Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers hope456--my story

Thanks for the suggestion, Claire. I think that is a good way to handle. I'll have to be careful not to sound judgmental as that is one of H's complaints about me. I do think it is important to be able to handle these situations in a non-confrontational way in order for us to have a successful co-parenting relationship, regardless of what happens with our M.

What you need to work on is being mindful of how these things play out, which you've described above quite well. If you remember where it always ends up, then you'll quit having the expectations. You might even copy/ paste the above on your phone or at work or something as a daily reminder of why not to have expectations. And for Heaven's sake, don't EVER tell him how you "honestly feel"!!!!! That is HUGE pressure on him at a time that he wants no pressure! You have to listen, listen, listen. That's your task, not talking, not sharing your feelings. Just listen and validate.

Remember Sandi2's 37 Rules!!

Thanks, AS! I needed that reminder today, especially with my H coming back into town this evening. He is much easier to deal with when he doesn't feel pressure. I'm going to make sure to read the rules a few times before I leave the office today.

H will have D7 tomorrow and Thursday, so I plan on going running. I hate running on a treadmill. Running outside, on the other hand, really helps me clear my head and put things in perspective.

I saw my H tonight for the first time in a week. He came over around bedtime to say goodnight to D7 and give her some gifts he bought for her while on his trip. She was very excited to see him! He came into the house and gave her a hug and then suggested a "family hug," which is usually something D7 suggests. I walked out of the room to get something ready for D7's bedtime and he followed me down the hall and asked me for another hug. While D7 was getting ready for bed, H sat down and talked to me about his trip. He filled me in on everything that's going on with our nieces and nephews and how much they've grown. The conversation got kind of heavy, but it wasn't R-related at all. His grandmother is in poor health and there is some family drama. I listened and validated. In this case, it was really easy to do since they've been my family, too, for the last 14 years. He tucked D7 in, gave me another hug, and left. He said he was really tired and needed to go to sleep. As he was walking out the door, he suggested we have a family dinner tomorrow night. He didn't offer anything specific, so I'll wait until tomorrow to see if he brings it up again.

I did not bring up D7's disappointment over him not answering her calls. It didn't feel right to do it after our conversation about his grandmother and the funeral. It seemed like that would have been inconsiderate of H's feelings.

Hope I totally get where your coming from with the expectations & I don't think it's something you can just stop doing, like everything else it's a process.

I kept getting up my expectations when H was saying positive things about our situation or R then would quickly become upset/disheartened when he wasn't so upbeat, by keeping my journal & posting on here I realised my expectations were my main downfall and made that my main focus.

I also struggled to seperate hope from expectation, once I had that figured & stopped having expectations (both good & bad) I began to feel much more balanced - still work in progress though!!

Thanks for reading, Upwards! I'm at a compete loss as to how to separate hope and expectations. They seem so intertwined to me. How did you do that?

I'd say separating hope and expectations can only happen when we get to that point where we can decisively say we choose to work things out without making any plans or designs on how the other person might 'get there'.

I think you can only do this when you realize you will be fine with or without your Spouse. You have to be enough for your own happiness in life alone but know that you would choose to spend that life with that person if given that choice. This just takes it back to not having dependancy.

^^^ Agreed!

First I had to "let go" of my marraige as it was, I found this very hard & couldn't understand why people were telling me I needed to do this when all I could think about was saving my marriage. I did some real deep soul searching and examination of our relationship in the past 12 months and realised how unhealthy it had become & how unhappy we both were, when I accepted that I knew that the only way forward would be to build a completely NEW relationship with my H or the dreaded D.

I think as I was going through the "letting go" process I began to have days where I was fine, better than just fine I was actually enjoying life again at times, even though I was still having "bad" days I knew in my heart that I would truly be ok regardless of whether my M ended in divorce or we work things out - prior to this I said I was ok no matter what happened but I didnt fully believe it.

I have hope that i'll have the opportunity to rebuild a new relationship with my H at some point in the future & that we can both be happy together again but I have no expectations in the short term. I take each day as it comes, dont expect anything and just enjoy the positives and try to remain detached from the negatives.

How you doing with detachment?

Thanks Bunches and Upwards. Rationally, I know that I'll be ok without my H. I can take care of my D7 and my house and will be fine financially. None of that changes the fact that I want things to be different though. I think this whole I'm not "in love" thing is BS. No, things are not like they were 14 years ago when I was 18 and he was 21 and we didn't have responsibilities, but that's normal. I think the justification of "people just grow apart" that people tell themselves (and others) is just that, justification for quitting instead of doing the work.

To answer your question, I think that means I'm not doing very well with detachment.