Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Wishing You Were Here and then Setting It On Fire

Thanks for stopping by my thread. Don't you wish there was a vanishing cream for all of these strange men? Rub it on and they go away, and stay away, Best for everyone I think!

Hey Bea, you know, I really don't feel I have any right to complain about my random pings from Skippy given the revenge your MLC-man seems to taking out on you for being stable and happy. A vanishing cream - like bear grease? I think we could come up with something!

Eric, always making me think!



I don't answer every text, so at this point I think the result would be the same - either that or no more texts at all.



I guess I could, but I was really just wondering from a curious point of view. WE are taught to not have expectations, but the MLCer is not and has a rather warped view of the world. I find it curious, in his mind - are we friends?



IMO, they never really do. Making a stance for you, is not going to erase the good times. [/quote]

I am not sure what you mean by "making a stance for me". In any event, I don't expect the memories to go away. After 18 years, some are bound to stick.



Why do I respond? Because it seems impolite to ignore anyone (never held a grudge in my life) and it seems passive agressive. If I am not responding because I truly want to slam that door shut on everything, I believe in saying so explicitly. I am interested to see how all of this plays out, so when I get asked a question, I answer. It's only a text.

Eric, what do you think my responses "mean"? To him? To me? I am a little too long in the tooth at this to still believe that my "yes, I did get my car out of the snow bank" has any deeper meaning other than I didn't have to resort to the bus.



Maybe. It might be fun to scream at him for a while and make him squirm. But the reality is that we are now 1000 miles apart and perfectly independent of each other and the most "contacting at a whim" that I get bothered with is a random text less than once a month. I do not contact him and to do so that I can open up the blood-letting is drastically unappealing to me. Because likely he knows that I am angry but like everything else, has lied about it to others. No talk is going to fix that.



What do you see as taking my power back?



Cheers!

Portia,

You and me...let's get working on that spa treatment! I could use one.

But the reality is that we are now 1000 miles apart and perfectly independent of each other and the most "contacting at a whim" that I get bothered with is a random text less than once a month.

That was my "reality" as well with Ms. Wonka. We're currently more than 1,000 miles apart. Ms. Wonka texted me about once a month...prior to that it was once a year to wish each other HBD. You may not like Skippy's pace, but it is what it is at the moment. For sure, I wanted MORE contact from Ms. Wonka, but I had to be in the place of acceptance that SHE was most probably comfortable with texting once a month.

Ever since my apology letter to her, it ensued a phone call from Ms. Wonka (at her request) and now she's reaching out to me more and more. The main thing for me is STFU and let Ms. Wonka lead the dance.

That is the thing with "expectations"...I am wondering if it is your set of internal "expectations" that are making you stuck in the anger square and "expecting" him to text/contact you more frequently. Is that what you feel here?

I no longer 'expect' Ms. Wonka to contact me every month. It is a nice gift when she contacts me and I act accordingly. Sometimes I'll initiate a text if something funny comes up or just humorous random stuff happens that I know Ms. Wonka would appreciate (and laugh).

What would "unbother" you here, Portia? Is that something you can control from your perspective? What about Skippy?

I do not contact him and to do so that I can open up the blood-letting is drastically unappealing to me.

It sounds like this to me:

"If I contact Skippy, I will GO FOR THE JUGULAR." Is that a fact, Portia?

How about this:

"If I contact Skippy, I cannot be offended and can remain calm."

Because likely he knows that I am angry but like everything else, has lied about it to others.

Honey, this comes across as mindreading to me. Am I right? Are you saying that Skippy has lied to other people about you angry? If yes, then SO what? Why do you care so much about what he says about you to other people?

In my case, I have heard word get back to me that Ms. Wonka has demonized me when leaving me...boy that hurt! Still doesn't or didn't stop me from chipping away at that large glacier---Ms. Wonka. We're talking 10 years of this!! Phew!

Hey Wonka!

Yes, totally sign me up for the Spa!

Let's see if I can answer some of your questions. I think that my communication skills must be dropping because on the whole, I am actually OK.

Not that I don't have my moments, I do. But I am way more up than down and in truth, on my good days do not really think of SO.


No. My anger still stems from how he felt entitled to treat me before I had the sense to back right off and leave him alone. The countless lies, profound disrespect and the abandonment.

I truly have no expectations when it comes to how frequently or even if he contacts me at all. (In fact, I am surprised that I still do hear from him after all this time but given the experience of both Job and Bea, I can't say they did not warn me.)There have been months when I have not heard a peep.

