I will try a timeline to at least help sort some of this.
2001 - we met 2001 - first child conceived by accident 2001 - she was living with her brother and I owned a home, she moved in with me. 2004 - She moved into her own house. We were both unhappy. I did not believe I wanted to be with her and was immature. 2004 - we started seeing each other again as we both realized we had feelings. 2006 - She gave me the boot because I would not commit to her (marriage). We discussed that I actually was wanting more and we were back together in a few weeks. 2009 - Conceived second child by accident. 2009 - I proposed. 2010 - We sold her house and moved back to mine and we bought other property to build a new home. 2013 - she took of engagement ring without even telling me........... I had to ask. 2013 - we sought counseling but I was not getting any answers. Counselor was BRAND new. 2014 - Just moved out. We told the counselor around 11/13 that we were done but I did add that I was not really done but agree that if she is not going to work on anything, nothing will change.
2 days after she moved out, I sent an email that I will always love her, yada, yada. She came back with she had some feelings come up after moving that she was not expecting, does love me, I am everything she wants as a life partner, BUT "we don't know how to do that".
A few days after there was a local show in town that I knew her and the boys would love (we did it every year). She agreed to go but cancelled the day before.
A few days after that, I sent an email to ask simply if we were done. Replied yes.
There is no cheating here, she was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue in 2013 which I looked it up and points right to me so I figured this would happen. She DOES NOT talk to me about anything deep. We chit chat until the pot boils over. We have never had a screaming match. I think there is some verbal abuse back and forth but that is it.
I have told her countless times that I am miserable because she does not seek to touch me, kiss me, hug me, and rarely have sex. I would say we were 2x/mo maybe and in our prime, 4x/mo which usually frustrated me.
Her entire family is divorced. Mom married 4x, dad 3x and died single, aunts/uncles all divorced. IMO, she is either wired or taught to run and she admits that. She has been so masterful at moving out in getting all the details worked out but she would not do that for our relationship.
Her prime issue with me right now is my job. We are both self employed but hers affords no growth. My ventures are costly both financially and time and she feels I am living on a penny and will never support her.
I did not pay for her other house. That was her decision and I was paying for my own. When she moved back, I paid all the housing bills, util, trash, car maint, etc. Yet in her eyes, I paid for nothing. She paid for food and the boys. I ALWAYS asked to sit down and look over finances but she won't.
SO.... She sees me as her ideal life partner, but says we are done. Her new place is 1 block away, I can almost see it. She says this is to make it easier for the boys. I am just unsure how to proceed here. She admits that she is blown away by how much I love her and attached to her and she could never learn to love like that.
Totally confused.... but I have had no contact for a week now. I am not going to end up on her door step begging.
Of course our 2 kids were accidents. Neither were planned. Actually the second was minutes away from abortion (in the clinic) but I got us out of there before we did something stupid.
At this point in time, I have had minimal contact with her in over a week. Actually I have not talked to her and ignore her boring emails about the boys. I am trying to keep things professional and clean cut.
She was asking about Easter and that it would be my weekend so could she send some stuff for them. I guess the way I see it, when she has them, she can do what she wants. When I have them, it is my time so I don't intend to incorporate her stuff into my time. IMO, she should have thought about missing half her Holidays with her kids BEFORE this happened.
I have no idea if my coldness will cause problems here but she has a bad habit of thinking things are a great idea until she does them. I know from talks in the past that me ignoring her totally ruffles her feathers too. I don't want to end up an ear to talk to, a friend to hang with, or a divorced parent to send the kids to when she needs to do something.
She grew up with parents that were divorced but got along great so she thinks we can just divorce but I can still come by for tea and visit the kids. I assured her in counseling, that won't happen. We are either together or we are not and I doubt my new wife would approve of my hanging out with my Ex.
I agree with the others. You've got alot of pride going through this and seem to take very little blame or responsibility for all this.
For example, you saying that the kids are "accidents". Everyone knows that those things can be controlled and even those controls are never 100%. So you were responsible and you knew the risk of what might happen.
Plus, the fact that you keep referring to your kids as accidents isn't something that a father does. Sorry but its true.
If you want to save your M, you're going to have to grow up a bit and learn to take responsibility for the things that you contributed to. Aside from your belief that your W's family was D'd which is why she might want to, just because you're married doesn't mean that she needs to stay married and be unhappy.
Just because you felt you were happy because your needs were being met doesn't mean that she was happy.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Bobby you sound very angry & hostile, whilst I understand your upset about the situation & feel your W has created this it seems unclear to me whether you intend on trying to save your marriage or if you'd prefer for her to leave you to create a new life & never contact you again?
Originally Posted By: bobby12
I have had minimal contact with her in over a week. Actually I have not talked to her and ignore her boring emails about the boys.
These are your children? Do you not want to know how they're doing?
You are BOTH their parents, what's the problem with her sending some things for the kids whilst they're with you at Easter? I don't think she's being unreasonable, it sounds like your being difficult to be perfectly honest.
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
I will admit that I still have penned up anger over the situation mostly because she refuses to sit and tell me what is bothering her and how we can fix it. It is always met with IDK.
I am 35, she is 38. I have sent an email trying to accept a LOT of responsibility but I just never felt like it was something outside repair. She admits that running is what she is good at. I am an engineer so a natural problem solver so I try to look at things maybe too mechanically.
Make no mistake, I love both our boys to death. I will admit that I have a special bond with our youngest for some reason. I wanted kids so I certainly do not regret it. However, in both situations, it was insisted that birth control was all we needed and she does not like condoms. The first one was a case where she took antibiotics which flushes the system. I guess EVERY girl knew this but her. I did not and was young...
I admit that I had some resentment towards our first because I was enjoying my single life when that happened and forced to grow up a bit. BUT, I know God was likely protecting me from my crazy self back in the day!! lol
She has put up with a lot from me. I asked her straight up in an email what the primary issue is with us and she said "mostly financial". I don't make enough money. I am not running up debt or anything but we have not been able to take big vacations and such or if she pays for them, then she hates me.
I am realizing my business ventures are hurting my life and working to correct those mistakes BUT it might be too late for that.
Everything I keep reading is to NOT be a puppy dog in these matters. I am trying to keep my head above water. I don't sleep well. I can't get her off my mind. I even dream about her every night. But who cares?
I noticed that she reviewed my Inet history before she left and found that I was researching "getting your wife back" as well as my visit to CL personals. I think she might think that I just want to run to some other quick fling but that is honestly the last thing I really want to do. I think I drink a few beers and the mind wonders but if it comes down to it, I doubt I could go there right now. Part of me thinks she might be waiting to see if I end up with a hussy at the house every night of the week.
Missed one. Yes, both the children are ours and neither of us have other children.
When I refer to "boring emails" I mean just stuff like "XX's stuff is in his bag".
I will further admit that I am still in a resentment phase of this deal. She seems to be falling right into the "divorced parent" roll super great fantastic. I did not grow up in a broken home so I don't know how it works.
