Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers afraid I have waited too long #3

How should I handle the fact that my W retained a L?

Should I let her approach me with information or since I see the bank accounts and know she wrote the check from one the account should I bring it up?

If I do bring it up what could I say?

"I saw you retained a L I'm sorry you felt that you needed to do that but I understand you are just doing what you think you need to for yourself."

Should I ask her what she feels will resolve this in the easiest manner?

She knows I may want to buy her out of the house and she says she no problem with that but I am sure what I offer will not a figure she will be happy with.

I also have started cleaning up outside and getting ready to do some flower planting and outdoor fixing up.

She insists that she cuts the grass, I have no issue with this except when I go near the shed I get questioned if I am cutting the grass, when I say no and ask her why she says cause she did it all last year and will do it again I agreed.

Then I asked her to show what some plants look like so I don't ruin them when I put my flowers in and she gets upset and says why bother?, I said cause I want to plant flowers and didn't want to mess up yours.

Then yesterday she cut the grass. I thanked her and said it looks great and asked about a digging tool and she said she hadn't seen it but why do I need it. I said I am digging out stump from the tree she had cut down last year

Without looking up she says Wow! I knew this was directed at me because the last 5 days I have been out in the yard doing things when she comes home and she is surprised and I think mad I am fixing up.

Any thoughts would be appreciated

It seems as though my W has gone into a shell somewhat.

Mutual friends have tried to engage her with communications but she does not answer calls or texts from them.

As far as I know they are just trying to keep up a friendship with her like they are with me. They are not contacting her to try to fix this.

When they tell me these things I just say maybe she feels that we can't all be friends I guess.

Then on the computer I find searches about loneliness and related topics so I start to feel sorry for her even though I know that she has chosen it to be this way and could very easily turn it around if she was inclined to do so.

I don't expect for W to tell me these friends contacted her but must know that I know because I hang out with these friends once or twice a week.

She says it hurt her feelings the other day when My Nephew called for me and didn't talk to W at all but texted her a minute later and said sorry to bother I was looking for my Uncle and I got him Thanks.

She can make contact with all these people and they tell me they wont judge her if she does. When they contact her while looking for me and she get upset they don't warmly talk to her it is her own fault if she chooses not contact them and they react in the same way.

If she ever reached out to my family they would still treat her like family if she was in need or trouble because that is the way we are but if W feels that they should make the first move then it will be getting even more lonely then it is now. Again, this all her choosing so it is what it is. All I can do is validate her feelings. I cant and wont ask anybody to talk to her because she is feeling down.

How do I keep from feeling sorry for her when things like this come about. I would love to shut it all out but I am not that type of man. If I were this M would have ended the day she asked for a S.

I try to think of my WAW as a mentally ill addict. Now that sounds really bad but it allows me a couple of things. Addicts or even just people you love, sometimes they just won't listen. Even if you are 100% sure about something, have vast amounts of experience concerning what they are doing, and the consequences of getting it wrong are huge, sometimes they just won't listen.

And, learning that, that I can't control someone in addition to their inability to listen to 'reason', you just have to let them do their thing and possibly suffer the results.

I have two older children and two pretty young children. I have also been in AA for over 18 years. I can listen to my older kids as I can also listen to people trying to get sober. Sometimes they just have the stupidest ideas about how to do something or what the results will be (of course, I should admit, sometimes my judgment is the one that is off).

I have learned....and I often forget for awhile....that I just have to let them stew in the nasty results of their actions. It grants me freedom. Freedom from the sense of responsibility. It still hurts...but I don't feel guilty.

Well my WAW served me with papers personally in our home yesterday.

I went from validating to asking if she was going to M her trainer to asking her to speak to a DB coach(which she said she would consider).

She cried a bit said she hated the language in the complaint but couldn't do anything about it. Wants to work on things as team to save money but in the complaint is asking that I pay all fees because she has no income.


Still wants to be involved with my family just not me all the things WAW say.

This morning I asked for her word that she would not take anymore money out of a joint account from where she paid her L.

I didn't hear back so I went and got a separate account and transferred that money into my account that now she has no access to. The bank said it was legal and smart since she has shown and probably been told by her L to do the same thing.

I got her off all credit cards.

The one thing I told her last night was what is about to happen is strictly me protecting myself(referring to money transactions among other things) and has no bearing on my feelings for her but we both need to protect ourselves and I understand and know that it only business with no emotions involved.

Easier said than done especially because she now has access to only money in her account and Im sure will be seething mad but if she didn't see it coming I cant help that.

She has only said things to get her way and I guess what I was telling her is "no more Mr nice guy"

I might be crazy but I still love her and want things to work out.

My IMC says she is manipulating me and my W says I am trying to come at her and screw with her mind when all I am really doing is asking clarifying questions and asking her to do things now that will move the process forward but all the sudden she says I will do whatever my L says and only do these after we are D so if I think it is going to be quick than it is not. W is the one who wants out not me.


