Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Upwards - DB myself to happiness! #2

Nice to see that someone on here is having success! Keep doing what you're doing!

Agreed! Keep it up!

Sounds like you are on the right track Up. I think I said it already, but it's worth reiterating...don't get excited and chase the squirrel off! Slow and steady....keep the focus on you.

And remember, believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. I made the mistake of putting too much weight on what my XW was saying a few times....each time she really hadn't changed at all. She simply wanted to keep me on the back burner. It's their actions that will tell you where they are going.

Yeh i'm going to keep on with it for him to say it he must have put a lot of thought into it because he's sworn that he will only ever come back if he's 100% because it wouldnt be fair to me to accept any less... I know its just words but I do believe he means it. I wont be getting my hopes up too much though, I know we both have a lot of healing & figuring out to do both apart and together.

He's also ended the R with OW too, he's still in contact but tonnes less than he was and its dwindling - that in itself is a huge step in the right direction. Also the way he's acting around me is so different, he's speaking to me like a real person and with respect again... what other actions should I look for?

I've not mentioned anything to him since & havent mentioned anything thats been said over the weekend, i'm just letting him do the talking really as that seems to be working best - i'm letting him come towards me instead of the other way around.

That is huge....but I would be looking for him to cut all contact with her. As long as he has some contact with OW, there'll always the risk that they'll fall back into it. Unless you set it as a boundary, he'll probably be of the mind "we can still be friends" or "its ok as long as I don't sleep with her." People tend to convince themselves of ways to keep that door open.

I don't know if you've read my story, but that's basically what happened to me. Crib notes version: W decided she didn't want to be D'd at the 11th hour, and the only boundary I set was NC with OM. She made it 2 weeks before she fell back in with him, at which point I signed the D papers. Post D, W again decided she wanted me, but continued to work with OM....each time I discovered she was still breaking my boundary, I went further and further away. After I stopped sleeping with her, she fell back into it with OM, but continued to tell me she wanted to R....but she never cut contact with OM. About a month ago, she again tells me she wants me, but yet I know she is still seeing OM....now I'm NC.

My point here is that an EA/PA really is like an addiction, and you can't keep that person at arm's length and make your M work. They have to be removed from the equation completely.

Hi Updwards!! It sounds like things are going really well. I agree with Breakdown. Makes sure to take things really slow and protect yourself. I have found that it is A LOT harder when the WAS is nice. It is much easier to keep working on yourself and not getting caught up with the WAS when they are anger or mean.

It is good to hear that he has ended things with the OW. However, she really does need to be removed from the equation completely. Your H probably needs time and he is the one that needs to decide to completely cut contact.

Just make sure that you continue to protect your heart a bit. Back in November, I went dim with my H and set boundaries. Just like your H, my H started to pursue me a bit. Things have been going really well for the past couple months..compliments, flirting, ML. He told me that we are not done, he does not want to file and that he still cares about me. He told me that he is scared that I am going to move on. After years of H not paying much attention to me and being mean, it felt good. But when I looked at this actions, they did not support what he was telling me. He did not cut ties with the OW, is considering moving into a new place, etc.

Sorry to blabber, but I mention this to make sure that you are are careful with expectations. Take things slowly and make sure not to scare away the squirrel. I hope that things continue to improve!

I totally get where your coming from & I would much prefer him to go NC but I also want him to do it because HE decides to and not because i've told him to if that makes sense. He's changed all meetings that she goes to now so wont see her (he hasnt said this is why but I think it is) and thats the only place he would see her - they started out as "just friends" and he had sex with her once, its never been anything more than that I dont think.

I did ask him to cut contact a few weeks ago & said I would be happy being "friends" and in contact if he was still persuing her so i'm a bit stuck right now because on one hand I dont want him to think i'm just allowing him to ignore what I said (as I want him NC if we're friends) but on the other hand because things are going in such a positive direction I dont want to enforce the boundary and scare him off...

I'm thinking of maybe waiting a couple of weeks and then do it? What do you think - i'm a so unsure!

I wouldn't be happy being "friends" and in contact if he was still persuing her.

(Hate how you cant edit!!)

He's never really been angry or mean, he's been quite nice all the way through, its made it much harder to detach but its also been slightly less painful I suppose.



Yeh I want him to decide to do it because he feels its the best way forward, I dont want to pressure but at the same time I dont want to allow him to walk all over me & cake-eat... I just really dont think now would be a good time to push because things have been so positive it may scare him off.



I'm sorry he wont cut ties with OW, its so hard isnt it I fully understand where your coming from and I absolutely wont move forwards with him if he's still in contact and thats a firm boundary. I really hope your H see's sense 3bm, he's a bloody fool if not!!!!

I feel like right now I need to give my H a couple of weeks and watch him, see if he continues to move towards me and his actions match up and if they do then i'll bring up my boundary and see what he says - if he's not willing to go NC with her then i'll go NC myself again until he is, just want to let him process his feelings a bit more first as like he said this morning his feelings are changing (and obviously thats what I want!!) and I dont want to frighten him off.

I agree with what you are saying, but there's a fine line there. I certainly wouldn't say "stop seeing OW"....but I would say, "if you want to pursue a relationship with me, the first step is NC with OW."



Every one that has an A minimizes it, blames someone, etc....it helps them feel less guilty. I'm not saying it is or has been more than that, but I think cheaters are pretty much all liars, and will only admit to the minimum they know you know. Again, actions....not words.



If you aren't willing to enforce the boundary, then it's not really a boundary now is it? No sense of even setting it until you are ready to follow thru. Maybe focus on smaller ones until you are ready for the bigger ones.