Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wants to leave again after a month!!!

Thank you all. I just hate living with any regrets and I always seem to have it when it comes to my relationship. I know him and he will quickly find himself a place. This time it's for good. I just wish I could slow him down. I know all I can do is work on me and I know I should be stronger than this but it is hurting me bad.

I have tried IC and didn't get very far. It all comes down to me loving with my all and being loyal to a fault. Even when it is one sided. I hope I learn from this and don't end up in the same situation years down the road.

It still hurts to know that my children will hurt because of this and because we couldn't get along. My home becomes empty when he leaves and I hate that feeling. I have plenty of people surrounding me but the sense of having a complete family is very comforting. I love him and will miss him. It's like I am mouring a death.

Unless you can figure it out (and learn to adjust), you easily could. This ^^^^ always SOUNDS like "love" on the surface, but it's a very slippery slope to full-on, unhealthy CO-DEPENDENCY.

I'm sorry for your pain, DFE. I can hear your love for your kids in your posts, and my heart aches for you. It is from that place of concern for you that I'm trying to get you to stand strong for yourself -- and your kids -- here. Your husband needs to figure out his OWN issues, which frankly, sound legion.

Starsky

I think it all comes down to your low self esteem. You cannot make your h go to a Counselor but YOU NEED the counseling b/c you continue to think he's somehow a big loss.

He's not. And your self esteem is your responsibility. Get a new therapist to help you see your own value, and the rest of this "c r a p" will get easier in time. Truly, the better you feel about yourself the better your life gets.

meanwhile try watching 2 TED Videos, one is by Amy Cuddy, something like "Fake it til You BECOME It" and then

one by Shawn Achor, about positive psychology. They're very powerful videos and not too long (20 min?)

Here are some DB rules that Sandi assembled, which have been slightly edited.


1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on your behalf.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). Sometimes the right thing to say is nothing.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

38. Know that in time, you really will be happy again, regardless of your spouse’s choices. Know this, believe it, and let it show.

39. Do not believe that showing your spouse your pain and misery proves your love for them. It just makes it harder to be around you.

40. Don’t worry about how the past is viewed. What matters is this day and “from this day forward.” Learn to let go of the past and what you cannot control. It’s a lot to let go of, but it is SO freeing.

I'm sorry for your pain DFE. Please assured that this isnt your fault, you are not solely responsible for the surivial of your marriage and you cant take on the burden of that - your H is also reponsbile and if he's unwilling to work at things then thats HIS problem and not yours, you've clearly tried very hard.

You can only change YOURSELF and cant do anything about your H as that his responsibility, it might be an idea to get back into seeing an IC? I think it would help you a lot.

Have you read the book "codependancy no more - mellodie beattie" as that may help identify if your codependant and how to resolve that so that it doesnt impact on you and your future.

Thank you Upwards. I just bought the book. I agree there is something in me that is making this so hard to deal with right now. I will make it as I know I'm not the only one to have gone through this but it hurts deep in my soul.

For me it's the loss of a family member. He is my husband" my partner, my friend, and the father of my kids. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

DFE, keep in mind that things can still change. Don't give up hope but also don't dwell on getting your H back. Work on yourself and in time your H may realize what he's losing. It can take a LONG time but it does happen. There are people here who have reconciled after being separated for years.

If you can be happy on your own and overcome your own issues you'll be ok no matter what.

I'm so tired. It's a roller coaster that I want to end.

I decided to be the one to leave. That way I can stay at my parents house 5 minutes away and there is no long term commitment on his part renting another place. I'm only doing it for a few days to give us both a breather.

Why can't I believe this is over? Why?

I still think we are going to put it back together. I miss my kids dearly. I don't want them to be without either parent. Do I just let go and move on? Divorce is no joke. There isn't turning around from it. This will hurt us all and I wanted to spare us the hurt. Our business will me hurt as well which means all of our lives will change. I'm lost, hurt, and confused

Is this the END?

He has said he wants a divorce and that he is DONE DONE DONE!!!

we went back and forth on email fighting like two enemies. I finally sent him one last email saying listen I am not your enemy. I will always love you no matter what happens. You will always have a special place in my heart. Please give me a little time to come up with options to split our assets and we can do this amicably.

He came upstairs and shook my hand and said I don't want to fight. We have made a decision and lets move forward with it. He tried talking to me later last night but I told him I wasn't in the proper state of mind to speak about it right now. (I was sobbing like a child)

So now what? He wants to know how we are going to do this and I have no answers. Attorney's will make us lose everything. If I go that route he wants custody of the kids as well. He wants 50 percent of everything. EVERYTHING. This is a new him but he has come to his boiling point.

So last night I came down and said if its ok we will talk tomorrow. I gave him a hug and he kissed me on the cheek. I then went to bed. I came down to the couch where he was sleeping at around 5 am and asked if I could lay next to him. I had heard noises all night. Turns out it was him walking around. He held me while I laid my head on his chest. I slept. I wanted to weep.

Now what do I do? I have two ideas but need opinions.

I think I have brought myself down in his eyes too many times asking him to work on this marriage. He came back on his own this time but it's only been a month. I can just say here this is what we have. let's sell the house, continue to work together in our business, and you move out.

OR

I can tell him to build the basement like he has been wanting to. Build his man cave instead of the money he will spend on an apartment rental. He can spend his time there if that's what he chooses and can sleep in the spare bedroom upstairs or wherever he wants. I will stay out of his way. I think it's important for him to be here for me and for the kids. It will save us money. It will keep him in his home of comfort. He told me when he came back last time that leaving is the hardest thing he has ever had to do. How can I let him go again?

I know I need to open up the cage doors and I will. But do I give him an option to also stay in the house or just go along with him leaving and call this over? Once he is gone I am done trying. I can't take the pain anymore of him going and coming.

We are to leave for vacation with friends next week. We have bought tickets. He plans on going. How can I still go? What to do? please tell me. Give me your opinions. I love him but also realize how much work we need to do. I know our relationship hasn't been perfect but in my heart I don't feel we have done the work to repair it. Is that my delusion?

Experts, newcomers, all please help. Please give me advise and help me through today.

Is option B (mancave) something you would be happy with?

I think the "mancave" thing will be VERY confusing for your kids. You should discuss something that important with a good FT (family therapist), with both of you present.

I also think you should let your attorney handle the financial and custody stuff. You're WAY too emotionally involved (understandably!) for you to try to negotiate those kinds of things with a man in your husband's current hell-bent-on-leaving state.


Starsky