Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need help saving my family - part 5

Scorp, I am a lawyer, and I totally agree with you about exhausting all avenues before lawyering up. It's expensive and brutal. But, the more time that passes the harder it will be for you to successfully fight for half custody of your kids. That's just the reality. I almost waited too long to fight for mine because I thought we should just be civil and try to work things out, just like you. But my ex-H didn't share that view, he came for blood from the outset and I almost lost my kids. And I was a lawyer and should've known better. And I had to fight my H until he blinked with a virtual boot on his neck in order to win. It should never have happened, but I could not control him. That was like ten years ago now, and we have co-parented well ever since because there is nothing more important to me than the well being of my girls and so I wanted them to have a great relationship with their dad-- even though he was an asshat. Really, he was just being vindictive because I was rejecting him. Not very evolved. Your seems similarly ill-motivated in your sitch. She seems to want the kids on her terms and doesn't care if she screws you over-- or hurts them terribly. Think about that. DO NOT underestimate her.

You do seem like you are afraid to fight and are getting a bit defensive in your responses here. That is how you are coming across anyway, and it does not seem like you are really sitting with that and seeing how true it might be for you. Don't let fear keep you stuck. Just sit with that and whether it might be-- at least a little bit-- true. And then take that knowledge, whatever that is, and go on from there. Just a suggestion. We're here for you.

BTW, I did turn to DB when my second marriage went south and saved it. I'm glad I did since my H now has kidney cancer and an uncertain future. But, the prospect of a terminal illness creates its own emotional issues . . . that is a story for another day.

Be strong and know that you are not alone.

The problem is, I have been trying to be supportive and loving for 5 months now and while it has led to some improvement things have stalled and my W does now seem willing to budge off of only allowing me access to our kids every second weekend.

In talking with the lawyers I have they did tell me that it's very rare for one parent to be given sole custody and that I almost certainly will get more time with our kids than I currently have. BTW, custody and time are two separate issues up here. That is why I think I have to go ahead with the lawyer, unless by some miracle my W changes her mind and wants to actually negotiate without lawyers.

And using a lawyer to protect your parental rights does not necessarily lead to all out war.

Remember what Mach said, the lawyer works for YOU.

Unbidden, thanks for your thoughts and I'm very sorry to hear about your H's illness. My mother has terminal cancer, it's a horrible disease. My thoughts are with you.

I likely did get a bit defensive. I know I've been that way with those around me that have been pushing me to D my W for some time now. I've tried to stick with the idea that no one can really tell me when the right time to file for D is, I will know when it's time. The brutal part for me (well, there are many brutal parts) is that the person I have to fight is the person I love unconditionally. I don't hate her, I don't even dislike her. If I did, I guess it would be easier to fight her. I don't like what she's doing to our kids though so for that reason I will fight with everything I have.

Well Scorp, in this life there are many things kept in history because different caracteristics, most of the epic ones were saved because the main protagonist did things in a different way, Unbidden just told you how her fight ended, and look now things in her sitch are calm and both parents share custody, I am here to listen to you and give you my support and tell you that whatever you do its not a mistake, its a spiritual oportunity to grow, so whatever you choose will be fine and its the way that its supposed to be done.
If you cant pace all this then dont, youll be fine no matter what but as one of the member who I like to see as an inspiration, read MrBond sitch... He could had reacted with hate when his now reconcilled wife took the kids and stopped contacting him for 3 long years... He choosed to believe in his vows and to accept the situation, I am not asking you to do the same.
You are free to do what you think its the most conforting choice but remember something while you are doing this: Hate will pass, war will end and all that will be replaced with calmness peace and love.
So dont act based on her or your feelings now, act in a way that will make you feel at peace in the future.

You're right Drew, I hope my W will see it that way. She likely can't face to not be with our kids any more than she already has. She is very, very attached to them, as am I, so the thought of giving up half her time with them may be what turns this into a war.

Thanks ye21

This is a message I've wanted to send to my W for a long time:

"W, there are two roads for us to take going forward.

The one to the left leads toward divorce and living separate lives and the road to the right leads toward healing and building a healthier life with each other.

Please realize I never want to return to the relationship we just left behind but to build a new one we are truly proud of and to give our kids the life they deserve."

But, there's that thing about cheeseless tunnels so here is what I'm going to send:

"W,

I understand that you would like to settle the house quickly. Our kids are our first priority and I would like to develop a parenting plan with you as soon as possible so the kids are able to spend equal time with us. Please let me know what you need from me in order to make this happen.

I will be at D6's school to pick her up on Friday
"

Minor tweaks. Make it about you. "Our" is a volatile word right now ...

Scorp,

What you are experiencing is likely the most difficult thing you have ever experienced. You are receiving some great advice from some members who I have a great deal of respect for in Drew and Mach. I can assure they have your best interest at heart.

They are sharing wisdom based on their own experiences. My sitch is not all that different than yours. I allowed fear to be my guide and I sat back for way too long before fighting for my kids. In the end, it all worked out, but not without some unnecessary pain and heartache.

I had members advising very similar as you are being advised. I chose to do my own thing, because I thought that I knew my W better than anyone. It cost me a school year with my kids living 1100 miles away. That sukked.

Therefore, based on my own experience, my advice aligns with Drew's and Mach's advice...as well as unbidden.