Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers hope456--my story

It's hard to enjoy the positives without developing expectations and then being let down when the behavior changes. You're doing great. Try to sound upbeat and kind when he calls.

Thanks, everyone for your support.

D7 and I had a great time tonight. On the way to the event, she even said, "Finally, some girl time!" That's a bit of an exaggeration since we spend tons of time together, but it was great that she was excited about our evening. H knew where we were because it was actually his night to have her, so I had to ask him to switch. We had a brief text exchange just before the event started:

H: Have tons of fun tonight!
Me: Thanks!
H: Anytime baby!

And then an hour or so later:

H: Is D7 having fun? Are you?
Me: Yup!

So, more positives, I think. He's reaching out more and I'm trying to respond in a friendly, but not overly eager way.

While I'm looking at positives, I'll talk about a personal positive for myself. The event that D7 and I went to is very crowded. The parking is a nightmare. It is an event to which I typically wouldn't drive myself, because the traffic and parking situation stress me out. However, I wanted to go and wanted to take D7, so I did it and didn't get stressed out. I did make sure to leave a little early before most of the crowd did, but D7 was tired by then and ready to go anyway.

Tomorrow, I'm taking D7 on a play date and we're going to the zoo on Friday. We've had a busy week!

Wow, you go girl! My eldest daughter is in college and I remember thinking I should've done so much more with her. It went by so fast. Nice that you're packing lots of experiences in.

Keep it up Hope!

As they say around here: Be the spouse only a fool would leave.

I've had a good couple of days with D7. The weather was beautiful Friday, so we had a great day at the zoo. When we got home, other kids in the neighborhood were playing outside, so D7 joined them while I chatted with some of the neighbors. Today, we went to lunch and to see Mr. Peabody and Sherman, which was pretty cute. D7 loved it.

I've not been contacting H at all. When D7 and I were at her play date on Thursday, my phone was in my purse with the volume low, so I wasn't able to hear it ringing. When we left, I noticed that I had missed four calls and two texts from my H. He had also called my sister during that time. I was only at the play date for two hours. When I called him back, he said he was worried that something had happened or that I was mad at him. The night before, he asked me to call him when D7 and I were on our way home. He knew we were going to be out late because of the event we attended, but wanted to come to the house to tuck her into bed. I called, but he didn't answer, so I sent him a text saying I guess you went to sleep. He thought I might be mad about that. I told him that I wasn't and all was fine; D7 and I were just enjoying our week away from work/school.

H continues to call me just to chat a few times a day. It's confusing because it was something he used to do, but stopped before BD. I'm friendly and upbeat and generally try to get off the phone first. When we see each other, he's been more affectionate, too. His hugs seem to linger for longer. While that seems like a good sign, I'm trying not to read too much into it so that I don't develop expectations.

Tomorrow, D7 and I have church in the morning, but no other plans. We're just going to have a relaxing day before having to go back to school/work on Monday.

Need to vent about my H for a minute.

He called me after his IC appointment today. He really likes his IC, which is great. I asked how it went but didn't ask for anything specific or press for details. He said it went well. Then he said they are working on his feelings of loneliness that he gets since he lives alone now. Ummm, ok...does he expect my sympathy on that one?

Of course, I didn't say anything like that. I just said that it was good that the IC was helping him.

Ok, gotta get back to work now

Other than my frustration with my H on Monday, I've had a pretty good week. I've gotten pulled in on a couple of special projects at work, so I'm so busy there that I don't have a spare moment to really think about my sitch.

On Thursday and Friday, I spent the evening volunteering at D7's school for a big event. This is her first year at this school and it was great to meet so many of the other moms who volunteer there.

Yesterday, I volunteered at the local food bank for the first time. I have been saying I was going to volunteer there for a while and I finally decided I just needed to do it. I found the experience to be really rewarding and will definitely do it again. They allow kids as young as 6 to volunteer and D7 really wants to do it, so I'll bring her with me next time. H overheard D7 and I discussing it and he said that he might want to volunteer with us when I take D7. I guess when I register for my next volunteer shift, I'll just tell him in a matter-of-fact way that D7 and I are volunteering on X date at X time. If he invites himself along, he's welcome to come, but I don't want to pressure him since he just kind of mentioned it in passing.

It was H's weekend with D7, but he asked if I could keep her on Saturday night. I said I could as long as he picked her up after church this morning because I had plans today. He said he would and showed up right on time to get her. I met a friend for lunch and a movie and had a great time catching up with her. For the first time since BD, most of the conversation was about my friend's relationship (all good stuff), work, kids, and mutual friends instead of my sitch. It really wasn't even on my mind until she asked me how things were going.

Four days in a row of GALing has given me a great PMA! I went to H's apartment tonight to tuck D7 in and tell her goodnight and was able to keep my PMA effortlessly. He asked questions about my day and could tell I was in a great mood. When I left, he gave me a hug as usual, but lingered a little longer. I turned my head and gave him a kiss on the cheek and then he did the same. I realize that probably didn't follow DB principles. However, it is one of the things I've been thinking about. My H was a lot more positive about our chances of R just before and for a couple of weeks after he moved out. During that time, we were both pretty affectionate with one another and I was definitely more positive. I started to pull away and stopped being affectionate; I guess that was me trying to protect myself from further hurt. In my sitch, pulling back as much as I had seems to be a cheeseless tunnel, so in the spirit of NOT doing more of the same, I've decided to be more affectionate when it seems natural. About an hour after I left, I got a text from H that said:

Was a great hug by the way.

I just said, "Agreed. :)" After another hour or so, I got a text from H telling me goodnight. So, a slight change on my part resulted in a positive interaction.

I am still struggling quite a bit with wanting a decision. Actually, my sister called me on that and she's right. I only want a decision IF it's to work toward R. I do feel less inclined to pressure my H after all this GALing, so I definitely need to continue with that.

I'm finding that I often have a hard time being present in the moment. Since BD, I'll be playing a game with D7, but find that my mind is on the sitch instead of really focused on enjoying my time with her. As another example, things might seem positive with my H, but then I'll start thinking that there's no way he's coming back and we're definitely going to get D. And then, my mind jumps into the future to worry about how I'm going to find someone else to date. Because I've been with my husband since I was 18, I don't have any idea how to date. Then, I jump to worrying about my daughter having a stepparents. My parents split up when I was 7. My mom has been married (and D'd) 5 times. My dad remarried when I was 13 and I had a pretty bad experience with my stepmother, so I'm pretty terrified of that. It takes me about 2 seconds to get WAY ahead of myself.

I think this is one of the things about myself that I want to change. I want to really be present in the moment. I also don't want to be so worried about tomorrow (or next month, or next year) that I'm not enjoying today. Does anybody have a book/article recommendation that deals with this?

I think this is one of the things about myself that I want to change. I want to really be present in the moment. I also don't want to be so worried about tomorrow (or next month, or next year) that I'm not enjoying today. Does anybody have a book/article recommendation that deals with this?

If you want to be present, first step its respecting your thoughts, they need to be like this at this time....thats the only way they will get out, its a self defense mechanism, when you cut your finger, you have pain...this is the same, be present and accept them, they will eventually change, the main problem its when we try everything to avoid them...then the healing process doesn't occur and they will appear again in similar situations...it hurts I know but this is the only way to deal with the pain and the thoughts, accepting them and appreciating them....

There is no magic pill here sorry it svcks but this is the process...

To be clear, I didn't say that I don't want to feel and accept my feelings. I absolutely understand the importance of that. I don't think that feeling my thoughts and learning to be more present are mutually exclusive objectives.