Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WAW Said She's Done-pt.4- What Happened?

Good. And I think Spartan touched on a good point. See your kids as often as you can...for you and for them. This is a difficult time for all of you...but it's also an opportunity to pull together and become closer. I don't think any of us have looked back and thought, "I wish I'd have spent less time with my kids."



Yeah, that suck$. I was very resistant in accepting this about myself. Mach slapped me around quite a few times before I truly saw it.

It's difficult, but the first step for me was understanding why I was that way. That really isn't all that hard for most of us. A short little dance thru your history with an outsiders view and you'll see it quick enough. Changing it....that comes next, and that is hard, at least initially. You mind is already programmed a certain way due to years of training it.....so retraining is required. And it takes a lot of effort.

When I was going thru this, I read an awful lot...books as well as internet. I read books on marriage, divorce, codependence, learning to trust, etc. Pieces of each helped me. And IC could certainly help, and while I didn't personally look for podcasts, I'd assume there's some good ones out there too. Keep posting here...start digging into material you are interested in, get an IC. Use whatever works for you.

Oneday,

I have been following along for a little while now. You have some wonderful men, whom I respect very much, posting to you...Thanks guys, you know who you are

I think it's time to give you a bit of a woman's perspective...

Please understand from the get go that I am not trying to make you feel worse about anything, however we cannot change what we don't see or acknowledge...

You do not respect your W and you haven't in a very long time, if ever.

That is evident in the way you treated her. And the things that you said to her.

I think you took security in the fact that she was a "good Christian woman" and that she didn't believe in divorce. And that you felt it gave you a free pass to treat her in any way that you wanted to.

There are problems in that theory, because even "good Christians" with deep convictions can reach a breaking point.

Women, in general, want and need very basic things in a relationship.

The words love, honor, and cherish actually hold very strong meaning to women. They want to be loved and cherished and honored every day. In small ways. They want to be chosen. They want to feel like they are a priority in your life.

When all of those things happen, they feel and know that they are respected and valued in the relationship.

When they are told, "deal with it", "you have the problem, not me" and so on...they don't feel loved. They don't feel honored. They don't feel cherished. And they definately don't feel respected or wanted.

When women don't feel those things, sex becomes ugly. It becomes demeaning. It becomes a "duty" and an obligation. And it becomes undesirable.

Knowing all of this, looking at your sitch from the outside, it is actually very easy to see how you have ended up here.

And while both of you are responsible for where you are now, I honestly think your W tried, for a much longer time than you are aware.

Why am I sharing this with you?

Because you want to understand how you got here. The above is a big part of it.

Where do you go from here? How do you change it?

The guys have you on the right path...follow them, dig deep for the answers. As painful as it may be, do the work.

You may end up divorced but that doesn't mean it is over. So please get that deadline out of your head right now.

It will take time and real changes for your W to look back your way, if she chooses to do so. And she may.

Regardless, you will be better prepared for your next relationship, which may or may not be with her.

There is one question, one piece of the puzzle that I don't believe you have answered yet. At least not with real honesty...

Why did you drink? What were you trying to mask? What were you trying to find that you couldn't without the alcohol?

I have more experience dealing with alcoholics that I care to go into here and one thing I know for certain is that there is something, something more than "it was fun" that drives them to take that next drink. Until you face that, you will always be in danger of drinking again and you will not be able to truly change...

As a recovering alcoholic I have been in the program for a little over 18 years. Through my progression through the steps of the program and listening to countless stories......all the negative emotions boil down to one thing. That one thing is fear.

Every single 'bad' emotion, when extrapolated back far enough always ends in fear.
For me, I had to surrender my control over to a higher power as I understand him. I understand perfectly what that power is capable of, I just like to take back control and f things up even further

But I will also share that when I can 'give my problem' into the care of something greater than myself, peace is found. This process for me and my current situation started two sundays ago. I gave up trying to control the situation and things got better. And then guess what, I took back control occasionally and suffered the consequences.

It takes faith of a sort which I sorely lack. If I can do it, others certainly can as well. Such a simple idea but like all things simple, extremely difficult to practice.

And last, 'drinking is but a symptom'. There are a whole host of issues buried under that......and I would argue the source of all those issues is fear of some sort. And last, last, 'and acceptance is the key to all my problems'. Remember, acceptance doesn't mean one needs to like what is being accepted.......

Well it happened! And as much as I wished and prayed it wouldn't....

...WAW moved into and apartment last Saturday. Needless to say this weekend has been tough for me and the boys. WAW and I had a short talk the night before she left. She started crying and saying how difficult this was for her to leave the house and life she has known for the last 9 years. I empathized with her and we hugged and both cried a bit more. I wanted to say please stay and lets try to work on our M again, but I didn't.

I let her know that I still care about her and wish thing were different between us. I told her I was worried about her and asked her to be please careful out on her own. I let her know she could call me anytime of the day or night if she ever found her in trouble or in an difficult spot and I would do everything in my power to help her. (not sure if I should have said these thing, but it sure felt right at the time)

The boys did okay the first night without Mom, but last night was really rough and emotional for all of us. After S7 and S10 got off the phone with Mom to tell her about their day and say good night, they both started crying and saying they want MOM TO COME HOME. I tried to be strong for them, but I started crying with them and trying as hard as I could to empathize with them. I think I did a good job. We ended up calling Mom back and both the boys were still crying while talking with her. My youngest handed me the phone and WAW was crying too. She again, said how hard this was on her and asked me what she should do? Should she come home? I let her know she was more than welcome too. She didnt know if it would help or hurt as it was already WAY past their bed time. I agreed, but still left it open if she wanted to come over. She decided against coming over, but wanted to try to come over tonight if she gets out of work on time.

