Starsky, have you read/researched anything about the psychology of that? Because I just don't get it. That seems like childish behavior to me: "I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you, either." Why is he like that when he's the one who left? He's the one who said if he came back now and went to therapy it would be "only out of convenience." He's the one who chose someone else over me. So why does he CARE? Seems he'd be indifferent and would actually WANT me to move on so I'd be out of his and OW's hair once and for all! RIGHT???
Oh, my poor dear Train, you women sure do crack me up. You try to make us men soooo COMPLICATED, and we really are quite SIMPLE creatures.
It's simple "push/pull" dynamics of male-female relationships, with some male "tagging" thrown in for good measure. (think peeing to make your territory)
Men are horny, competitive, horny, territorial, horny, stubborn, competitive horny creatures. Look up Occum's Razor and you will have your answer.
So here's another question, which arose after I was reading something yesterday from a former cheating WAS: If H's self-esteem is so crappy (and it is, except for what OW has done to bolster it recently), was it shaky ground for me to even mention I was going out with a friend? I mean, I wrote it to S7, but it's on H's phone so obviously H is privy to anything I write. I don't want to inadvertently damage his self-esteem even more. BUT, he has OW. He left our family. There's a part of me that WANTS him to know I'm not only capable of moving on ... but I AM moving on.
Right? Or no?
It's not your job to fix him, Train. CERTAINLY not now, while he's wayward!
Date or don't date, but do it from a standpoint of:
a) is this authentic to me, morally and ethically; and
Men are horny, competitive, horny, territorial, horny, stubborn, competitive horny creatures.
Yes, okay, point well taken. BUT ... you're not going to be like that to just ANYONE. And certainly not to your boring, nagging W while you're with OW. Right?
So it's as simple as: Maybe he's not quite as "over me" as he's led me to believe? Or as "over me" as he'd LIKE to be?
THAT is what I'm not understanding. Why is he still "interested" in ME at all???
That's what makes everything so hard and confusing for me. How can a man leave me for OW and then still engage in a "push/pull relationship" with *ME* ... the woman he LEFT?
Okay, off to read what you mentioned ...
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
You're reading past the "competitive" part, Train.
Gotcha. Okay.
But what does that mean for me now? What advantage - if any - does it provide? What can I DO with this information?
Quote:
will it be effective (warning: it often IS)
Effective ... as in ... it'll help me get over H? It'll get his attention and perhaps nudge him to want to work things out later? It'll pi$s him off? All of the above?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Effective ... as in ... it'll help me get over H? It'll get his attention and perhaps nudge him to want to work things out later? It'll pi$s him off? All of the above?
"Effective" as in it very often re-attracts the walkaway spouse. JEALOUSY 'WORKS', even if only in the short-term. You STILL have to decide if dating while still married fits within your own moral framework, and then you'd STILL have the same dysfunctional relationship (and H with all of his issues), but it DOES draw them back. Especially spouses with a strong jealousy streak.
You try to make us men soooo COMPLICATED, and we really are quite SIMPLE creatures. 
...