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Postpone = I don't know

in a LBS world. I'm glad that you are each growing. Maybe your paths will intersect again someday (soon )

I need some advice regarding our current sitch with the kids/parenting time.

Currently, my H has the kids on Wednesday and Friday evenings. He also takes the kids to school in the morning on M,W,F. We have a family day on Sunday.

We are moving into springs sports season. This year is the first time that S5 and S3 will both be playing on teams, which will be sending us in opposite directions.

H called today to see how we wanted to handle things. Their games will be on Saturdays (my normal day with the kids). H also wants to be able to take the kids out individually to practice outside of the normal games/practices. The problem that arises if that you cant practice with S5 or S3 when the other kids are around because it is simply a circus. Both of us would prefer to be with the other kids (who are not practicing) as opposed to having a family member/babysitter.

We both want to be involved with the kids activities. I realize that this is a good problem to have. But how in the world do I keep boundaries and start moving on with my life if my H is so involved (again I realize that this is a good thing)? While it may be okay for the moment, I cant imagine how this would play out long term if he filed for D.

I had a conversation with H last night about the kids. We kind of left it up in the air. I really am not sure what to do. I actually think that it has more to do with my mindset than actual logistics.

H has no problem with a flexible schedule. I know this based upon his comment months ago that he pictures us having family dinners even if he is remarried. He still thinks that this is a no brainier.

When I expressed some hesitation, H made a point to say that I should focus on doing what is best for the kids (insert eye roll coming from the guy who admits that he gave up and refuses to try to keep our family intact). He believes that the kids are fine now because we are both better parents. I told H that I agree that we are both better parents, but that does not mean they are fine. They deserved for us to be amazing parents from day one. He claims that they get everything that they would receive if we were together. I agreed that they are getting lots of love, but that they are still missing out. Twice this week the boys cried because we could not all eat dinner as a family. I know that the kids will service. I just hate that he down plays the consequences of his actions.

H then said that he understood if I did not want to make a change because I was "frail" and it would be hard for me. I literally wanted to punch him in the face but I remained calm. He apologized immediately and said that frail was the wrong word. It has nothing to do with being frail. I deserve some level of respect!

OW is still in the picture. H refuses to cut ties with her at the moment. While I can be friendly and can communicate regarding the kids, I dont want him in my life on a daily basis. I dont want to do anything to hurt my kids, but I feel like I need to leave this sitch with some self-respect intact.

If my H cared so much about the kids, then we would be willing to cut ties with the OW to allow us to have a friendship regardless of whether we R or D.

Any advice? I really need help getting back on track.

3B

IMO, this ^^^ is problem number one. YOU are not sure. Add to this problem….

This ^^^…..
The two above quotes is the issue that I see. You are still hurt, understandably so, but it is the HURT that is driving your choices.
Figure out what you want and what you can live with. You cannot expect for him to change, leave ow, or to be the type of friend that you want him to be. What you can do, is determine what you want.

This is good on one one level but on another it is not. Flexibility is good for everyone; however, who defines the flexiablity? That is where I can see an issue. For example…both you and H are sharing the kids, being flexiable – all of sudden H or YOU say that you have something to do and need the other to watch the kids. Who will need to be flexiable. IMO, an agreement can be written with legal language that says “flexiable”; however, there should be a default for those cases where you both do not agree.

IF his actions are consistent with his words, then that is a really good thing. The eye rolling comment though screams of hurt on your part still. FTR, I get it but you need to separarte the M from the parental responsibility. Otherwise, your emotions (right now hurt) drive what you allow and not allow vs what is really best for the kids. It is a tough road to walk 3B – it really is but rememeber, life is fluid and it changes. H may be a great dad today and could end up being a d*ck in the future – if that happens, then you modify the parenting plan.

In one aspect he is right. You are correct though in saying that “they are not fine”. My only comment would be…why say it? Do you still think that something YOU say is gonna somehow snap his arse out of it? If so, then think again – ACTION will speak. Your and HIS.

(((hugs))…Yep it [censored]. They are gonna cry. IMO, this is where YOU can make a difference for THEM. You can explain to them that they will have dinner with Daddy on X day and that maybe sometime in the future they will have dinner with mom and dad. This is where you can show them strength, you can show them that regardless, even if the family unit is changing it STILL IS A FAMILY. Just a little different than what they are used to. You can also help show them how to ACCEPT change and how not to be afraid of change. Lessons they will keep for life.

