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So, still just recapping and journaling for myself... kind of hard to remember what I've written and what I haven't since my posts still aren't showing up, but just writing is therapeutic. One week today since the bomb was dropped. Got a nice hug before W left in the morning today. She made this little noise when she hugged me...this sound we both make when we're feeling particularly...close to each other. A little cooing noise. Stuff like that makes me want to say "why why why do you do things like that if you want a divorce?!?!" Thank god I've been able (so far) to keep my trap shut.

She mentioned today that she noticed I've been working out a lot this past week. Wasn't sure how to respond so just said "yeah, I've been trying to stick to it at least 3 times a week" and left it at that. Gut reaction was to say that I was trying to keep myself busy but managed to keep that to myself.

Every Monday night she takes the kids to her parents (who live right down the street) for dinner, so that's where they'll be tonight. Kind of pissed that they're allowing her to move in with them...I could understand if it was a situation involving abuse or something similar, but I don't think giving her an easy out is really beneficial. I was raised in a family in which my parents' attitude would be something like "we're sorry you're having problems but you're adults and you need to work this out in a way that doesn't involve moving back in with us." Oh well. Nothing I can do about that. I know she will have some kind of conversation with her parents tonight about our situation and what her plans are, so I'm going to try to mentally prepare myself for that...which essentially means prepare myself to shut my mouth, open my ears, and rehearse the phrase "I understand how you feel and you've given me some things to think about."

Journaling...

Wife came home from parents with no mention of move-out date, etc. kind of a surprise. Put the kids to bed and then asked if I cared if she went out to meet some friends. What was I going to say? Wish I had just stuck with "not at all" but instead went with the slightly lengthier "I always prefer your company but I also don't mind if you want to go meet up with your friends". That's not too bad I guess. Plus it's the truth, so...

What I found most interesting is that before she left she came over and sat on my lap, and in the way out the door she called me "babe".

I think the take-away here is to not obsess over everything she says...or that I say.

Journaling...

Wife texted last night while she was out to let me know she was on her way home and hoped I would still be up. Didn't respond to the text but it just so happened that I was still awake, watching TV on the couch, and W was happy to see that I was still up when she got home. Hung out for an hour or so, talking (NOT relationship talk) and listening to music. Noticed a little pull-back when we went to bed though... didn't get the usual close contact. And she was definitely more withdrawn this morning. Maybe it's the elastic/rubber band effect I've read about here. At any rate, once I noticed her demeanor I backed off and left her alone. Still got a hug for her when she left for a lunch date with her friend (an extremely non-marriage-positive friend, I might add), and quietly noticed she had her wedding ring on--she takes it off every night because her fingers swell while she sleeps, which means she had to make a point of putting it on before she left today. So... might not mean anything, but I'll take whatever small victories I can get.

Well... I think I can safely assume how my wife's lunch date with her friend went. Things sure got cool around here right quick.

I think I need to assume, no matter what, that the other shoe is going to drop.

GAL has been difficult because of our work schedules and how often I'm at home with the kids, but I've been in touch with a couple of old friends (wife specifically mentioned the other day that she was mad at me for neglecting my friends) and wife knows I have pending plans with them.

180's are tricky here too, because W says the problem isn't anything I'm doing/not doing now, it's her resentment regarding the past...and that something is "just missing".

I think my number one priority is going to be getting out of the house on my own three nights a week... even one would be a good start.

Still journaling...

Ugh... Major upheaval at work. Looks like there may be lay-offs or some kind of similar measures (already took a salary cut several years ago). This is not going to help things at home. Not good at all.

I guess the big question is... Do I discuss the work situation with my wife? I feel like this news, right now, is going to shove her right out the door.

Boy when it rains it sure does pour...

Journaling...

Well, things have definitely gone screwy at work. Looks like by the end of the year there's a good chance I will be unemployed AND divorced...

Sunday should be interesting. Wife brought up our situation for the first time since dropping the bomb 10 days ago. She asked me if I was doing ok since we hadn't talked about anything since bomb drop. I told her I was doing good and that I hadn't brought it up because I didn't have anything new to add, and that I had been assuming if she had something to say at some point, she would say it.

She said she had been thinking the same thing, and that she had figured she would give me time and space to process things. I told her I had definitely been doing some processing, and then suggested we go out on Sunday for drinks and appetizers...and presumably to talk about "things". Her demeanor suggests it's not going to be anything good...she's certainly not acting like she's had a change of heart. Things have been continuing to cool down. Not sure in what the point of waiting until Sunday is, or why we need to go somewhere, but I'm just following her lead here. If she wants to wait until Sunday to talk and if she wants to go somewhere to do it, so be it.

Should be interesting. Guess the tact is to say little and listen a lot.

So here's something I'm really having a hard time figuring out how to handle...

Wife says she wants a divorce. There's been no discussion about it since then (10 days ago or so) until last night, when she says she wants just the two of us to go out and talk. Nothing about her demeanor suggests it will be good. But she still asks me just about every night to massage her to sleep, because she can't get to sleep otherwise, and she literally just called me on the phone in my home office and asked me to bring her coffee in bed. What do I say to those types of requests? Flat out no? If I told someone I was divorcing them, I wouldn't continue to ask them for ANYthing. I would be as kind and gentle to them as I could be, but not ask them to comfort ME in any way, shape, or form. Not sure what to do here...

IC today. Therapist thinks if I have well-formed thoughts about our situation I should feel free to share them with W now instead of waiting for Sunday. I have processed a lot and do have things I want to say...nothing accusatory... more along the lines of sharing some of my truths while still acknowledging/accepting/validating hers. But I know the DB way is to not be the one to bring it up, which suggests waiting until Sunday... and even then not saying anything, I guess. Although if she gives a move-out date, I think I will say a few things before going as dark as possible when you have kids. My assumption is that'll be when she gives me her exit plan... but I guess I don't know that for sure.

Had a good talk with W last night...not sure if it's in line with DBing, but she asked me how my IC session was, and I said it was good and that it had actually helped me realize that I wanted to apologize for a couple of things I had done in the past that at the time I didn't realize were hurtful. She thanked me for the apology and said it meant a lot to her to hear me acknowledge those hurtful things. Then she offered an apology of her own, for treating me so poorly (her words) the past 6 by going out so much and drinking, basically treating me like a live in babysitter...actually, like even less than a babysitter because at least with a babysitter you give them the respect of letting them know where you are and when you'll be home.

The thing is, I'm starting to get that "babysitter" feeling again... and it doesn't sit right with me. I haven't said anything because it seems like DBing says not too...at least not right now. And I'm just trying to DB my ass off and at the very least keep the peace until Sunday when we go out for our "talk" and I find out exactly what it is she has to say. It definitely doesn't seem fair and equitable though that because she works nights on the weekend, she takes that as an opportunity to go out and party after work while I'm home with the kids...and then sleeps in the next day while I get up with the kids because she comes home drunk at 2:00/2:30 in the morning. In fact part of her whole apology last night was acknowledging how unfair that was, and yet I get a text at 11:00 tonight saying that work was crazy and she's going out for "a drink or two" and will be back "later tonight". WTF is that? Is it DBing to just say "ok" to that? I feel like saying "look, if you're serious about divorcing, then we need to get serious about what's fair about going out/childcare.