Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis New here - H's MLC hit like a ton of bricks

Live Now - we are right here with you.

You seem like you are doing great so far. I would say stick with the coaches advice. "Im sorry you feel that way but I dont think divorce is this answer"

I really think in most cases the WAS has to live out their fantasy before they can even begin to think about coming home.

When they come home before they have lived out this fantasy it doesnt last long.

I want to tell you, your H would have had this crisis if you had kids as well.

Dont blame yourself. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Treat yourself to things you enjoy.

Write often. We totally get it

TL72 - Thanks for your post. That's a great idea about the rubber band on the wrist, or something like it! My meditation classes have been helping a little with that; every time you find your mind is NOT in the present moment, where YOU are right now, switch it back. Get it out of the past, and out of the future, and especially out of my own snowballing, anxiety-producing, thoughts about OW! Yes, Facebook is evil in that way. Just makes things worse.

I got used to living alone (no kids and no pets, although I'm seriously contemplating a dog) about 3 or 4 months after he moved out, so now it's not too bad most days. Have friends nearby always willing to come by or have me over. Hardest part was Sunday nights, eating dinner alone sometimes. Now, I mostly eat quick and then get into doing something else. I put away pictures and stuff a few months ago. I was doing really great at 6 or 7 months, and then I found out about OW. Set me back a couple of months at least. Still trying to recover from the shock of digging up photos online. Ugh. THAT was a bad day. Yes, trying really hard to let go. Another 'talk' tomorrow night -- his suggestion this time. Highly unusual. This will not be good, I think. Will report back once I gather my thoughts afterward. Praying -- for us all on this board.

Hi LN,
meditation! I've been dabbling in that myself, it does help.
Also if you're a dog person I do recommend having one. Puppies take a ton of time and energy, but an older dog from your local shelter could really use a home I'm sure! Mine sleeps with me at night and really provides comfort and they're always doing something funny to distract me. I walk them daily which is a great stress reliever and of course good exercise. A dog obedience course is a good way to get out and be social too, I did one for 6 weeks and you do meet some other people and it can be part of your GAL. You seem to be doing pretty great on your own, a dog is a big commitment for sure. I can tell ya that they don't MLC on ya and leave! unconditional love. *sigh* I know what you mean about dinners alone, I have lost 22 lbs since january mostly because i'm not cooking for 2 anymore and just try and eat something simple. That's a shame you found out about OW like that and it's only natural to be set back. I think a lot of us get stuck on "letting go" we're not light switches, can't just flip it off and be over it. try and stay positive, you're doing great.

Exactly what I was thinking - an older dog from the nearby shelter. On hold for the moment, while I try to figure out how long I'll still be living where I am, but certainly an option for the future.

Well, H just left, after only about 30 minutes. I let him talk, validated, didn't argue or defend myself, didn't cry or even start to (even though HE started to, as usual). He said he has spent alot of time thinking, and he thinks it's 'time to end the marriage.' Not at all surprised. I had 5 days to prepare and this is exactly what I thought he would say. He has no concrete plan, and says we should use a mediator. I thought you only needed a mediator if you can't agree on stuff?

Anyway, I think something really happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I hit a wall, where I just decided to not care anymore and really let go. I think I actually have. It's the get-out-the-popcorn-and-pull-up-a-lawn-chair thing. This is nothing different than the last 4 times he has indicated it's over, over the past 10 months. Really. I don't think he has done anything to further this situation. He seems as confused and in a fog as ever. He actually said things are 'cloudy' for him. Really?!

So I still am not going to DO anything myself. If he wants this, HE will have to do the work. Meanwhile, I feel pretty good. I have come a long way in 10 months, and I feel that no matter what happens, I'm a survivor, and life will be good again.

So, back on the DB wagon. Just sitting tight. Watching the MLC show. I'm learning so much and GROWING in ways I never thought possible. Thanks to this board, and the insights of those who contribute that have been through MLC themselves, I understand this situation so much better than if I hadn't ever found this site. And I would be a huge mess right about now! Kudos to all posters who contribute! I'll keep posting...

I can really relate to your story with H. We have had several "talks" and in all of them, H continues to say he thinks we should go separate ways, he hasn't been happy and that he doesn't see us being happy together. Then he throws in that he is confused and not sure what to do or if he will regret this. I, also, refuse to initiate something I don't want and wait on him to do legwork. He has done nothing in 8 months. So, I continue to ride on the crazy train. I figure either he will do something, or I will get so fed up that I will take the steps to D. But for now, I continue to ride it out

Hang in there, it sounds like you are doing all the right things to cope. We are here for you.