STOP EXPECTING something different from him. EXPECTATION = DISAPPOINTMENT, which leads to hurt, anger and fustration. ACCEPT where he is today. It takes a lot of practice 3B…a lot…but you can get there.

OW is NOT the problem. Yes she is a husband, cheating piece of xxx…but she is really not the problem – at least not now. The more you focus on her and their R, the more this is gonna eat at you every day. He is not going to cut ties with her, until he decided to. Notice he controls his actions? Hence YOU control YOURS. You also do not have to be “friendly” – civil is just fine. Since you guys have kids he will be in your life on some level. Just remember that YOU determine what the level is! Don’t walk to talk to him – don’t pick up the phone. Don’t want to see him. Don’t answer the door (with the exception of when it is his scheduled day with the kids). IMO, you are so afraid of what to say or do, for fear of losing him. I say F it! Stop being afriad. Tell him how you feel i.e. “no H you, me and your OW are not going to sit down and have dinner like the brady bunch family until I am ready. Do not bring this issues up to me again.” Then, IF he brings it up again – you do not respond.
The OM may play a role in the kids lives. They will never ever be YOU – mommy. Never. On the contrary, she may help you in an indirect way…… she may help your H with the kids, which gives YOU some time to GAL and enjoy YOUR life.

Think about this for a sec…..I suspect that YOUR definition of friends is different than his. He probably knows that. So 3B…seriously, RIGHT NOW do you want to be friends with your H, who has an OW? I suspect not, in the future maybe …now..no. You need to heal first and get over the hurt, you need to step back and fall in love with you and figure out what YOU want YOUR life to be….then and maybe then….you can decide IF you want to be friends with H. My gut tells me…that the way you will feel months from now is VERY different than you feel today.

FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT
BEGIN TO REALLY DETACH FROM H
CONTINUE TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR THE KIDS AND YOU (H and OW are on their own)
GAL
KEEP HEALING.

That is my advice.

I want to expand this a bit...

(Although after a 15,000 word ePicmsant2 post, there isn't any more left) : )

Expectations are formed from expecting positive things as well as the negativity in your life.

Expecting that he will do something that doesn't happen, will lead to you being frustrated...

Just remember that you expecting him NOT to do something, will lead to the same frustrations....

So go easy with ANY expectations...




Now, we return to the preface the next epic novel...

jk buddy, you know I luv ya....

And now I am crying - love ya too...

Can someone say.."group hug"! Naked?

Eric - Your first post made my eyes fill with tears...your second one made me bust out laughing

I need to soak in your first post for a bit!

Can we not ??

I think I like that option better...

You don't give me enough money to switch teams...

Jus sayin

Mach

Can we not and say we did? This is a variation of both of our thoughts?

Who said switch teams? Are you leaving me now?

Oh...and ummm....how much will it cost?

ROTFLMAO.

Great post up there, Eric. I feel like I have kind of lost my way lately with DBing, and have gone more the way of just being pissed off at my H and annoyed by his increasingly selfish behavior. I need to reset, and what you posted above is a great place to for me to start.

3boyz, I am curious whether you have spoken with a child Psych about your sitch at all. I think that we, as mothers, tend to think we know what is best for our kids. And I think that we do, for the most part. But, I know I have to admit that as much as I try, in this crazy emotional situation, I am not sure I can entirely separate my desires from the best interest of my kids. I did speak with someone right around BD, but now that we are discussing permanent plans, I am going to see another expert who can help me to make the right decisions. What I am wondering about in your case is the family time - I wonder if that is confusing your boys and that is making this harder on them. I'm not saying it is, I am no expert. Just saying it's something I would want to ask about. In fact, I will likely ask that question myself. First I wanted family time because I was trying to get H back. Now I don't want to be around him, but he wants it for the stated reason that the kids should see we get along (but I think it's really because he thinks that the kids won't be as mad at him if they think I like him). Anyway, none of that matters other than what is best for them, which is why I think it's good to have a neutral opinion from someone who is familiar with this stuff.

And 3, I am struggling right there with you with a lot of the same things. Just remember that, back at BD, we never thought we would be where we are now, right? So we are capable of a lot of growth, and I think that as long as we keep practicing and doing our best, taking the great advice here, and moving forward, we will get to the place we ultimately want to be.

(((3)))