Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Unlearning conflict avoidance - 11

Action: went biking last night with French friend, getting a bit closer as he disclosed his changing from ENTJ to ENFP on Meyers-Briggs (admittedly an inexact science) and I talked about my experience at EE.

W has (probably unknowingly) preempted trip to Stockholm with d16, so this will need to be in the next two or so weeks instead. W and d16 hang out together a lot; I work.

D is probably best solution to this, when hopefully d16 will sometimes spend time with me (she is free to choose, per Swedish law).

Luke

Hi Luke
How is it going..
Helps to have friends I think..
I thought I did not need them before.. I thought my H filled that need for me.. I don't need a lot of people.. just some..
anyway I was wrong..

enjoy the Easter cold...hope last weeks was not all the summer we will be getting..!

You're doing it AGAIN! You were on a good path - connecting with your daughter, getting friends, etc. Now you're saying that only if you get a D will you be able to spend time with your d.

Why can't you be your own man and just make things happen rather than expecting external situations to do it for you because you don't have a choice?

You complained all the time about your W spending time with your daughter, but you don't do anything to initiate. You could very well have had a good relationship with your W with your daughter if you would just start engaging with them. Every time you see a little bit of progress, you stop when you hit a roadblock and then mutter under your breath about how bad things are.

DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I think you need your testosterone level checked or something because the male aggressive tendencies are not in you.

Action: talked back to wife after she said "what is the sudden interest in vacuuming? You've never done it before", when I helped vacuum up s20s beard hair after trimming. I pointed out that I vacuumed the bathroom, the hall, ... and she said "I don't care". I said "well then you should not criticize, my friend", end of conversation. I was mad - .

L

Action: invited d16 to car wash, she did not go. Invited her to flower hill, she did not go. Met her at train station.

Took s20 to "selfish giant", an excellent but depressing movie.

I do feel outgunned by W, Bond. I am not mean, like she is, and mean people have always had one up on me.

Perhaps I will get testoserone checked - am due for blood test anyway.

Luke

Action: invited d16 to car wash, she did not go. Invited her to flower hill, she did not go. Met her at train station.

Took s20 to "selfish giant", an excellent but depressing movie.

I do feel outgunned by W, Bond. I am not mean, like she is, and mean people have always had one up on me.

Perhaps I will get testoserone checked - am due for blood test anyway.

Luke

Hi Luke

mean people suck the life force out of people who want everyone to be happy..
They practice meanness and for me I am always surprised when it hits..They seem big and strong and powerful..I am not sure they are but seems that way.
I mentally hand their problem back to them..they are mean but I will not allow it to impact my day or my life..

and 16 year old girls.. a whole different species.If my experiences are anything to go on.. the positives you do may not be acknowledged but they will be noticed and filed away..well my daughter did.. at about 25 she started sharing..she remembered so many small things in a good way.. and even occasions when we had argued she remembered I was right...

anyway Luke.. need some German language assistance..
if I wanted to do a search for
divorce.. impact.. children ..life in the German language .. what terms should I use?
thanks
Loua

Hi Lou,

yes, I won't stop doing good, right things, just because my acerbic wife needs to drip some acid. I do wonder what is in their head, though, do they know they are mean?

Deutsch: scheidung = divorce, auswirkung, effekte = impact,

Try searching with scheidung kinder auswirkung alter (age) leben

My apologies for being offline so long - business trip (W was jealous of the 5 days in Budapest) - I'll try to be more regular when W and D16 are back at school.

L

Oh, and the unexpectedness of the attack is so odd - I'd been making conversation on and off, on this and that, trying to improve communication, said good morning to W when she saw me (she doesn't always answer), she'd said "there is hot water if you want tea", a more friendly than usual remark (she often doesn't say anything unless she needs something), and then this, when it is clearly untrue. Sure, I don't vacuum as much as she does, but I do cook (though she has been doing this all this week) and clean the kitchen and pay for the place.

Why be mean and unfriendly? It sure doesn't adhere to Dale Carnegie's method...

Luke

I worked with a mean woman once..snipey and unkind
..
My buddy there said just to remember
" she is doing the best she can- even when it isn't very good".

I think it is a pattern a way of interacting with the world.. a habit .. like being pessimistic.

some kids are just plain mean in class even little kids..some are naturally kind.. some family influences sure, but some built in personalty as well
Sattay positive buddy your kids need that other model in their lives..

thanks for the German vocab..checked a dictionary but there were quite a few with shades of meaning i was unsure of,