I can relate too. My H told me last year (6 month after BD) that he was definitely moving on and his life with me was over. He didn’t want to get D at that time, saying that it would be better from the financial point of view to stay officially M’d. I think he said that because he didn’t think he could pull it through back then. After a few months he came and asked me if we should file for D jointly, like filing an application on some website together. Snort… I told him that he could go ahead do it by himself, send the paperwork to me, so I could pass it to my lawyer. He looked at me funny when I said that and asked me if I already had a lawyer. I told him that I didn’t, but I interviewed a few potential once. He left and I haven’t heard the D word ever since. It’s been almost two years since BD. He introduced himself to one of the people I know like “Bright’s soon to be ex”. My first reaction was “how soon?”. It was a few months ago. Still nothing. I’m prepared for anything though.

I’m also sitting and watching the show for now. I wait for him to do the filing, unless at some point I am ready to do it myself and move on.

Bright -- yes, I heard the 'I wanna move on' thing too, back in October. Well, he does have an OW, so I guess he kinda did? If that's what moving on means...

So, I said I would think about whether I thought we could just use a mediator and not each have attorneys and go to court, and then get back to him. I honestly have no idea why we need a mediator (anyone?). Truly thought that's only needed if you disagree on something. We can write all this stuff up ourselves and run it by (our own) attorneys, no mediation required. I think.

So, here's what I am planning to e-mail him in response, in another day or two: "Whichever method you think you'd like to use is fine with me."

So, as far as DB'ing goes -- what is my best course of action right now? Deep, deep down, I still am not convinced he really knows what he wants. But I do know the counselor (same one I'm going to) and she is pushing him to do SOMETHING, and then he has to be 'accountable' to her for doing it. She is not pro-divorce, but I know her methods.

Should I just be agreeable and totally cooperative - IF he goes ahead and actually DOES something??? Need some pointers...THANKS.

Meanwhile, I'm good. I am ok with whatever comes my way now. Somehow I managed to flip that switch -- let go of the rope. It's so FREEING!

I think I would sit on that email for a while. After all, you did say you needed to think about it. Allow him to come to you and inquire and that's when you can give him your thoughts on the matter.

Just remember, that whatever happens, he could very well drag his feet on the proceedings, which means $$$ for the both of you. If he's being nice right now, that doesn't necessarily mean he'll be nice when he discovers what he is losing in a divorce proceeding. They all have their rose colored glasses on and think that we'll just roll over and play dead and allow them to come in and take 80% of the assets (or more). That we will continue to be friends and allow them to come and go as they please. Once they find out that life isn't that way, some of them become nasty little buggers and the ugly monster comes out to play. In other words, rock their boat and they aren't happy and will play dirty.

So, unless you are in a hurry to get the ugly deed done, I would sit back and watch the show for a bit, but that's just my opinion. Nothing says you have to respond in the next 72 hours or so.

Thanks Job. I don't think he is going to continue dragging his feet much longer. It's been 10 months, and now the counselor is pushing him to do something - anything. And he has to be 'accountable' to her. I could tell he was just so dang proud of himself that he came over and said he wanted to 'end the marriage.' (Still can't quite bring himself to say the 'D' word. Just SAY it already!) Pretty much just what he's been telling me for the last 10 months already. Ugh. Oh, and the counselor doesn't think it's MLC (never mind that she has only talked to him about 4 times total so far, since last summer)! Has not seen the Jekyl and Hyde thing, or the crying, and confusing, contradicting talk. While we were talking the other day, he also asked me who my best friends are now??? And do I really like my job???

I'll wait another few days before I respond re: mediation...

LN thanks for the wonderful thread. I always learn and understand more when I read someone else's situation too and yours has helped.
I too have re-establised relationships with friends and family that have been dormant for years.
I hope you can continue your hard-earned changes. From what I am learning, that is the true benefit for the LBS. We get to detach, GAL, and change our lives without feeling guilty for shutting out our spouse or changing our family.
Just the other day I spoke to a friend that is about 20yrs older than me. I told him what is going on and he told me the story of his first marriage. His story mirrored mine so much and I could still see the pain in his eyes.
The good news is that after some time he found a wonderful new wife and is enjoying life. He reassured me that I am "good people" and I left him feeling so good and confident.