Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Upwards - DB myself to happiness! #2

Thanks ye21. Sorry I missed this reply earlier as was on my phone! An oppurtunity came up so we had a chat about it, see my previous post. Just going to bring the focus back to me now

Well things have taken a twist.

H called me last night and said he felt he needed to be clear with me how he was feeling and that he wasn't going to tell me because he didn't want to get my hopes up but he felt he owed it to me rather than have me second guessing... he said that he was beginning to seriously think he's made a big mistake ending things and that his feelings are changing but he's really scared of ending up feeling the way he did before and ending up trapped and unhappy, he's also scared of agreeing to give things a go then regretting it.

We spoke a lot about things and what would have to happen for us to move forwards, I told him that I wasn't asking for him to move back in or remarry me i'm just asking for him to cut contact with the OW and to take baby steps with me and see how things go. He said he wanted to cut contact with her anyway but is scared because that's making a commitment to move forwards with me, I was a bit naughty and said that we both knew that wouldnt happen because its means him actually taking action and that it was about time he stopped sitting on the fence and decided what he wanted... he got all flustered and said that he needed to cut contact with everyone so that he can figure out exactly what he wants because me cutting contact last week really helped cos he realised how much he missed me, I said if that's what he wants that's fine and ended the call.

He text me this morning saying "I dont want to cut you off, we are getting on well. I dont even like her and havent seen her for a bit now".

I text back saying "So why do you want to cut contact with me but not her - you'd rather loose someone you could be happy with for the sake of someone you dont like!! Do you not see how insane that is?!"

He's such a coward!!! He can make a decision to walk away from his family but he cant make a decision to be friends and see what happens?!! He's too busy worrying about the "what ifs" to enjoy life, he's just miserable & will stay like that the way he's going. I'm just going to leave him to it - not playing his games or being pulled back into his web!

Arghhh rant over, phew I needed to let that out!

Is it possible he's noticed your changes, the 180's, your new life etc? If you continue with the changes you've been making then it sounds like there's a good chance your H will come to his senses and want to truly work on your M. He needs to work on himself as well, all you can do there is try to be supportive.

I've just blasted him on the phone & told him EXACTLY how I feel very loudly - I said that I'm sick to fcking death of him sitting on the fence and not making any decisions, he either decides he wants me in his life and tells her he's cutting contact or he does nothing and looses me in his life, if there really is nothing going on then it wouldn't be an issue. I said that it's my boundary, I won't budge on it & I shouldn't have to - that it's his choice and I won't force him to do anything but that's how I feel. He said "I'll sort it, you've suffered enough hurt already" and I just put the phone down - I very much doubt there will be any action behind those words but he can get lost til there is!!! I'm soooo angry, feel like I'm gunna explode!

Wow. You know that probably wasn't a good idea right? It might have felt good to you right now, but you're going to regret it later.

Believe me I won't regret it, it needed saying & it's about time he had some truth instead of being able to just go along in his little bubble - every word was the truth & nothing more.

Upwards, I can tell you're angry. You have every right to be.

I think some of that anger comes from the feeling of trying to control your H and realizing that you really can't. You're suffering and you want that to end, rightly so. You are tying your happiness to the actions of your H. He needs to decide what he's going to do.

IMO, you need to continue making positive changes for yourself. If you want to leave the door open for your H to come back to your M then that's fine but otherwise the only thing you can control is yourself. Keep working on you. If he's smart he will notice the positive changes you're making, that you're moving on with your life with him or without him.

It's something I'm still learning in my own situation but it's so true.

My anger is not about control, I absolutely cant control my H and wouldn't want to. My anger is about his complete refusal to take responsibility for his life & make some decisions about what he wants - he just ignores the problem and then feels sorry for himself when the same problems keep occurring, basically because of his complete refusal to deal with the problem and make the decisions he needs to make to move forwards.



What my H decides doesn't dictate my happiness, but it does dictate whether we stay in contact or not & I want to know where I stand with this that's all. I don't see why I should ignore my boundary plus if I don't bring it up he will just carry on as he is and not make any decisions... can you see a pattern emerging here with decisions lol!

Sorry I missed this.

He began a conversation about how well he thinks things are going, how he likes the fact that we're getting on so well and that things are moving forwards, he also seemed open to talk so I thought it was an ideal opportunity to bring it up again.

You've got your boundary and it's been working. If you feel any negative emotion just pull back and stick to your boundary. You know he'll come to you now so you can answer the phone or not answer the phone depending on how you're feeling. You've been strong and disciplined to this point so stick to it and let him figure it out for himself.