Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Unlearning conflict avoidance - 11

W ignored me this morning, making no acknowledgment of my existence, even when we were in the same room. I just now informed her thatI am leaving to run for 2 hours, to which she says nothing, but signs with her hand something like "whatever", not looking at me.

I felt mad, disrespected.

I suppose that showing anger is appropriate, or do I just ignore her back, a cold war?

We were invited to a dinner party last night, where Putin and Russia were discussed. I contributed some, but was not the driving force. My (mind reading) says W wanted a more conversationally dominating man instead of me.

Luke

"I suppose that showing anger is appropriate, or do I just ignore her back, a cold war?"

Luke, my opinion is that you should do neither. At this point, what she does should not affect you.

you need to get passed worrying about what she does or thinks.

but instead you're still gauging your self-worth on her whims.


a man of confidence and strength would note her actions, and move on without any other thoughts.

if you need to feel anything, maybe feel pity that she's so shallow and hurtful and childish.

"W ignored me this morning, making no acknowledgment of my existence, even when we were in the same room. I just now informed her thatI am leaving to run for 2 hours, to which she says nothing, but signs with her hand something like "whatever", not looking at me.

I felt mad, disrespected."

Why? She's always treated you that way because you've allowed her to. You're actually noticing these things which is a good thing.

"I suppose that showing anger is appropriate, or do I just ignore her back, a cold war?"

Neither is appropriate. That's why I recommended that during this period, you have a choice to make things better.

"We were invited to a dinner party last night, where Putin and Russia were discussed. I contributed some, but was not the driving force. My (mind reading) says W wanted a more conversationally dominating man instead of me. "

That was total mindreading. And in any event, a topic like that is based on ones opinion and not fact. You must contribute to discussions all the time at work, do the same here.

Again, you're way over-analyzing everything. Afraid to take the wrong step. Life is filled with uncertainties. Sometimes you just need to take that leap of faith and put yourself out there. THAT will show confidence.

Again, you're way over-analyzing everything. Afraid to take the wrong step. Life is filled with uncertainties. Sometimes you just need to take that leap of faith and put yourself out there. THAT will show confidence.

Follow that advice as if your life depends on it because one day you will realize it does, a man without confidence its like a guardian dog without a voice and no teeth...once they realize the dog its just to "decorate" thief's will trespass every night

Q: why withhold 'secrets'? Because of not knowing what would be done with them, or how the person might react, because I might become a figure of pity or disrespect by others, because it seems like a complicated morass of feelings opens, because sides might be taken. (so the usual mix of mistrust and not knowing).

Action: got invited to run by a French friend tonight. He is the one person here I feel resonant with - . Helped d16 study for an exam.

Idea: attended a special church service with the them of immigrant integration, where d16 played. The special speaker (whose d16 played with our d16 when they were young kids) told us about the program he runs to introduce new immigrants to Swedish society, where we current residents can help out by befriending newcomers. This seems a good thing to do, a way of giving back.

W still put her paycheck into our shared account.

I am traveling on business next week, and so will probably only be irregularly online.

Luke

"Q: why withhold 'secrets'? Because of not knowing what would be done with them, or how the person might react, because I might become a figure of pity or disrespect by others, because it seems like a complicated morass of feelings opens, because sides might be taken. (so the usual mix of mistrust and not knowing). "

That's all paranoia and fear on your part.

That's what's gotten you here in the first place. Take little steps. Reveal a little about yourself a bit at a time. No one said you need to make grand gestures and tell everyone everything about you.

And besides, if they form opinions (which all human beings do), then embrace them. It has nothing to do with you but how they view themselves. If they can't accept you for who you are the way you are, then they're not your friend. Simple as that.

Action: revealed presumably impending D to French friend on our run today, and he told me a bit about his problems. I am invited over to play music with him now. The world did not end when I revealed this stuff...

Luke

"The world did not end when I revealed this stuff..."

You don't have to tell us that. What matters is that you believe it.

Hi Bond,

I believe it.

Luke

That's great, Luke!