Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife moved out to be with her Tour Guide Lover

" It seems some of the other boards are filled with people whose marriages ultimately failed. I just don't want that for me. "

Sorry if you feel like there's a PERFECT and GUARANTEED solution out there but there isn't. It's the way life is. On the flip side, I can tell you about the many people who have saved their M as a result of DB including my own. But irregardless of what other's situations are, only YOU can control your own situation. There is no one-size fits all method.

You're going to have to do what works best in your situation. If things don't work out, it's not because of the technique you use it's because the issues in your M were so great that one person doesn't think it's worth saving.

That's just the way it is.

So if you're willing to save your M, then you are going to have to go into this with an open mind. You'll have many people suggesting things that you don't think is right, but you should pay attention anyway. They might see something that you don't.

Are you willing to do that?

I am willing to do what ever it takes.

Problem is my wife has regressed. She thinks this new relationship is her deserved life.

She calls it her Rebirth, she says the OM, saved her

She's free now, a free spirit, happy and gay,

Oy vey!

NEW DEVELOPMENT : Steve has seen the light, Don't all cheer at once!!!

What happened you ask, ask, maybe three margaritas with young attractive female sales reps maybe try to make sure my sons respect me! Who the heck knows but I have put together an entire script in my head for next Mondays meeting! This meeting is supposed to discuss delaying the divorce and her moving in the house to pay off the debt! But I shall call it STEVE THROWS HIS WIFE UNDR THE BUS..AND IT RUNS HER OVER!!

I can't post my " script " since this is on the internet, but let me elaborate.

I am at dinner on Margarita number two, enjoying the company of three young beautiful smart intelligent sweet professional woman!

My S15 texts me I am going to vomit.

Reason, his. POS Mom thought he was going in the shower, so she immediately called the POSOM, OH THE POOR ******* FROM ISRAEL IS MISSING HIS LOVER...she tells him he sounds forlorn (she loves using big words.) then she says oh you don't know what that means and......, S15 can't Stand it and goes in shower.

Son 15 confronts her !

Mom please don't call your boyfriend while I am home ( the coach said that too) she responded " you don't have to listen, I thought you were in the shower, besides I went in the basement "


S15: I was not listening I was getting ready for shower, he goes on to say Mom you can't call him when you come back here while me or dad are around ( again advice from the coach). Her retort " I can call whoever I want . When I come back it don't want to just be here to cleanup after you" s15 " what are you talking about? I mean I have lived here for months without you" POSmom " when I come back I want to be a free spirit, a free person" (this is the **** she told me she said I want to be free free like a butterfly). Boy is she fugged up in the head!

My 15 year old texts me WTF who the hell says that?

She then said " when I come back I'll go to the basement when I call him. Then she went upstairs and licked herself in the master bedroom.

I decided that's it. I can't stand this anymore it's killing my sons. Especially S15.

I am going to attack on Monday. It will either scare her to death or her claws will come out!

Maybe I'm unsure about something. Do you still want to save your M or not?

If you throw your W under the bus in whatever way you plan to do it, it's not going to go well. You spend so much time talking about your W and what she's doing wrong and the A, you never did address in detail what things happened in the M that may have caused her to look elsewhere.

You have to understand that right now it's how your W chooses to live. Alot of it she's trying to justify to herself. But that phase fades out. It happens in the majority of the A's on here.

Your first priority should be your son. He needs you. Seeking revenge against your W isn't going to do that. Your son seeing your anger and retaliation is how he is going to grow to treat women. I'm not saying that you need to be a doormat, but you learn that it's not about you. This is something she has chosen to do. Forcing her to think otherwise is just going to make her cling even harder to OM.

Did you even read DB?

Oh and btw. If you start doing a slash and burn it justifies her idea of you being controlling. How you must have things YOUR way. Right now just protect you and your son.

I love your insight. You see I want to save my marriage, I think having her move back in for an I house separation is the best thing.

The problem is I am confused. Mother other boards,I was on before I found this board,where all telling me to basically screw her over. But thats not me. I feel like I need to be the firm, stern grow up here. I know she's in a little girl fantasy. I believe let her think she is free love and peace and all that. But when OM goes back to Israel, I will have time to work on my marriage.

That is why I am so desperate for people to join my thread. I need a lot of help right now.

I really do!

that is why I am here to find the best way to love her from a far.

Oxford,

So your W is going to move back into the marital home and live separately from you. She is moving in with the understanding that this is a financial agreement only and she is still free to pursue whatever she chooses, with whomever she chooses, correct?

Boundaries.

That is all you can do at this point. You need to establish boundaries quickly in order to not only protect yourself but also to protect any salvageable piece of your M.

Get the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend and read it as quickly as you can before she is in your home.

You are going to need to sit down with her and discuss your boundaries before she fully moves in to the house.

These are NOT ultimatums. These are not limits on what she does. These are not controls put on her by you. These are YOUR boundaries. Lines that if crossed will violate your personal beliefs and establish distrust.

Simple? NO WAY! Necessary? Absolutely!

Establishing and enforcing boundaries in your life takes practice and diligence but can lead to a much better R in the end.

Good luck.

Remember. The only control you have at all is control of your own reactions and actions. She will do what she is going to do with no interference or help from you.

"before I found this board,where all telling me to basically screw her over."

Yeah that's not normally good for saving a marriage.

The collaborative coach is helping us with boundaries. I will try and get that book and read it ASAP.

Also it will post a post about our marriage and the dynamics shortly.
I need to edit it because 28 years makes for a long description. But let's put it this way.
The marriage was somewhat abusive, two way abuse, enough that I was going to leave her a few years ago.

On her side she says her soul went numb many many years ago even though she still loved me.