Now, I will confess that I can't help but think sometimes "I wonder when he will contact me again?", "I wonder if he will send me a birthday card?" but unlike at the beginning, I am not attached to either outcome anymore.

This was actually referring to Eric's message and whether or not I was bothered or annoyed when he "contacts me on a whim" (or at least that was my interpretation of what Eric said!) My reply was that these "pings" really were not a bother in that sense.



Sorry, looks like I messed up the quotes. Technology. Anyway, this was actually an answer to Eric's question: Why not tell him how angry you are?

I have no fear of losing control of myself anymore. What I was trying to convey is that since our contact is simply these random pings to contact him for the purpose of describing (however calmly) how angry I am just does not interest me. The "blood-letting" might have been a bit graphic but when two people have not truly spoken to each other in a long time, picking any of those scabs does not make sense to me. If ever we reconnect, then there is a time and a place for opening up wounds, but it is not now.


Guilty. You are right, I don't know that he is still telling people that I am the one who won't talk to him. He sure did at the beginning - I have it in black and white. But I don't know that he still is doing so.
But given that MLCers rewrite history and make themselves look good, might that be an educated guess?

And why does it matter? I know it shouldn't. I do. But it does bust my buttons that he may be telling everyone that I am so fine with his decision to move on and therefore, he looks like he is the good guy after all. But it sounds like we all go through our partners doing that to us on some level.

(On some level, don't you just love those people who take out billboards on their cheats? Some of them are awesomely creative!)

Wonka, I was reading along your MLC thread and found it very interesting. I think it must be a difficult thing to go through. I am happy for your sake that you came through. I don't know that Skippy ever will. Or maybe he has and I am simply uninformed? The blessing of having a vanisher.

But I have closed that door. He will have to knock now if he wants back in. I remember being told by the vets that if he wanted back in my life there would be no mistaking it. I don't think "pings" count.

I have bad days, especially when I let my stress level get too high and I spin with him on my mind. Some of that is attributable to the depression. But for the most part, I am OK. Wish this did not happen, but accepting that it did.

I also admire that you sent Ms. Wonka a letter. I don't think it is ever too late for a sincere acknowledgment of how much you hurt someone.

Thanks Wonka!

Let me start by saying I just about could have written much of your post. I feel ya, sister. But this one interests me.

Why DO you care still? Why does it still bust your buttons?

I know in my case, it did both me for a long (too long?) time. I really don't care any longer. I don't want to talk to her, but I don't care if I do. I don't care what she says or does. It really makes no difference in my life any more.

So I'm curious if it's just a place you're currently at on the journey or if there's more to it?

AJ

Hey Portia. Who cares what he tells others? Those that know you, know the truth. So do you. Im thinking those are the only ones who matter.

I also think that most people, when they hear the stuff these MLCers are saying, can see around it. If they cant, not your problem, right?

I know you are doing well. Keep going.

Portia,

I fully expected to come here and read that you found a fabulous Spa and spent the this past weekend in total bliss! Do we have to come and get you and drag you to one? LOL I know that you'll do it one day, even if it's just out of curiosity.

I do understand the feelings of anger but as everyone has suggested, it does go away with time and the resolve to let it go once and for all. If that means not replying or blocking his texts, not answering his calls or something else then try it. You'll find the right solution for you. I wouldn't worry about why he continues to want or need contact with you or whether there is a gf or not. If he's truly trying to reconnect, he will find a way to reach you.

Time for me to head to bed now. Take care, my late night friend and thanks for posting on my thread! Can't post there for awhile but I'm around.

Hi Portia

Applogies for the late response…


I try to. I always try and provide a perspective that I see – sometimes I am right…and sometimes I am wrong.



How do you know that in his mind you are friends? Maybe you are maybe you are not. I guess the question still is why does it matter to you – at least now?


What I was trying to communicate was that on some level, sometimes when you receive a text from Skippy that it appears to annoy you or bother you on some level. So…the “making a stance for you” statement was that maybe it is time for you to let him know in no uncertain way that you really do not want to receive his texts anymore. Having said this, based on some of your other comments in this thread, it appears that skippys texts do not bother you as much and that you fine (I have no doubt that you are fine). It appeared to me as if they did keep you on some level connected or stuck and based on some of your previous posts, I thought you were trying to get “unstuck”. I hope I explained this well and I apologize in advance if it is not coming across clear.



PORTIA, I may have misread some of your earlier posts and for that I apologize. Are you still standing and hoping that Skippy comes back? If you are then, I totally understand your response above. If you are not – then I guess my only point would be…why are you worried about how a lack of response would be interpreted. I suspect, that you would still like Skippy back (albeit a different version of him) and that is okay.



