Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers hope456--my story

Sorry for the misunderstanding. Sounds like you are taking the right approach -- light and breezy.

Just caught up on your thread. Your H seems very unsure and I agree with the others. Stay away from R talk. I've struggled with that over the months and it only causes them to defend their stance of R not working and things end up worse. I think you are doing great so early in this process. Keep reading and watching others and working on yourself.

I come here to vent and then I feel like I can continue that PMA. Physical separation is tough. I've never done this before. There is so much uncertainty. It's so nice to have people here to lean on for advice. Have you tried a DB coach? That really helped me early on.

Thanks, Blues. My H does seem very unsure. About two months after BD, he told me that he was 60% sure that he wanted a D. That was a huge change from BD when he was 100% sure. At the same time, he's said repeatedly that he doesn't want me to have false hope. So, I'm just trying to do my own thing as much as possible.

I started posting so that I could come here to vent as well. Some of our R talks have been a result of me feeling unable to hold back from saying something or asking even though I rationally knew I shouldn't. My sister and a couple of close friends know the situation, but they are not good for venting. The fall into the typical role of telling me that I deserve better and should just give up. I know they think that helps, but I'm not really interested in bashing my H. Even though I don't recognize him some of the time right now, I still love him.

I have not talked to a coach yet, but am definitely considering it.

So, today H has called me three times for no real reason that I can decipher. He called this morning to wish me luck on my job interview. He called around lunchtime just to see what I was doing. Then, he called this afternoon to tell me to be safe tonight and let him know when I was on my way home. I'm taking D7 to an event tonight and if it isn't too late when we get in, he might want to come tuck her in. I know it isn't anything major and not to read too much into it. Still, it reminds me of how my H was before. He has always called me randomly throughout the day, especially when we were both at work, but had started doing less of that during the couple of months leading up to BD. Since BD, if he calls during the day, it's usually because he has a specific purpose (wants to make sure that I paid a certain bill or check D7's schedule). Not sure that it means anything, just an observation, really.

Hi Hope. I know that feels strange, but my W did/does it too. Calls and texts slowed to almost nothing in the months leading up to the fall. I the time just after she left, there were still contacts about where she'd be and when she arrived safely at her parents for the night, etc. We were just getting comfortable with our new life I think. Now there's nothing. she rarely if ever says anything about where she is or what she's doing. My point in telling you this is that its not that uncommon I think. WAS tend to act like this.

Thanks, Paul. I had kind of gotten used to it as the "new" normal for us. It just throws me off a little when he starts reaching out again.

Thanks, Paul. I had kind of gotten used to it as the "new" normal for us. It just throws me off a little when he starts reaching out again.

I can understand that. It would throw me off too

Stadistically and by comparative what Paul say might be true....realistically its not... So lets focus on reality instead of what happened on the sitch of others... This is your sitch and whatever happens in yours might not happen in others...
Dont read or try to as you said "decipher" what he is doing and why because there is no possibility that you find why he is doing that, unless he comes and tells you why he is calling.
By knowing responses we think we will pass the hard times, but thats not true, when our beliefs start to form in our early childhood we basically start to think that if something its not the way we think, its "wrong" so here we are judging constantly and increassing, stress, sadness and feelings, we keep ourselves to standards... And if we dont fit those standars pufff then we are "bad" because of it... Well those standards are learned, what if I tell you that you can learn new standards?
I was an abuser once, I treated an exgirlfriend really bad and she ended leaving me, I went online and the opinion of everybody...you cant change that and will be part of you always...
16 years after that I havent abussed emotionally or phisically nobody.. And I didnt went to therapy...
I learned to manage my rage and the way I felt around others...
Today I am separated from my W, I dont know if we will get divorce...but I accept her decission, she left 2 months ago and in this present moment I dont judge her... It was her decission and its completelly valid, she has the eternal and only right human right that we born with: "CHOOSE" yes she choosed that option...when she choosed that I didnt accept it, it wasnt my plan... I could just stay stuck and not move on.
I decided to investigate and see how could I improve myself...and found the solution: acceptance. Nothing else, its complicated to learn to accept, but its more complicated to learn all the moral rules and judge the ones who doesnt follow them, because judgement its learned, acceptance was with us but at one point we let it go... So work towards that and just accept with a smile all he does...in the long way it will be more productive

That sure sounds familiar! My H has also said that maybe he just needs D to see what he'd be missing and that it'd be possible for us to get back together. He doesn't seem to get that after going through all of that emotional and financial pain that that may not be an option for me. We've broken up and gotten back together several times over the past 10+ years (all before we were married) and because we were young and silly, I guess, we never actually worked through any of that in any organized way. I do find myself wondering if I've made myself to be the "Plan B" all of these times, so H thinks he can keep going off to "see what's out there" knowing I'll always be here as a safety net when or if it doesn't work out.

Hey Hope, I think you are doing great. I don't have as much experience as the others at giving advice but the one thing I would say is try not to read too much into what is "normal". My W still says there is no chance but normal some weeks is us having fun and hugging to the next week normal of her not even able to make eye contact. Don't forget your H is on a rollercoaster too and normal can be setting expectations.

I'm really glad your sitch is looking good though.