Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Part 2-H moving out

Hi BG,

As sad as I feel sometimes watching what feels like someone else's life ( it is my own) and listening to my kids say stuff about a man who used to be devoted to his kids, the choice is laugh or cry. It's always good to find the humor.

Job, BG or anyone ? H sent me a text stating that one of his new college friends suggested he see a therapist before his next relationship. Should I respond to this or just let this one go?

You guys give the best advice. Thanks

I would let it go
H may be trying to get a reaction
Hang in there
Peace

Thanks Peace. I agree. No response is best.

GB- I don't know what kind of response would be positive here, so I agree to just ignore it. "Before his next relationship" is unusual and inappropriate. It seems as though he is crying out for help/attention whether it's positive or negative.

Thanks BG. He is an attention seeker and is extremely sensitive which brings me to..,,,,

I' m just venting. Part of what attracted me to h was his sensitivity. He always had employment woes and now has a job where he works a great deal and seems to enjoy it. Even though he did a 180 , hangs out with people 15 years younger and had a ton of MLC script , I believe my constant rejection hurt him and I wonder if we could ever be anything again anyway. He says I told him if he didn't get me pregnant with a. 3 rd kid, I would get pregnant by someone else. I never recalled doing that, but that hurt him immensely. I don't remember saying it but I guess it's possible I did.

I don't know. I'm very hurt that he used the term " I don't want this relationship to work ." I take that as it could, but I don't want it to. I'm just better off not seeing or hearing from him. And yes , I know I rejected his LL ( touch ) over and over. I'm not sure why I did. I do know I love him and I'm so very hurt that he won't give us a chance.

He says he's broken and empty but I wonder if he really did love me ? He says he always loved me more than I loved him and I wasn't committed. He is the one who left. He said he is broken and empty. Isn't this crazy what in about to admit? I'm afraid he will finally address his issues and be better for someone else and not me. I know that's selfish of me as I'm trying to work on my intimacy issues, need to be right, and allowing myself to be vulnerable. It always bothered me the way he struggled to be around the kids ( no coping skills) but I
Like everyone else here did not want a broken family.

Maybe he isn't in MLC. Maybe he just got sick of my rejection and crap. Ugh. I'm sorry to throw up. I'm just in a place. I'm sorry to be a downer.

Again just venting. I guess I don't understand if he loved me more hoe he could just leave and not want to work on it. Honestly , h is in such a place I think he just wants someone to meet his version of love. Our MC said he had such an unrealistic and romanticized view of marriage and well , I would have liked some of those things he did. He just didn't communicate them with me. I don't know. I just wish he had not dropped this on me back in Dec, vilified me for everything in his life , not closed the door on me, and acts all happy around his new friends. Yes. I must nuke the victim mentality here. I cannot control him but I can control my feelings.

Right now my feelings are pretty $h!Tty. Sorry. I'm rambling.

GB-
none of this is your fault, you have to let go. that just means give him space, find something to take your mind off these thoughts. We all have them. It's hard to make sense of something so nuts, you really can't. You are a GOOD person, nothing is going to change that. I know it's hard to not let them affect you and your moods. There is nothing you can say or do to change this, just have to let it play out. I know you know all these things from reading on the boards, you're just having a bad night . I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. Maybe go do a workout, take a walk, talk to God (if you are spiritual). I too go over it in my head constantly, always the same result - I feel like I have 2 options, 1 is roll over and die and 2 is keep on living and I choose 2. You're young, this is temporary, yes it hurts like he// but you will grow stronger every day. It's ok to still grieve, it JUST happened. Keep reminding yourself that you are a good person, you're beautiful, intelligent, and you have 3 lovely children that need you and you will pick yourself up and dust yourself off and GAL as if he's never coming back. You're not alone GB - and I think we all have a pity party once in awhile, I think it's natural - we're here for you (((hugs)))) I hope you're feeling better by the time you read this and got some rest.

Hey GB,

I guess we were both struggling last night. Sometimes I feel the same way you do. Maybe I just screwed this up and he left and maybe he'll have an awesome R with the next person. But then I remember how strange he is now. I think if it were about me, he wouldn't have ditched on his kids so much. He would have probably pursued D by now and been more reasonable to talk to.

And then I think about the reality of D. Right now I have:

My kids 100% of the time
No strange woman half raising my kids
No courtrooms and lawyers
I still have my home
I have ins through H employer

All of this changes if I file for D. So, even though it kills me to feel like my life is aimless and one big question mark, it feels better than the opposite of above.

I'm here with you.

Thanks TL and BG.

I realize H is in crisis as he would have never hung out with college students and would have made of 40 year old men who did. Right along with people airing their laundry on social media-h always laughed at those people. And the premise of him moving out was to focus on being a better dad but the reality it is falling in love.

I'm in a little different boat. H is in on my insurance, I pay for the house, and I have always paid most of the bills. H won't hesitate to bring someone around the kids as he will think it makes him look a certain way. As a matter of fact, for the first time ever, h discusses money(with a very uncomfortable look on his face) as it was never a concern for him before.

Oh my. I'm going to try to sleep tonight as I wake up at midnight and can't go back to bed. I appreciate everyone's help.

I have a list of things to discuss with my therapist tomorrow. I want a good session. I have to work through some issues and I know it will all take time.

Hope everyone has a great day!