Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need help saving my family - part 5

What 3boyz said:



Spot on.

I agree with the others that you being nice is getting you nowhere. Every time you are nice to her, you are just showing her that she has all the power here.

I KNOW you don't want to be "not nice" to your W. I get it. 100%. I have been through this same thing. Guess what? My H still wants to D me, and all my being nice has done has convinced him that he can screw me over more.

I can't believe that your W walks out, takes the kids with her, doesn't allow you to see them (well, not nearly enough, anyway) and then demands that you sell the house so she has money? WTF? Please, stand up for yourself!

BTW, standing up for YOU is not the same as controlling, so being a doormat is not a 180. When you say you want more time with your kids, you are not controlling her. Refusing to do everything on her warp speed timeline is not controlling HER.

If you want to send one more email and give her one more chance, go for it. If she refuses to acknowledge, or once again rejects, your shared custody proposal, then will you feel justified in moving forward with the legal process?

What email did you end up sending her?

Mel, thanks for the input. I am still getting my head used to the idea that things with my W are basically over. I hadn't really thought I was being a doormat but looking back on the past 5 months, yeah I suppose I was. I may have lost a bit of respect from her in doing that too. Oh well, nothing I can do about that now, live and learn.

I haven't sent her anything yet but I'm thinking of going with Barry's suggestion.

W,
I understand that you would like to settle the house quickly. Our kids are our first priority and I would like to develop a parenting plan with you as soon as possible so the kids are able to spend equal time with us. Please let me know what you need from me in order to make this happen.

I will be at D6's school to pick her up on Friday.

Ok, firs of all, as I told others, this is not a race to end in 4 days, we dont know why she is behaving this way and I have a feeling that you are trying to control her outgoing with your kids....
When you are in war you have wisely to choose which battles to fight... Will you go with a knife to fight 30 guys with ak-47? Hmmm maybe no right? You will spend time thinking and clarifying the best strategy.
So here you come asking for advice to all of us and all we can do is listen to you and give you emotional advice, ANY OTHER ADVICE, its kind of dangerous...
Would you go ask this things to the bartender of the restaurant where you had lunch 3 months ago?
Ok so calm down, take a breath, go for a walk enjoy the sun and give all this to the universe, I think you might be an impatient person and one that doesnt really love himself, well guess what, in your actual state of feelings you might ending loosing all.
She has no money... Is that your problem? No, you are responsable for yourself and the well being of your kids, if she cant afford to have them thats her problem and all you can do its accept that.
She doesnt want to be with you right now, thats fine, accept that, whatever she is doing or not doing its not your responsability, its hers and you know why she maybe is doing what she is doing? Because she knows that you are behind her to hold her when she falls....are you helping her doing that? Nop you are hurting her way more than what you think, le her choose her decissions, you choosed yours when you were a teenager and you loooved when nobody judged you for that, because of that accepting of the universe you learned...
Do the same here, apply the sandi rules, cut absolutelly all contact, just choose to pick up kids and thats it, dont email her about nothing else,
Accept that she needs to behave like that right now, but put boundaries.... You want to use me? Fine I am not gonna respond to you while you do that, you wanna insult me? Fine I am not gonna respond to you... You wanna talk to me calmly and in a mature way about whats the best for the kids? Here you are, now I will give you my time...
And thats all, look she can choose many things and the least you accept her choices and the more you judge her, the more painfull she is going to make it for you... You need to set the boundary of space and time now and not respond her untill you are ready... Let her do crazy stuff or whatever she feels, in a court of law and for God you will always be the father of those kids so just believe that one day all this will be much different... The way to make it different? Not acting on fear just accept, and accept and accept... And please dont sent no emails, just a super short one saying that from now on this are the days I want to pock up the kids....

Great post ye21, you made some great points that I needed to hear.

I've started to realize that my W hasn't had to face losing me. I'm so available to her that she likely thinks she could have me back any time she wanted. As long as she feels that way she's not going to face what losing our M really will be like. Also, being so nice to her regardless of how she's treated me has given her a green light to treat me however she feels like. Not cool.

I have just begun to understand what detaching is but I have a ways to go. I took off my ring this last weekend and I don't plan on putting it back on. I went out with some friends this past weekend, even got up on stage and played a song with a band for the first time in 6 months, so that was great. I'm starting to make plans for my kids and myself and not thinking about my W in those plans at all. I'm getting there but it's going to take more time.

