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Thanks 25! It is great to hear some real life stories to know that it is possible!! I have been really good about noting discussing the sitch with H's family. They have been in my life for so long that I hardly remember then not being involved. My H's sister has become the sister I never had. When we met, she was only 16. I went to her high school and college graduation, met all her boyfriends, etc. We were maid of honors in each others weddings, we are godmother to each others kids. I know that H's family will also love me, but I will fully admit that it will crush me if they welcome a new woman into their family if we get a D. But as you said, I dont have to worry about that right now.

M and LFW - My boundary is very weak and transparent at times. I am struggling with it at the moment. It was so much easier a few months ago when I was so angry at H and could not stand to be around him.

Almost 90-95% of our conversations and interactions involve the kids. When we are together as a family on Sundays, our time is fully occupied by our little guys. We really don't talk much about our lives at all. Maybe a comment here or there. H leaves after the kids go to bed, so we dont have any time alone.

During our conversation, I try to be a friendly neighbor. I try and remain upbeat, etc. It is just go hard to walk this line between co-parents and friends. With three little kids, they take up a lot of time. We are also going into a busy spring season with both boys playing on different sports teams. I already know that this will likely impact our schedule with the kids. The kids need both H and I to see them playing sports. And logistically, I cant be at two places at the same time. So it will be even more difficult to enforce boundaries.

When I see my H, it no longer builds up my expectations. I realized at the beginning of 2014 that H was really done and has not plans of returning home right now or anytime soon. I can invite H to breakfast to allow the kids to see their dad and leave without being upset.

I honestly am not sure what to do. I think that I may call my DB coach and get some advice. I would appreciate your advice as well.

Just wanted to note a change that I saw in my H this week. Last week I asked my H about a trip that we have already planned and paid for that was coming up at the end of April. We booked it almost two years ago. H said that he had not thought about it. I figured that I would mention it once and then call the company to see what, if anything, we could do in order to not lose our money. Two days later, H sent me an email asking if we could possibly postpone the vacation to a later date.

I was shocked when I got the email because in the past I would have had to bug my H for a response. This was the first time that we had a discussion and he actually followed up and offered a solution without me nagging.

Today, I mentioned that the boys had a bunch of birthday parties coming up. H sat down, looked at the invites and wrote down all the dates/times. Despite the fact it is a few weeks away, H wanted to decide on which parties to attend and who would take the kids. H even offered to RSVP. This is the same man who claims he is not a planner.

I can see that my H is thinking about how he acted in the past and making some changes. Even if we don't wind up together, it will be helpful with co-parenting. Interesting...

3boyz, I was curious about your boundary because of this:



I am struggling with this at the moment, too, but have gone the opposite direction of you. I speak with H only about the necessary things and see him only at the necessary times. I ignore his banter, his lashing out, and basically anything that would make him think we are friends.

But I think I am mad.

But if I am not mad, and I allow myself to relax and have fun with him, then I am friends with him. Or at the very least, I am possibly buying another ticket to his crazy ride.



Do you think you have expectations about him coming home eventually?

I mean, I was starting to feel somewhat detached from my H, but then, when he wanted to push forward with D, I realized that was because I was still holding out hope he would come back.

I guess I don't know how to separate hope and expectations.

I will be interested to hear what your DB coach has to say!

That's great that your H is starting to become more responsible for some things.

How do you feel about him asking to postpone the trip? Does that indicate to you that he still thinks he might want to take that trip with you at some point?

That's interesting about the trip and the planning.
How do you separate hope vs. expectations. My DB coach said hope is good while you are getting a life because who wants to live a hopeless life. I continue to ask when do u completely give up? When the final papers are signed? How do u stop loving someone?

3

I'm glad to hear that your H is making some positive changes. Do you acknowledge/thank him when he does these things?

I'm curious to see how the trip plays out. Why does he want it postponed? Does he want to go with?

Yeah, but what kind of hope is good? Hoping that you will find someone new who loves you, appreciates you and treats you the way you should be treated? Hope that you will have a good life even if H isn't in it? Hope that your kids will be OK? I have all those hopes, but I find it incredibly difficult to hope for anything that involves my H because I am invariably disappointed, which means I somehow attached some expectations to that hope, and I feel like that pushes me backwards rather than forward.

I agree Melissa. I'm not sure. Still all new and confusing.

I was in this position a few months ago. Right after I found out about the A and after my H moved out, we literally could not have a civil conversation about anything. At first, I tried to tell him how I changed. He flat out said that he did not believe me. So I kept walking my path. I stopped engaging when he tried to provoke me. It eventually worked.

I will say that it was much easier to enforce the boundary then because I could not stand him at the time.



I feel like I am able to keep my expectations pretty low. In the beginning, I would analyze every sentence and action to see if maybe H would change his mind. Now I know that even if we have an amazing day together, it is not going to change anything right now. By keeping my expectations low with respect to H's actions, I have actually found myself surprised when H rises above my low expectations instead of being upset when he does not meet them.

I do however still have hope that he will eventually want to R. I can see that my H and I are both making changes for the better. We have changed the way we communicate. When we are together for family day and even during the week, we operate as teammates. It has not been that way for years. We have both individually addressed the majority of the complains that we had about one another.

I have to remind myself that there is still something that my H does not like about our R or his life in general. It reminds me that this really was not all about me like my H has said for the past few months/years.

Right now, I am simply choosing to have faith...faith that God has a plan for me and my children that will be amazing in the end. I have faith that we may find our way back to each other and if not, faith that there is someone else out there that God intended for me to love and be a part of my family.

We don't have the ability to go on the trip unless both of us are there. It was part of the deal when we booked. So we either both go or no one goes.

My H has always said that he does not know what he wants. I think that he is afraid of making the wrong decision. He is comfortable sitting on the fence right now. So I look at his decision to postpone as him saying that he would prefer to not address the sitch right now and just push it off to a later date.

I guess that it is better that he wanted to postpone then out right cancel.