I was not thinking of it as “fun” per se. Rather, if needed (by YOU) to let him know really how you feel. This would IMO, help let go some of the anger. I am not promoting it per se and I believe that the better way to deal with the anger is to let it go…as best as you can. I do though also believe that sometimes – you need to express how you feel to the MLCer. It really depends on the person. So when I wrote this, I was trying to say that you should not be afraid to let him know how you feel IF that is what you felt you needed to do, to get through the angry feelings.



The short answer is….not being angry anymore. IMO, being angry (although understandable)…regardless of what level of anger (really pissed off or mildly upset) is not good for you. IMO, it gives him some level of power over you. Does that make a bit more sense? I understand you may not agree with my opinion.



Can I come? (that was a joke – although I do love to get my feet done)



So what ideas do you have to get over the anger that you have every right to feel?



Totally understandable to feel this way and think this. Is this though..where you really want to be? Once again, if you are still hoping that Skippy comes back I totally understand. If you want to really move forward with your life today, living in the moment – then I think you need to try to understand and reframe some of these thoughts.


That was the correct interpretation. I still wonder though if deep down inside, these text affect you on some level. Maybe “bother” is not the right word. Maybe….”keeping you connected when you do not want to be” is a better way for me to articulate how I interpret your post regarding Skippy’s communication with you.


I am walking dead fan – that was not graphic to me (another joke).


AJ said it much better than I did and with far less words – The issue that I see is why do you really still care? To me, it means that you are still attached on some level emotionally. Hence – why a lot of what I am trying to communicate is for you to finally cut the cord and begin to really heal, I am not saying you have not healed (some) and I’m not saying that you are a wreck – your not, at least I do not think you are. Maybe it is how I read your posts – I dunno – it sometimes just seems like you want to be free from all of this but there is this one thing that keeps you connected…and just as you are ready to break free – BOOM another text from Skippy.


Portia I am so sorry if my posts upset you or if I am misreading you. I am responding to what I see in your threads, which like everyone is always colored by my own personal experiences. Wishing you mucho happiness and joy.

Hello Everyone!

Eric, not at ALL. I am so very grateful for all of you here who look out for me and challenge me.

NLT, I wish - but I did book a facial and pedicure for just before Easter. Sorry about the invasion of privacy; if you feel you need to chat, feel free to post on my thread, it's open late night!





Right and right, Eric. I am NOT "standing" for this relationship but I am in the undecided column as to whether or not I would be willing to try a different sort of relationship or try again.

It's the ole, if I don't know what to do, I am not doing anything. Someone (anyone) asks a question and I answer. Truth is, as time goes on I feel less and less like there is any point in even keeping communication open. When I decide that is enough, I will say so directly. For now, the status quo does not bother me even if I do think it is strange to be pinged every so often.

Is responding to the pings keeping me connected? Yes, probably a little. Some communication means the story isn't over. Since I am not looking to date right now and the pings do not send me into a tailspin (at least not for the longest time,now) I will live with that.

I believe it was you, Eric, who said I sometimes have the perspective of a scientist. I do. As a result, I can't help but be curious as to what happens next, if anything at all. His journey put me on one of my own but I am still curious about his journey even if I am not actually personally invested to the same extent as I once was.

UR, NLT, AJ and Eric, you all asked me the same question: WHY does it matter what he is telling people?

I know you are all so right when you say it should not matter what he is saying to others. I had to really think about the "why". Because I just am....

The best explanation I can give is that it feels like an injustice. Like brushing off what has been a very traumatic experience. By saying that I am totally fine with him seems to give him a pass - like saying no harm done. UR, you are no doubt right that people will see through that and who cares if they don't. Strangely, I am more peeved that he gets to say that like he believes it. Maybe he does believe it.

Distilled into its purest form - I don't want anything to imply that his choice and actions were OK with me. I recognize I still need to work on that.

Thank you for explaining about the anger; that isn't what I thought you meant and I could not make my version make sense so I am glad I asked. Eventually I will lost the anger. Sometimes though, the anger is my friend preventing me from wallowing or contacting him. Sometimes the anger is my power.


This is totally true. The timing of the texts is sometimes uncanny. My mother used to accuse me of telepathy. The last bit of attachment. Chances of he and I even coming to good terms let alone starting a new relationship are slim to none, so yes it would be nice to be free.

I want to be where AJ is, but I am not there yet:



Thank you all for your thoughts and posts.