Confused by that last statement and need some guidance on what to do next.

About the A, all I asked was for the truth because some rumors had made their back to me and I told the person who told me unless and until my W tells me different that is all they are is rumors.

An A is not a dealbreaker for me and I don't know if I should have said anything but I gave enough information that made her somewhat uncomfortable. I was going to let her tell me if she wanted to I did not accuse but merely without divulving my sources told her that she had been seen in a bad situation with this person and what does his girlfriend and kids know about it.

She asked me how I knew some info and I said well you did his taxes on my computer because when I looked for ours his was right there so it is kinda of public at that point.

It is almost like she wanted me to find out and fly off the handle to justify her leaving but I didn't and she actually thanked me for a calm conversation.

The final two conversations of the night is where she started to get upset and I validated and empathized and left her alone to think about questions and comments I had made.

When I do something to protect myself financially that will surely upset my W what is the DB way to handle it.

It is something that I believe her L would advise her to do but if I do it will be perceived as ruthless.

I know I need to do these things to protect myself but I still feel dirty doing it. but based on the D complaint she is really being told to ask for the moon which I guess is normal.

Thanks tough for the thoughts.

That is an issue for me letting them stew in their results. I realize I can't control what my WAW does or feels but I have a hard time not feeling sorry for her.

I try not to help her out so much but allow her to do what she thinks is right for her. If it works out great but if it doesn't that stinks and I validate and empathize.

When I walk away though I go back to feeling sorry for her. Why can't I just say ha ha and laugh it off?

Well my W found out I got a separate account and put most of the money from one account into it to protect our interests.

On Monday I texted and asked for her word that she would not withdrawal anymore money from that account without talking to me first. I promised to do the same. She did not respond back and I talked to her later that day and she was seemingly unwilling to work together to keep L fees to a minimum so I felt I had no choice to do but set up a separate account and put that money in there.

Now her stance before I did all this was it is both our money and I don't have ask and my L said I could use that money even though you put it in there. I said legally yes you are correct morally it is wrong though and you know it.

I understand how this is working so that is why I did what I did the bank said it was legal I know its not going to help the sitch but I felt she was being told by her L or others to do what I did so I had to act in my best interest.

She called this morning and said why did you take all that money out of the account I said I felt it is mine. She hung up.

Then she texted me about what happened to the text I sent about good faith.

I responded by saying Well you never responded back to that text and I felt I had to act in our best interests. You seemed ok with going behind my back to retain an atty and using that money without discussing it with me and said don't worry it will all come out in the wash, so this money then to will come out in the wash. I feel that even though you say you want to work together for a peacefully resolution Your actions seem to me to indicate otherwise. I want to keep L fees low and have ideas on what to do with credit cards in order to save us immediate money.

You have said that you wanted your L to do the accounting not us so that will cost money. If you are open to working together on this I am willing just let me know. I am just as upset as you about all this please know that.

I probably should have run what I wanted to say past you guys first but wasn't thinking clearly.

From now on I will ask if what I am needing to say to my W is correct or needs to be amended.

Since this is already sent did I mess up at all?

With my W actions it indicates that she is or is getting somewhat desperate. I hate that but have no control over it.

I told her Sunday night Ok W I understand you need to do what is in your best interest. So now realize I need to do the same. This has no bearing on my feelings for you I still love and I am in love with you. Things that I am advised to do might affect you in a negative way and I am sorry for that. But now it has to be a business like sitch. Then I walked away.

She called me back and said you are going to be vicious I said not if I can help it.

She said you know the funny thing is way back in July when I told you I didn't love you and wanted a D. I didn't want to say those words because I knew it would crush you but I did. The first thing you said was This will ruin you financially, Not I love you lets work things out but only it will ruin you financially.

I told her I said that plus the emotional toll will be severe also. I didn't say I love you because you already knew that and lets work things out because I felt you needed space based upon your request I move out. Believe that is all I ever wanted and still want is to try and work on things.

She said My mind was already made up I wanted a D.

I said so if I said those words I love you, lets work on things it wouldn't have mattered. She said Probably not I said well then why bring it up now and she said it is just funny how money matters to you more than I do to you.

I said that is your perception and your right to feel that way and I have learned to let a bunch of stuff roll off my back and I feel great about myself now. You have done a wonderful job with paying bills except for that bounced check a few weeks ago. That doesn't even matter because that happens in life and is no big deal.

Then she said just like you wanting to have a baby. I said I always did and still do. She abruptly said have a good night and shut the bedroom door. I said goodnight.

Please can I get some feedback on this. I am ok but pretty fragile to myself right now. Outward to W and others I am showing a strong front but inside I am reeling somewhat.

