sh!t. The last one said: "Those numbers you guys came up with are ridiculous. I might as well f---ing die."

I'm not responding. But ... really?

Really??

REALLY?!??????

"Thanks a lot"?

What did he think this would be? A freaking walk in the park??? He gets to cheat, leave me for OW and - what? - call all the shots when it comes to a financial future for the kids and me????

Does he think anybody is going to look favorably on him??? That he could just wipe his hands of me and be done? That marriage is just something that he could end by sleeping with another girl?!?

Talk me down here, folks. I'm not going to respond. But what IS this?!???