Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis own buz 23:mediation to reconcilliation, PATIENCE!

"See thats whats so frustrating about you, I do what I am told and you just don't see it."

I can see perfectly fine what's going on in your situation. Have you not noticed that I have been on here for 6 years? Out of all the people who I've posted to, you're the only one who doesn't see her own confusion. THe issue is that YOU can't see what I and others have posted to you even though we try to explain things to death with you.

Nothing in your situation has changed. Your actions shouldn't change. You shouldn't have jumped on him to get your 'fix'. It was more for you than it was for him.

Hi PM ~ I believe I understand "SHE DOES NOT EXIST"... I am able to remove her from my thoughts for 99% of the time. So, she is not really taking up any headspace. I get that. Relating it to my boundary tho is what is confusing me, as my boundary stated as long as he is entertaining her, there is to be no reconcilliation talks.

Yesterday, he stated reconcilliation is ON the table. He said is keeping all options open. (I am assuming since he knew my boundary... she must be in the distance).

Bond ~ thank you for your advice, I will take it into consideration. I got my fix and he got his thrill. We are both good today.

We had a good working day today. No pressure from me. At the end of the day, we were in one vehicle while the other was warming up. I stated that I should get going because I had stuff to do. He texted a little bit later, then phoning saying that he was going to the store, and he was going to ask me to go, but I had already said I was busy.

today, I lingered a bit after work. got nothing

trying so hard to lower my expectations these days. also, not baiting myself so that I get a response/reaction. ... its quite challenging, and so unlike me. A struggle within.

looking forward to womens group meeting tonight. I get confidence when I go there.

Hi mm

I don't think I have posted to you before but your thread caught my eye last night so read through it.

It looks like your H has only been at this for about a year? Correct me if I am wrong. I can tell you that my H was gone a little over a year. He filed for a D but did not follow through. He asked to come home and was home for almost 3 years and left again in January. In hindsight, I can see that he was not done with his MLC...was still in replay and more importantly, "I" was not ready for him to be home! I thought I was, but those "changes" I thought I was making did not last once he was home. We both fell back into our old patterns/routines and he is gone again!

From what you have posted and others have posted to you, it sounds like neither you or your H are quite ready for an a reconciliation.

He may be slowly working toward it but if OW is still around, then he is not out of replay so it really is best for you to keep working on you, GAL, go about your life as you were and let things fall into place. Sounds like you work with him so you have to see him. Be friendly but don't pursue him. The one thing that you need to do is to be CONSISTANT in your actions. It sounds like you are all over the place...one minute flirting with him and the going dark on him.



Why?

Hi Courageouswife. Thanks for commenting. I am so sorry to hear you are here again.

I would not be able to persevere through this again... so we must get it right, now.

I can agree, we are both not quite ready for a full reconcilliation. I still have work to do and he is just beginning his.

I am not sure where the OW is at this point. He has not made full effort to pursue either. Its just lingering. Its just up in the air. I am not pursuing it, nor am I manipulating it or trying to control it... Its really hard not to steer it. So, this is a big HUGE 180 for me. I am sitting on my hands with my mouth shut.

Yes, working I am pleasant. I am all over the place not being consistant with flirting and going dark. Im not sure what I am doing.... any advice/comment on this?

To answer your question. Yesterday, I lingered because the day before I rushed and he was apparantly going to ask me to go shopping, but I rushed out. So, yesterday I lingered a bit, as to not rush.

Be consistent. Be friendly but take it slow. Don't let him cake eat. Do not pursue.

Lingering around work hoping to to run in to him is pursuing. HE will find YOU if he truly wants to see or do something with you.

Tx courageouswife.

Yes, lingering is being too easy and manipulative, but so was rushing the other day too. This is tuff stuff, trying to balance. Its not up to me to keep the momentum. Its up to him to do the work, if thats what he wants. Its up to him to salvage the relationship, if thats what he wants.

How will I know if he is cake eating?

thinking:

recalling our convo of Sunday afternoon. H has been doing some thinking. H is really depressed living upstairs of the house he now shares with his mom. He really wants to spend approx $5000 to put in hardwood floors, new fridge, island with fireplace, and new TV. He feels he will be there for at least a year (because he cannot see clearly through the mess of property, etc). He could tell my displeasure, and then stated what the mediator suggested. That he would invest in another house 50/50 with me. I will have to move eventually/soon as this rental house sells. Likely in spring. I don't want to move back in with parents. He also mentioned how he could move his aunt into our old living space (upstairs) to help her financially and then that provides him with an "out" from living with his mom, continually. He will still have to maintain the property while organizing it for resale.

.... at least he has been "thinking". He has included me in his plan.

Why don't you do what you want to do? Find your own place, rent or buy. Live your life. Not your H's life or the life you wish you had with him.

Listen, I'd rather you rush out than linger if they both feel false, pick the one that says I have a life, tyvm.

Bit contrived that you rushed out and " oh, I was going to ask you to go shopping...."

Kind of like " oh, you have plans? That's too bad, I was going to see if you guys wanted to come over/ do something/ have dinner etc"

my living arrangements are a little complex at the moment. I am currently living in a large place until it sells. Kind of like house sitting. But, this is temporary. I am here until I figure out my financial situation with H....its major progress that he is considering purchasing again "with" me ... this time!

So, tonight after work he suggested that we go investigate a new computer purchase. I said "ya maybe, let me check in with DD"... so I checked in, and said "sure, lets go". .... it was what it was. Shopping for new appliances too as he is "tired" of our old TV and fridge too. However, he did state that he was making disposable purchases, like the fridge would be an inexpensive beer fridge, elsewhere. And the TV.. can be relocated. It was a few hours, back now... but, disappointed that there was not a coffee or chat or offer for dinner, etc.

Trying to keep hope but manage expectation... tuff stuff. I did not try to manipulate or ask if he would like to go for dinner or beer afterwards. This ^^^ is SO NOT LIKE ME !!! UGH!!!