Geeze, I thought I would be able to work this out in somewhat easy manner.

My W keeps texting me to ask to change the cell phone into her name I don't mind that except she will lose a discount I have. so I found out she can have her own account username and password, pay the bill from there and do almost everything she needs to and she still is mad.

She requesting that I pay all the bills in her D complaint so if she gets a new account it will cost me more so I want to hold on as long as possible. There are all the other things to come also Im sure so it stinks. If I am going to be required to pay her way I think I should have some say in it.

Please help me Im not sure what to do now. Am I still supposed to DB or is that out the window now with no hope?

These last three days have been hell.

You did fine with the accounts. Because you are starting to take charge and controlling your own life, your W will start turning into a monster. YOu'll find that she's going to start blaming you for everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. She's going to accuse you of taking advantage of her or trying to ruin her, etc. But you put your foot down and don't try to rescue her. YOU get stronger and happier. You'll see that the happier you get, the more miserable she will be.

Thank MrBond for the confidence builder!

Based upon the D complaint you correct about me being blamed for everything I think.

TBH, when the S first started I began preparing myself for this with documents and stuff. I figured different money aspects based on how I would be served. I didn't like to do it but I knew had to be done.

The outward impression I was giving off was I was being a pushover and I was emotionally because I still love my W. All the money things I kept to myself.

The problem is everybody thinks I have been too nice for too long. I see it as I am trying to work on things up until the D get signed so there was no need to do things that would have made me look bad.

I let my W live her life as she saw fit for a long time throughout the S because I believe I have always done that throughout the M.

Life will teach my W her lessons just like it has taught me.

I believe once my L which I need to get yet sees all the info and how things have been since S I believe I will be as ok as I am allowed to be under the law. Which stinks because I worked very hard to give US a great chance at a secure life in the future and now W is entitled to a portion of that to squander as she pleases.

I asked her if you were as done as you said were in July why not file back then why wait 10 months? Your financially situation hasn't changed so why drag your feet for so long?

I personally feel this is money motivated and can't do a thing about it as far as I know.

Anybody have a similar sitch where WAW had a great job all through the M then lost it shortly after S didn't want any help from LBH even though it was offered with little expectations?

Then claimed to be looking for a job for 10 months but through the grapevine figured out that was not completely true. Once her unemployment bennys ran out she said she was borrowing money to pay her half of the bills. Said the under the table job she had dried up but is still going in everyday as a favor and seems to be buying groceries and putting gas in her car and rejoined the gym that she has been going to two times day sometimes three?

Now that D is filed she wants me to do the exact thing I would have done if need be if we were still happy or even if we were S and she had no job, Which is pay all the bills?

She is asking for medical insurance to be provided. Throughout our M we were never on each others medical insurance even for a short time.

This is baffling that the one of the reasons we had problems was she thought I was controlling because I paid the bills. So when the S came about to show that wasn't the case I let her control the money. Now that has come full circle she needs me to cover her bills plus give her money to live a separate life. We are right back to where we started.

I told her even though she is saying she wants to work this out in a fair way W actions are showing different motivations.

I still have things that I am keeping close to my vest that may or not help me but I believe because I am perceived to love my W unconditionally, which honestly I still do, everybody thinks I will just roll over and take it like I have no family jewels.

I had them all along but learned in regards to my W anyways that showing that I had them was allowing her to believe I was manipulative and controlling. I have now learned how to show that I have them in a different manner and this is very freeing to me but very troubling to my W because she keeps saying why now why not earlier?

Now that I have put my foot down people will think I am being a jerk but I have to do what I need to do for me.

Have I handled this whole S from the beginning the correct way or should I have been a little bit more of jerk throughout so as not to look really bad when all the Jerkiness comes out at once now that W has filed? Have I been misleading?

I think My W will be ok after all this is finished at least that is my Prayer but I just believe we could have tried harder at staying M and creating a new M rather than choosing this option.

I understand her feeling that she tried till she was blue in the face. I disagree but there is nothing I can do until she maybe she changes her mind about that.

I asked to help me get some closure and she said after we are D she would be happy to help me. Of course, I said I need closure before I am able to move towards what she desires again we at different ends of the spectrum on something.

Am I crazy to still desire to work things out? I am pretty detached in the sense that I am moving forward with my life and have been for a while.

I don't want to be with anybody right now but family and friends think that is because I want to work things out. I tell them that is my desire but it won't stop me from living my life on my terms. If I feel the desire to date or if someone asks me out I have the choice to say yea or nay.

I keep telling people that life is about choices and that is a beautiful thing. Some choices are good others are bad but if they were yours and yours alone than you need to be able to deal with the favorable consequences along with the unfavorable ones.

Thanks for all the support you all have given me through this most unpleasant experience. I am sure to need more until this is over and after please continue with your thoughts and comments