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I got a great nights sleep. S3 is doing great although his head looks horrible and now he has a black eye which they warned us in time. His first picture day at preschool is this week so he will have a picture to forever document this accident.

I decided that I definitely want to remain in our current neighborhood when if we have to see our house. We have everything right here including a hospital right in our neighborhood. The hospital actually has a desperate pediatric er just for kids that is completely desperate from the adult er. Even a seperate waiting room. They had kid sizes beds and equipment. The sweetest staff that love kids. Mickey stuff decorating the rooms. They even had frozen slushie machines and tons of popsicles. It makes me feel better knowing that we are four minutes away in case of emergency.

H had the older boys all morning. Life with one little guy was a piece of cake. Before 1030 am I had finished grocery shopping, put dinner in the crockpot, put S1 down for a nap, ran for 30 minutes, did laundry and took a shower by myself. I even got a huge mickey stuffed dall and two Mickey cupcakes and made a sign saying hope you feel better S3. S5 and S3 where so excited when they got home. They are convinced the real mickey flew here to drop off the presents. I love these kiddos so much.

3Boyz,

I hope your little guy feels better soon. Sounds like you accomplished a great deal. Enjoy your day:)

I hope you meant separate Peds ER.

Stupid phone autocorrect. Yes, separate pediatric er

I thought, "Why would she want to be close to a desperate Peds ER?" Then I thought maybe it was a new classification.

Anyway, it was good for a laugh when I figured it out.

I am glad fo hear he is healing. You are a great mom.

H and I were putting together a family calendar last night to keep track of all kids activities. We added vacations to the calendar and our discussions regarding vacations slowly evolved into a R discussion. It was the first conversation in a long time that H showed a bit of emotion. His eyes filled with tears at one point.

Here is a summary of what my H said: He has no negative feelings towards me anymore. He sees positive things about me and has had feelings towards me that he had not had in a long time. H said that he is passionate about being a dad and passionate towards his business and everything that the business entails, which includes OW. In order to pursue something with me, he would need to change his life, which he loves. Needless to say, he is not willing to do so right now. H needs to know that he wants to be married to me before he will change his life and his R with the OW. H made some comments about how he views me as a person.

H said that he does not want to file for D now, yet he does not know how to get out of this limbo. H needs to know that he wants to be married to me before he will change his life and his R with the OW. Yet, H acknowledges that he cant figure out whether he wants to be with me (i.e. start dating/piecing) because we literally cant talk about anything non-kid related because of his R with OW. He said that he is scared to try and makes things work with me and hurt me more if it does not. He is also scared to not try and lose our family and the chance that we could have a great marriage.

Our conversation made me think a lot. I realized that I am tired of trying to get my H to see who I really am. I realized that I have spent years trying to get him to pay attention to me and to love me and to appreciate our relationship. While my H is passionate about his work and our kids, he has never been passionate about me or our marriage. I have always loved him more than he loved me. I really do not believe that he is willing to damage his business now or in the foreseeable future. I dont want that type of a relationship.

I realized that I really need to drop the rope. I need to start preparing for a life without H. I had let my H back in and started to let the expectations creep back up.

UGGHHH...I simply hate this sometimes.

3bm, I could have written 90% of that myself!! H said he has no negative feelings towards me anymore and his positive are growing, he actually treats me with some respect now instead of just looking straight through me and taking me for granted. My H's mindset is the same as far as not wanting to hurt me, scared of it not working out, scared of being "trapped" and unhappy, scared of things going back to how they were etc.

I'm sorry your in this position I truly am - I have done much the same last week & effectively dropped the rope, I couldnt do it anymore and made the decision to let go fully and prepare for life without my H. Hardest thing ever done as i've completely cut contact but has to be done for my own sanity.

Positive is also that its prompted him to end things with OW (he said it wasnt going anywhere anyway) and he said its given him a huge kick up the butt to reassess his life & figure out what he wants from life - who knows what that will be but its got to be better than him burying his head in the sand & pretending this isnt happening.

Shame there is no private message function on here. Big hugs to you, keep your chin up, your an AWESOME Mum and your doing amazingly well.

Hi 3b,

I've been following your threads for a while. I think you've done very well through some very trying times. Like you, it seems like I struggle more when my H is nice to me. That's when I develop expectations...and then end up disappointed.

From what you've posted, it does seem like your H has come a long way from where his perspective was, so what you were doing was changing the dynamic between you for the better.

I think you've got the right idea with going back to the gym and getting back to GALing.

3B,

You are doing excellent...Keep up the work!!!!

He obviously is well aware of the choice he needs to make....Keep your boundaries up and strong as ever. As you said it is time to let go of a little bit more of the rope.

Things are good 3B...Truly they are.