A couple more things, she doesnt have to face nothing, and you havent been nice or bad, you just being you acting out of fear, thats all. Accept it just like that, now you dont have to be mean or become a demon... Be loving with your kids and with yourself and you will be able to see things in a different way, you will be able to accept her totally and love her in a much different way no matter if she stays or she leaves.
Follow sandi rules, do that 180 for you and only you and start tomorrow, you have the right to be happy joyous and free, no matter what. Fight for that freedom and you will have whatever you want in your life now focus on you, thats the biggest gift life its giving you

Thanks again ye21. I've obviously still been thinking far too much about my W. I'm still taking things one day at a time, maybe even still hour to hour at times, but I'm getting there.

Did you send the email yet?

OK Scorp, so I went back last night and read through all your threads. I’ll give you my honest take on it as an outside observer but I’m going to warn you that I’m not going to paint a pretty picture.

I see a lot of similarities in you and that is why I'm offering.

Sure Drew, honesty is always what I'm after. I haven't sent the email yet.

Let me start off by saving that I believe in marriage and I believe in DB. DB saved my marriage in 2000 and saved me in 2007.

This is the situation as I see it:

April 2013: She consults with a lawyer. When you catch her, and only after you catch her, she tells you that she’s only protecting yourself in case you leave her. Really? Looking back do you really believe that now based on what has happened?

October 3, 2014: You come home from work, she and the kids are gone, and the police are waiting for you. You don’t get into a lot of details here (which makes me wonder) but apparently she tells the police that you threatened her six months ago and she has you arrested. Several times you are asked what the outcome of this was and you finally answer vaguely that you think it’s behind you because she “decided not to go any further with it AT THIS TIME.” This is key, I’ll come back to it.

At this point your best move would probably have been to file and immediate injunction against your W stating she removed your children from the family home without your permission, moved them four hours away, and is denying you access to them. You could make a strong case to return them to “what they are accustomed to.” However, she would fire back that she’s afraid of you, you’ve been arrested for harassment/battery/whatever it was, the kids aren’t safe with you, etc.

Now five months have passed and as people have repeatedly told you, you’ve done nothing tangible other than talk to a lawyer and ask for 50/50 custody via email. Now what the kids are accustomed to is living with their grandparents, going to school there, and seeing their father infrequently.

You also say that things have improved on that front because you had the kids for a whole week which included an extra two days at your daughters request. What you missed is that your W specifically said that this would never happen again and you shouldn’t put your daughter in the position of having to choose between her parents. And I agree with her.

Speaking of 50/50 custody, you say you want it but are you really aware of all that it involves? I have had 50/50 custody of my three children for over six years and let me tell you it’s not always easy. Are you prepared to adjust your work schedule when they are with you? Stay home when they are sick? Get them to and from school and all afterschool activities? Have everything they need at your house so they are not going back and forth? Adjust schedules in case you ever have to travel?

I’m curious what the waiting period is for a divorce in Canada. The actual time varies by state down here, but most state that you have to be separated for 6, 12, 24 months before a divorce can be finalized UNLESS both parties agree to waive this requirements. You need to ask your lawyer this if you already haven’t.

She’ll only communicate with you through her mother. You think that her parents are a strong influence on what she’s doing. Now brace yourself, but it appears that there is another person influencing her. It appears that she’s already in a relationship with someone else based on Facebook and your kids saying mommy texts him all the time.

Here’s what I think her gameplan is. She’s been planning this a long time and so far it’s all going according to plan:

She’s got a lawyer.
She has a definite separation date and the clock is ticking.
She’s established a new living arrangement for the children, with plans to establish a new home for them once financially viable.
She’s established that you’re comfortable with only seeing them every other weekend.
She’s got an ace in the hole that if you threaten to bring them back to your province, she’ll bring up your arrest.
She’s got the divorce petition already written up and let me tell you that it will be harsh. Marriage is irrevocably broken due to repeated mental cruelty, mentioning your arrest.

Look, I know this is harsh. BUT, I think you need to open your eyes to your new reality. DB says do more of what works. What you’re doing isn’t working.

Also another thing that helped me: Realize that things are the way they used to be and they never will be. But that doesn’t mean things in the future have the be the way they are now. But you have to take action to change that.

AGAIN you need to address custody NOW!!

To put it bluntly: You need to take your b*lls back. Because she’s got you right by them.