More to come, I just can't keep going right now.

How you doing Oneday? How has the last week gone?

Oneday - How ya doing? Been a long time. You keeping busy?

Right now you're number one priority is those boys. Be their rock no matter how hard it is. They will appreciate it and you'll build a bond like you never imagined with them.

This next bit of advice may be tough to do but since she moved out it might be time for you to pull back and not offer to help. She made the decision to leave so now she has to figure out what that new life will look like. It's tough and it may shock her a little. More importantly it will force you to concentrate only on you and the boys without having to worry about helping someone else at this point.

Honestly Im not doing well at all.

Im staying fairly busy, but I think about WAW alot. I still have alot of guilt that I'm dealing with, and still feel the majority of this D is my fault. I still have SOOOOO much hope that we could make this relationship work. I want to write her a letter and tell her that I miss her, how I still love her, and how I would love to try and start something new with her. I know I shouldn't but my heart is telling me to SAY SOMETHING, LET HER KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! It doesn't feel like Im fighting for her. It feels Im just letting her go. Does she want me to fight for her?
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Im really looking at myself, and how I can change my past ways of being an A$$. Im recognizing signs of frustration as they arise and ask myself why Im feeling like this. I've been taking personal time-outs, breathing and thinking about what I say or how I respond in stressful situations. Im doing this everywhere I go and with everyone I interact with. I been seeing a IC who has been helping me with these things and with life in general.
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Last week with the boys went good, as they kept me busy and I focused hard on being patient, listening, and empathetic with them. This week has been a little rough without the boys. The house is SOOOOO quiet. The first day without the boys (last Saturday) I didn't even get out of bed until noon. I didn't even leave the house until 3. It was a bad day for me, and I was deeply depressed most of the day.

Later Saturday evening I went to see WAW's apartment and spent some time with the boys. It was very difficult and emotional for me. I held it together, and stayed strong while I was there, but seeing WAW in her OWN apartment was "rough" to say the least. After I left her apartment I starting bawling. Luckily my best friend called as I was leaving invited me over. I hung out at his house and had a good chat for the rest of the night.

You know, it seem's that I talk to WAW more, since she's moved out, than when were living together. Mind you, its mainly about the boys, but we talk/text alot more than we did.

Lastly, My S10 has started a nervous twitch with his neck since going to WAW apartment last Friday, and we are both concerned. We're not sure what to do, but are not calling attention it. We ask how he's feeling, or just go give him a hug. I dont think he even realizes he's doing it.

"Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard..."

Hey all, its been awhile since I posted and wanted to give an update

Its been a little over a month since WAW moved to her apartment. She seems to be doing okay, and is very busy with work. We talk about 2x a week, and its mainly about the boys. Sometimes she vents how busy and exhausted she is, and I try to empathize with her. I invited her over on easter sunday to have a egg hunt with the boys, which she accepted and came over for about an hour, it was nice to see her, but at the same time I've began to look at her differently. Im not sure If she has changed, or my eye's are now open to the True her. She is very "matter a fact" and comes across as controlling. I find myself biting my tongue and a few instance's I've even had to walk away from her. I find it humorous that she is still keeping score, about the responsibilities she has compared to what I have. Such as making lunches and dinners etc. I get it, Im doing the same exact things when I have the boys and its down right exhausting. I dont know what to make of it and Im trying not to mind read.

About me: I have been trying to GAL and spend as much time with my boys as possible. I still think about WAW quite a bit, and the possibility of what could have been. Every night at appox 3:30am I wake up and she is the first thing on my mind. Uggggh. I've honestly been working on myself, and my foolsih way's and trying to become a man only a fool would leave. (easier said than done though). Im still working out, and fishing as much as possible. I would like to say I've detached, but I haven't. I can say Im in a better place than I was a month ago, but still not fully detached. Im working on it though. I've thought if my WAW did want to reconcile, that I would not jump on the opportunity like I once would have. I would be skeptical and would have to try dating her for awhile. She is different (or maybe I am), but I could honestly say that I would have to get to know her all over again.

I could not agree with you more and you are not the first person to say this. I some how need to get to this point, get my dam confidence back. (Which Im working on that too.)

330 or 4am is my wake up and think about H too. I often think "is this really happening?! Is this a nightmare?!" Yup.

I actaully got some hypnosis downloads on my phone that I listen to at the times I can;t fall back asleep. Topics like positive thinking, quiet mind, improve your mood...

Not sure how well it works, but I fall back alseep really easily while listening. (Got used to sleeping with the ear-buds in).

Sounds like you are on the right track. And that you are doing a good job with your boys...

Weird- 3:30/4am is when I wake up too! Then I lay there trying to clear my mind just long enough to fall back asleep a short time before the alarm goes off to get kids ready for school.