Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Thanks for making me a fighter...

Thanks Wonka. I have a feeling H was not part of this discussion. I asked D who told her and she said OW. I said did daddy say that too? She said no, daddy wasn't there.

But you are right. This can't last. And it's not heaven now so it surely won't be heaven down the road. The more I think about it the more I think OW knew that D would tell me about this and it was all part of her plan to rub it in. Like sending home cupcakes with my kids.

Not giving her the satisfaction. Not. Doing. It. My dander is up now. This has just firmed my resolve, not weakened it.

WH

WH I am sure that the OW is 'baiting' you. Cupcakses my aunt Sally!! Hilarious when you think about it. (Painful too, I know)

But stop and think. When you were blissfully happy did you have the time or energy to even think about doing small mean things to hurt others? No, of course not. (Not suggesting you would do that sort of thing anyway btw!!) So the fact that you are getting these digs suggests to me that she isn't really a happy bunny!

Happy people get on with their lives. Miserable ones poke around in other people's.

Bea is spot on with that...

Why does it still sting? My guess is that by now you don't want him back, but you don't like being the one that was left without understanding (accepting his BS) that you are to blame. i.e. there's no discernible reason other than he "didn't have those feelings" anymore.

That's not what you signed up for, when you talked about commitment, marriage and family, is it?

That's just a guess though. The thing is, you wouldn't take him back if he were struck by lightning and had a major epiphany. You just would not do that any longer. There was a time...

So if you don't want him, you're still at that point of pain that says, if I can't be happy and it's his fault, why should he be allowed to even look happy?? That's not fair...

And it's not fair. It's how it is.

The OW? It would actually be easier on you if he dumped her and then had a different GF. Easier on your ego. Not because OW is worth it, but because she represents. Believe me, OW is no prize. I'd chew my leg off to get away from that kind of crazy and drama...

You're making great progress WH. You really are, even if it's hard to see and feel. But you're doing awesome and doing all the right things. It's just going to take some time to get through it all. The more the legal stuff gets behind you, the easier it becomes...


AJ

Thanks Beatrice and AJ.

That is what is so disturbing. I don't want H back. I want my family, but H is just baggage that makes the load unbearable. Why do I care about him remarrying this OW? I know it will happen because H will want to "take care" of her. At least for a while.

I think the "mom" thing is what got me spinning. Until I stepped back and really looked at everything. S will never call her mom and D won't either. I was a stepmom and it is NOT easy. NOT AT ALL. There is major resentment. I remember H telling me he wanted me and SS to have a real mother/son connection like I have with S. I explained to H at the time that cannot and will not happen. SS has a mom that he loves very much and no matter how hard H wills it to happen, SS will never replace his mom with me and he shouldn't be expected to. I will never be more than an aunt figure to him. See how far this goes back? I am talking from when S was a toddler. H wanted me to replace his XW in every way, shape and form because he was still holding on to all that bitterness from that marriage. Now history is repeating itself. But I guess the harder H pushes the issue, the more pushback he will get from the kids.

I think H holds a lot of animosity toward me for not being a better stepmom. He blames me for his relationship with SS going down the toilet. He blames me for his relationship with his own family and mom going down the toilet. Little does he know that what he did (and continues to do) to me only pushes certain members of his family further away because he is making wrong choices like he did when he was in his early 20s. My SIL said he behaved differently only when he and I were together and now he is acting like she remembers him acting when he was younger.

So maybe I was not in love with H, but what H was trying to be and could not continue being? Maybe he honestly tried to be a better person but just couldn't keep up the facade any longer? Does it really matter? Does anybody really know what time it is? (Sorry, had to throw that in there).

H called me last night and asked me to run over to the house and let the dog out because he was "with clients". This morning he called and asked me to write a note to D's teacher so she could ride the bus home since she has dress rehearsal for her play tonight. So I guess he's nice as long as he wants something.

WH

So my attorney asked me if H has mentioned the bonus or given me any monies from the bonus. He has not done either. My attorney wants to file a complaint that H is contempt of court. And he wants to go after attorney fees as well.

I don't know what that means. I just know H will be seething. And I wonder how H will "punish" me or the kids for this. I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried.

What will be the point anyway? You can't get blood from a stone. I guess this will show the court H can't be trusted anyway and all income needs to be taken directly from the state. Anyone ever been through this?

WH

Personally I would say to do it. Since it's still relatively early in this process, he's probably testing to see what he can get away with. Like a child, if you slap his hand while it's in the cookie jar now, he'll know that he shouldn't play games with you.

If you let it slide, he'll take more and more advantage of you being a "nice gal".

WH,
Your attorney is doing the right thing. If you let this slide, he'll continue to do such things. Just as a child acts out, you need to correct them right then or they won't understand later on why they are being punished.

Now, about the dog and the note. In the future, your h is responsible for those things. He doesn't have the "right" any longer to tell you what to do. If a note needs to be written and it's on his watch, he needs to do it. He needs to find a way to ensure that the dog is let out, whether it's to give a key to the neighbor or put papers down...but that's his responsibility right now. You two are no longer together and the sooner he realizes that, the better.

I know, you think you have to be at his beck and call w/the children, but he's an adult and the amount of time it took for him to call you about the note, he could have written it. Stop being his mother and taking care of everything for him...he wouldn't do it for you. You are separated and heading for divorce...drop the rope and allow him to experience what it's going to be like with full responsibility for all of the child, pet and home issues. You are no longer responsible for what goes on over in that house.

Drop the rope! Your attorney is doing the right thing. So what if your h gets mad. He brought it on himself for lying, cheating and yes, stealing from you and the kids.

I know, Job. But the reason I wrote the note is because I took the kids to school this morning. I did it for D, not for H. I don't want to put her in the middle. And I am not making excuses, but I had to take S to soccer anyway and I wanted to see the dog. I think H knew that and he is just making me feel guilty and in his own way "prodding" me to see the dog and take it off his hands.

I don't really care if H gets mad, but I don't want him to take it out on the kids. H knows the kids are the only thing I really care about. He does need to learn a lesson, but I don't know what the judge will do? How do you force one to pay? How do you force one to do the right thing? H knows I have to pay this lawyer to make him do anything and I think he gets a charge from it.

It does serve him right and it is more of the house of cards crumbling into the sands. I just need to make sure my seatbelt is secured before hurricane H blows his stack.

WH

Allow the judicial system to do the work. If you are suppose to get some of the bonus, they generally will "order" him to pay the amount by a certain time. If it's not paid, he's in contempt of court and could very well pay a fine and have some jail time. It all depends upon the state and the judge.

I agree WH. You should file the complaint. You didn't ask for it. You didn't ask him to lie to you. And like a child, you need to set boundaries.

Your question has anyone else gone through it? Yep. Still am. My son will be 18 next year. Then most of it ends. I say most, because we have kids together and there will be "something" if she can that she will try. It's inevitable. A question of when.

Why am I worth it? <shrugs> Who knows? Who cares at this point.

You're not at that point of not caring. Of looking at it as "why not me?"

You said it yourself. He blames you for things. Like a child that doesn't want to take responsibility for his own actions.

That's his problem though. Yours are different and you need to take care of yours. And if he doesn't get mad about this, it'll be something else, real or contrived. Your actions won't matter to him because he is not rational. If he was, your actions would be friendly and would ease the tension. But it's not in your power. Put that load down, m'dear. Focus on you and the kids and what you can control.

Make sense?

AJ