One of my biggest fears when H left was: what happens when stuff starts breaking? ( I am a full-time student, and he gives me juuuuuuust enough money to cover all the bills. I truly have no extra cash).
At BD, he said he would come over and fix anything that needed fixing. I'd rather be able to take care of it, myself!
FYI: just did another load, and no water on the floor. Double victory!!!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
sorry, but I'm still going to ask you to rethink this:
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Re:calling it "my" house- he started doing it a few years ago whenever he was angry at me, then he did it as a joke whenever he wanted to tease me. He knows exactly what he's doing, and I literally asked him, last week, to stop doing it again. He's not stupid, so he clearly has a reason for it and is disregarding me in the process.
Ya, he's being a jerk, but he's going to push that button for the rest of your life, as long as you keep it in good working order. It's up to you to disable it. When the button stops working, he'll stop pushing it. Pavlov 101. Break the cycle.
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And he loses 2 points for the birthday text. I didn't expect or want him to buy me anything, but a phone call would have been perfect. Birthdays are really important to me (everyone's birthday-not just mine. It's YOUR day to feel special.)
You're imposing your expectations and values on him. He didn't have to do anything. But he did. Even under the circumstances. It just wasn't up to your level of expectation, so you're slamming him. I think this is your hatchet to bury.
Just to add one thing here, is the SCOREKEEPING habit of many, including you right here^^^ above.
Lose the scorecard. It never helps a marriage. Ever.
Plus, the irony is that the spouse has their own scorecard and they measure things their own subjective way, as do we. On THEIR scorecards, we are usually way way behind. Hence the adage, Lose the scorecard.
My DB coach said that to me and I finally realize how mandatory it is to do, IF you want to be happy.
But decide if you want to be happy, or you want to be "right".
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Holding grudges/keeping score is what I consider my worst character trait. I'm actively working on it now in IC. My homework is to figure out WHY I do it. I'm supposed to think about something I'm holding on to and list the emotions behind it. IC doesn't consider anger a true emotion-he says it's secondary and a reaction to other emotions so I can't include it on the list.
I'm trying! I'm doing the work- I really want to just let things go. I wish just saying it would make it true...
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
I let go of the birthday thing a few days after it happened- I truly am indifferent about it now (I think the pain from my surgery added to my reaction). But, that's an improvement for me, as in the past I'd still be mulling it over in my head flow awhile.
And, a former friend hurt me really really badly 5 years ago. I was talking with my BFF yesterday and realized I've let THAT go, as well. That's huge for me! I'm proud of myself for that one!!! only took me 5 years... :-/
As my insightful friend told me last month, this time was given to me for personal growth. I believe it!!!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
H just made an impromptu visit to pick up the dog for an overnight visit. He wants to set a day next week for yard work and an evening to take D12 out for dinner. It was a bit awkward, as it's our first face-to-face since the blow-up. But, he initiated two hugs and some pecks... So awkward!
I'm glad he wants set a date with D12 without me mentioning it! She needs to see him.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Ok! This is what I mean when I say the Universe keeps sending me signs:
I had a really long convo with a friend yesterday about my IC and how I'm working on not holding grudges. Basically, I gotta let them go ESPECIALLY regarding my H or I'll be bitter the rest of my life. I hung up the phone and opened up twitter, and the very first tweet that was on my feed was " Keeping score of old scores and scars, getting even and one-upping, always make you feel less than you are.- Malcolm Forbes"
Followed by: life is too short to sit around holding grudges;it doesn't make any sense to do it.
and they both were posted at the same time I was talking to my friend. WHOA!
I'm trying! I'm trying!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
The universe does have a way of speaking to us. We just have to have our eyes and ears open:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Another one of those I heard, which resonated at the time, was this:
"Holding onto anger, to hurt someone else, is like
lighting yourself on fire, to get smoke in their eyes..."
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Oh, I like that one, 25! I'm gonna write that down!
I need some opinions here: H is trying to schedule several days for either chores around the house or for us to hang out, both with and without D12. I don't want to hang out with him right now. I just don't.
I'm afraid I'm slipping or regressing in all the work I've done on myself. I'm certain this goes back to the text blow-up, which goes back to me holding grudges. So, do I hang out with him, regardless so I can push through it?
I will most definitely go along with the dinner with D12 , and be fabulous the whole time but I can do yard work on my own, etc.
What say you guys?
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
I need some opinions here: H is trying to schedule several days for either chores around the house or for us to hang out, both with and without D12. I don't want to hang out with him right now. I just don't.
This is called starting to take care of yourself, and its absolutelly fine, you are setting yourself a bondary and if thats what you feel you probably should honor it....when we are in this D process we dont allow ourselves have feelings or set boundaries to ourselves because our self steem its low and tell us that anything we do for ourselves will push them away....its not true! Who could be more attractive than a person who take care of themselves?
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
only took me 5 years... :-/